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green sunlight eyes

It is five o’clock
and the trees are
in between summer
and autumn greens.
Sit with me.
We'll talk about random
nothings, underneath
the changing trees
that half block the
sun, so our bodies
glow like glittery jade.
“Your eyes match
the color of the trees.”
I'll whisper, as you kiss
my temple for
the ninety-ninth time.
I'll tell you “I would
fall asleep, if it
weren’t so hot.”
Then press me
into the grass, like a
cookie cutter, with
your hand behind
my head, because you
know how picky I am
about my hair.
And kiss me softly
touching me,
“sweeping” the imaginary
dirt specks from my clothes,
as I laugh out loud
because you think you
need an excuse
to touch me.
You'll say my laughter
floats like music,
and then kiss my temple
for the one hundredth time.

1 Sep 04

Rated 7.5 (7.3) by 4 users.
Active (4): 3, 4
Inactive (25): 1, 3, 4, 4, 4, 5, 5, 6, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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 — sassybnyss

beautiful. take out some of the pronouns, and it'll be much more powerful. this reminds me of that song by Jethro Tull....I can't remember what it's called. Good job. ((8))
 — Charlie

I agree that this would be much more powerful without some of the pronouns it currently has in it. (Take out some of the "you's" and it'll work much better.)
 — Jsmiles05

okay, made some minor adjustments, and tried not to change the poem to much. i think the tenses are screwed though now. what do we think?
 — stainedsteel

I definitely agree. This poem is a 9! I love it and I think the flow works alot better now with the adjustments.
 — unknown

doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, oh nice poem, doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
 — unknown

It's way better. ((9))
 — Charlie

aw i love this. i want this to happen to me. sigh. i love the way it flows. ::9::
 — breathindeep

I like it. Very vague and hazy. Lovely.

I do not like "random nothings" in line six and seven. I have something rabidly against those fat stupid chicks who go about spouting "That was so totally random lol!" and I do hope you are not that type.
 — arienette

I like the random nothings line. Nic ework on your pronoun revisions.
 — Jsmiles05

"those fat stupid chicks" I know more skinny stupid chicks that do that than fat chicks. I like this, it flows very well. The only thing I can think of is to break it up into stanzas, or make the sentences longer and join up. Reason for this is so that the shape of the poem is more pleasing to the eye. Also, the way the poem is structured would dictate how the poet wants the poem to be read, and emphasise certain aspects of the poem.

For example, if I wrote this, I would put l5 as its own stanza, to show that it is something important to have the 'you' figure sit with the persona.

Apart from the technical gripe, I don't really know how else I would edit it. I very much like 'random nothings', it's something that we can all relate to, I think. Also enjoyed the alliteration of l11, and lines 35 and 36. I'm not a big fan of the ending two lines though. I get how they tie in with the ninety ninth kiss, but the last two lines are not a spectacular ending, I know you can do better.

You write some very lovely poems.
 — wendz

I like the 99... 100
 — mints

haha, thanks so much you guys. i really liked this one. it just happened to me yesterday. it was the sweetest thing ever, and i had to write a poem last night, justso i could keep it fresh in my mind. to the girl/guy who was talking about "that was random LOL" or whatev. i don't see what that has to do with anything. i should hope that by my writing, you can tell that i can come up with a much better description than "such random nothing." i put that because we talked for about 2 hours, and it wouldn't have fit in the poem. but i understand where you might see that. so no, to answer your retorical question, no. i'm not one of those types. i would like to say thanks, once again, to the only consistent fan i have, haha, Wendz. she has posted on every single work i have i think, and i honestly appreciate it. it's nice to know someone actually reads this stuff. :) thanks to everyone else, i really am thankful that your are giving me pointers. i hope to acheive a new level of writting some day, so that i can get better and better. thanks again.
 — stainedsteel

to wendz- i am not gonna break it into stanzas, it doesn't look good that way. i knew you'd prolly say that, but everything i do is like that, and honestly after comparing the two, i think this is more appealing to me, when i think about the way i wanted the poem to come across. but thanks again and again! you are awesome! and such a better writter! :) :)
 — stainedsteel

*laughs* I guess my stanza fetish is predictable, huh?! =] I guess it would look weird into stanzas, you'd lose that tone you have going.
Thanks stainedsteal..you're lovely!
 — wendz

right back at ya!!
 — stainedsteel

Nice, nice, nice!!!!  The last line is just so perfect.
 — Isabelle5

thank you so much. i quite agree with you. :)
 — stainedsteel

it's a pretty story.  i like it.
 — cfaber

hey man, good job, just one suggestion.
"trees" is repeated way too many times
at the beginning. maybe come up with a
new word after the first time you say it.
then it'll be complete.
 — lifted

Either capitalize or don't capitalize at all...line 5 for example as well as line 20 if line 19 is indeed the end of that sentence. The line breaks make this feel very choppy. I have noticed the short lines in all your poems...if you made them longer it wouldn't feel as choppy and you'd have better flow. This is a fluff teen poem.
 — unknown

thank you for your bullshit.
 — stainedsteel

 — unknown

what other word is there for trees? foliage? i don't like it. i think it's good the way it is, but thanks so much for the suggestion.
 — stainedsteal

this is a perfect poem.
You deserve only good remarks for it.  I try to imagine myself as the man in this scene, and it comes to me very easily.  I dunno, you just captured something really deep here.  I can actually feel the sunlight.......I think I'm in love with you.....will you marry me?
That is if you don't already have a hunk of a guy already....
 — zebrastripes

haha. nope, i don't. this guy was very nice, until he told me who he really was, and his real name. a little shocking. i got over it. it was still a very nice time tho. :) haha, thanks you can "marry me" if you want. lol, thanks for the comments. it's nice to know ppl get something out of my poetry.
 — stainedsteel

hum hah i have no real opinion.

i like the human part peering through in line 25, 26.
it tickles me plenty and makes me go "yum" when people start worrying about their hair in sentimental poemz. it's deliciously matter of fact and real
the rest is just so much poetic blah blah.
more humanity required i say.
 — kaleidazcope

You are welcome for the bullshit but I noticed you changed it so was it really bullshit? You have a lot to learn about accepting critiques.
 — unknown

nope, it wasn't your critique. it was because you called it a "teen fluff poem" how do you know i'm a teen? and what does this have to do with teens? why does it matter? i did think that your suggestion was nice, but i don't think it's great to say something and then be like "bbuuuttt...yatta yatta" that's pointless. so therefore, the last part was bullshit, the fluff part i'll except, yes, but does that even matter really either? you said it like it was bad, but you come off like you think it's maybe good too? it just cancels each other out. HOWEVER i did notice the you made an observation about my other poetry, and my choppiness. that is my writing style, and it works best for me. so therefore, that will not be changing anytime soon. i do thank you though for reading my other works, and so i appologize. i do know that i have alot to learn about except criticism. i think i tend to jump the gun a bit and get defensive of my work. so from now on, i will try to be more open minded, plus, some days i am in a bad mood, and reading things just makes it worse. i am very sorry that i was so eager to shoot down your suggestion. but like you pointed out, i did change it, after rereading it, and i found you were right. thanks for putting up with me :/
 — stainedsteel

I didn't say it was bad or good. It didn't do anything for me but I am only one reader--one opinion. You say the choppiness of your writing is your style and works for you, but do you ever consider your readers?
 — unknown

hmm i guess not. that is just the way it comes out, i did do one, that is posted under a different name. it is called "The Tree of Knowledge and Evil." alot of people said they liked it, it took me forever to write it, since it isn't my normal style, but f you don't like choppy poems, then you may like that one. and yea i know you're only one reader, but despite what i said before, your opinion of me, and my work, does actually matter to me, so i would like to know, if you like the other one better? worse? or if my style just isn't for you. or anything else that you think of my poetry, or whatever. that other poem is posted under stainedsteal. thanks for the comment, again. :)
 — stainedsteel

wow. this is very nice
 — madderhatter

this is so so. but good foundations.
 — Green_Bench

thanks dave. green benches- thanks to you too.
 — stainedsteal

I read this earlier today and loved it.  I wanted to cry, I guess I can relate to it.  
 — choyer

i am sorry it made you sad, or so happy, you wanted to cry, but i am happy that my writing evoked emotion from you. i am glad that you read it, and thanks for your comment choyer. i appreciate it. :)
 — stainedsteel

wow... this poem is so sweet..
 — sharp

Very beautiful and sweet. Keep writing
 — azalea

thanks guys! i was shocked to see my poem here! but if you really like it that much... thanks for the comments and ratings. and yes, i will keep writting.
 — stainedsteel

good, but not so
 — hank

I think this is a great poem.. But hey.. kIss my temple?? I dont understand what temple has to do with it??.. But anyways.. I really like the rhythm of the poem.. except it can be off a bit..like the flow isn't as smooth.. the poem can really make you imagine.. but it doesnt make you dream.. weews.. in my opinions.. you juss need a couple of fixes and the poem would be t-riff.. but eys.. hahah.. sowwie bouts da rude opinion.. juss helpin out...

by... * sweetbaby_anonymous
^ dat's also mah xanga
 — unknown

i don't think your comment was rude at all. :) the thing w/ the temple, is that he kept kissing my temple. like the temple of your face, or like...right next to your eyes??? not like a worship temple. lol. yea, this poem did need some fixer-uppers. i will see if i can get around to it. the problem with that it the fact that when i fuck ith my poetry, i screw it up beyond repair. so if it's okay to begin with, i try not to mess with it, you know? but like i said...we'll see. thank you so reading all of you.

hank-thanks so much.
 — stainedsteel

stainedsteel, I do the same exact thing!!!  I HATE revising, even when I know it is desperately needed...I marry my poems the minute I've written that last line.  It is torture changing things, but that's what good writers do - they revise, edit, and play with their words...sometimes you have to let it sit for awhile, days, weeks, months - then come back.  I've done my best re-writes when I've let a poem alone for an extended time, and then revisited it with an open mind and a fresh perspective.  It actually works...
 — LauraLea2

thanks for the insight. i really appreciate that. i will try that. i have alot of editing that needs to be done.
 — stainedsteel

Your words are wonderful, evocative.  Your arrangement of them, at times, leaves them muddled and lacking the power I feel sure you intend.

I love the specificity of "one hundredth time."  As if you've been counting, in hopes that this one will be the last and that what comes next will be so much more.

-An aberrRANTING MESSanger.
 — unknown

What a lovely moment, i especially enjoy the line about thinking the person needs an excuse to touch. I don't know thats it's a great poem, but the moment is depicted clearly. If you want to make it a better piece, i would suggest thinking about how the readers of the poem can share in this wonderful and private moment you have created.
 — unknown

dude, this is a nice poem. jethro tull: i wouldn't go that far. lol.
 — noneisreal

I noticed the title of this poem because my other half always goes on about my 'pretty green eyes' so i just had to read it. And it is fantastic because it reminds me so much (even the small details) of summer walks with him. Will definately be showing this to him.
And i love the way you have written it without stanzas, it seems to show the constant easy interaction (both verbal and non-verbal) between the couple.
Beautiful Poem.

Kez x
 — unknown

this is very sweet.
 — Evi

aw! it's so perfect.
i love it. good imagery.
 — badnews

temple guy, give us a peace. there are so many women there, why her?
 — unknown

well thanks very much guys for the critiques/ comments. i really am happy that you've all read this. i hope you pass it on. this is one of my favorites that i have written over the past years.

noneisreal- lol, i'm not a dude, but thanks anyway. i appreciate you taking the time to comment/read.

kez x- thanks to you too! i love it when people tell me that my writing has some signifcance to them, or that it touches them! that totally brightened my day knowing that this was somewhat special to you! i really appreciate that you have an appreciation for my work!
 — stainedsteel


eiv- thanks to you as well. i am glad that you thought it was sweet. this was a very sweet and touching moment for me, though the relationship didn't go on for long, it lives with this poem. now that could be good... or not so good....

badnews- i am happy that you liked it. hopefully there are other poems of mine that you like? i am looking forward to hearing from you again. i will definitly be checking your work out. :)
 — stainedsteel

this is beautiful, and were it me, i'd make only a few teensy changes ...

line 11 glow like jade (let folks imagine the glitter in their own minds)
line 13 the trees ("color of" doesn't add much ... something else, maybe?)
line 29 "sweeping" (i don't understand the quotes ... a little dense, i am)

it's sweet, lovely ... a poem i'd read to my wife ... (hmmm ... might do just that! 'course, i'll admit that it's yours ...)
 — Bloodfetish

wow that sounds so familiar
 — unknown

ah, thats sweet. in line 29, with sweeping, he was trying to tell me that i had dirt on my shirt and began sweeping it off with his hands. does that clear it up for you?? hope i helped. i hope you do read this to your wife and you have my permission to tell her you or someone else write it. i don't mind. i am glad that you enjoyed this. thanks for your comments.
 — stainedsteel

I love you poem.  You inspire me in my poetry.  I can relate eery word of your prose to my life - - thank you.
 — whybothre

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