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Ode to Andromeda

He said I smelled
like home.
An abandoned warehouse
blowing out,
as untold galaxies,
dancing before
light as we know it
even existed.
Cold hard truth,
breeding cold hard concrete,
cold hard air,
and cold hard stains.
Cold as nucleosynthesising microwaves
and sloppy supernovas.
The background noise
that I see in you,
and the cold hard heat
you stole from my
My Andromeda.

25 Aug 04

Rated 9.5 (8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9
Inactive (3): 6, 7, 8, 10

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I suggest removing 'as' from l13.
I'd also put l19 as its own stanza.
Other than that, good job, great imagery.
"nucleosynthesising microwaves"--awesome.
 — wendz

The comparison between cold empty space and being left is really expressed interestingly here, definitely not the norm.  I like the science-y aspect of this, obviously you did your research here, and reaped a very nice piece of work.
 — unknown

 — madderhatter

I dont understand how the first stanza fits into the poem, but its prety well written, for a mediocore poem
 — unknown

That last (unknown) comment is mediocre.  The poem is better than that.

I like the abandoned warehouse blowing out.  
You don't need "even" in line 8.
"Microwaves" should begin line 14 instead of ending 13.
You don't need "that" in line 16.
I like the repetion of cold except for line 17, I think it would be better as "the heat you stole/from my galaxy"

I like it.
 — housepoppy

i like this.
: )
 — fractalcore

I love this. So ballsy and prepared to take a chance. love the sounds in L13

Larry is there life on Mars Lark
 — larrylark