poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Ode to Andromeda
madderhatter

He said I smelled
 1
like home.
 2
 
 
An abandoned warehouse
 3
blowing out,
 4
as untold galaxies,
 5
dancing before
 6
light as we know it
 7
even existed.
 8
 
 
Cold hard truth,
 9
breeding cold hard concrete,
 10
cold hard air,
 11
and cold hard stains.
 12
Cold as nucleosynthesising microwaves
 13
and sloppy supernovas.
 14
 
 
The background noise
 15
that I see in you,
 16
and the cold hard heat
 17
you stole from my
 18
galaxy,
 19
My Andromeda.
 20

25 Aug 04

Rated 9.5 (8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9
Inactive (3): 6, 7, 8

(define the words in this poem)
(105 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

L3-'warehouse'
L18-'galaxies'
I suggest removing 'as' from l13.
I'd also put l19 as its own stanza.
Other than that, good job, great imagery.
"nucleosynthesising microwaves"--awesome.
 — wendz

The comparison between cold empty space and being left is really expressed interestingly here, definitely not the norm.  I like the science-y aspect of this, obviously you did your research here, and reaped a very nice piece of work.
 — unknown

thanks
 — madderhatter

I dont understand how the first stanza fits into the poem, but its prety well written, for a mediocore poem
 — unknown

That last (unknown) comment is mediocre.  The poem is better than that.

I like the abandoned warehouse blowing out.  
You don't need "even" in line 8.
"Microwaves" should begin line 14 instead of ending 13.
You don't need "that" in line 16.
I like the repetion of cold except for line 17, I think it would be better as "the heat you stole/from my galaxy"

I like it.
 — housepoppy

i like this.
: )
 — fractalcore

I love this. So ballsy and prepared to take a chance. love the sounds in L13

Larry is there life on Mars Lark
 — larrylark

Recent Best (expand)
    0.325s