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Aftermath, In the
nickiblitz

Shattered glass
 1
glints like diamonds in the sun,
 2
a river of sparkling rubies lying
 3
where crimson blood runs.
 4

28 Aug 04

Rated 7 (8) by 1 users.
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Comments:

oooh, this is so COOL
 — sassybnyss

Thanks! Glad you like it.
 — nickiblitz

Simple, succint. Beautifully written. I told you, you're best in imagery in your writing, and this... this is art. Short and sweet, eh?
 — Calex

Any more comments?
 — nickiblitz

What do you think of this? I really would like to know, since this is a work in progress.
 — nickiblitz

It was pretty good. Like the way you describe it.
 — unknown

Thank you, unknown... any more comments? Please?
 — nickiblitz

shattered glass is cliche
 — unknown

It is? What would you suggest in its place?

-nickiblitz
 — unknown

This is nice in its simplicity.
The diamond imagery works REALLY well, but I wonder if you might describe something else that glints in line 2, so as to avoid the cliche of diamonds shining.
Perhaps do an excercise where you write down each and every thing that "glints" and then choose the most original one and place that image here.
Overall, this is great.
I would say the same for "crimson" = blood.
Maybe think up all the words to desribe blood...  all the forms of red and then decide if crimson is really the best one.  I bet that you can come up with at least a handful...... I'm thinking 'vermillion' right off the top of my head or scarlet or any other number of deep reds.  Shoot, go into the nail polish aisle at your local drug store, pull out the dark red shades and see what they are calling them.  Be imaginative... It will produce great results.
 — aforbing

Thanks aforbing! Have I ever mentioned I really appreciate your comments? Will be making changes to this poem soon... =]
 — nickiblitz

i like the title
 — mrkhoo

why not try sweat instead of diamonds?
 — unknown

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