poetry critical

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short story or poetry?  DeformedLion  22 Jun 18 3:10AM Thread Closed

short story thing
Night, 3.am.

James had turfed the rest of his one cubed drink.

He wasn't drunk enough, too drunk though to find his bed, like if he drove now eight days later the flowers would be soaking wet at his grave. James didn't mind the acrid smoke drifting past his face, he liked that he could feel the world push gently past him, and it was that red-haired woman with the rollie with her gunshot laugh and sex-pill eyes that was blowing all the smoke after all.

He can't remember her name though. It melted through the stiff posture of his drink. It's a dilemma suited for staring at trees, or giving to a tree. Right now he needs to take a piss, lean into the shadow a little perilously, blanket the earth in his misgivings and sex-fuelled dissociation.

Feels like a lurch for James, a lick of seconds but damn when he nets himself back into the comfort of the 2 seater, bunched against the sleeping dog, well, sure enough she is gone.

re: short story or poetry?  DeformedLion  22 Jun 18 3:11AM Thread Closed

like, if you break :she is gone
to a new line

re: short story or poetry?  cadmium  22 Jun 18 10:58AM Thread Closed

yeah, in my simple minded way, this is a story. breaking the line would just seem arty, cause it's not a long enough piece for that novelist move. ( like, at the end of a book or a long short story, it'd be the cap.) as a poem, yes, that would be a move, because you'd be reading this is poet-time, where it's like reading music, phrase by phrase. but, this one is built of sentences, fact-oid writing, and hasn't got rhythm.

one way to get to that kind of ending might be to give her some dialog. build her up in our mind so that 'she' would be more real in our time, so that she'd be leaving in our time and not the narrator's time.

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