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a star burnt out
Inuki

it is hesitantly in that ochre evening
 1
that i present you with a dead star,
 2
rotten gold dust peels from the hope
 3
i had placed so carefully in the sky.
 4
 
 
even while you muted my ambitions,
 5
i kept trying to throw that star back up.
 6
every time it fell, it was by your touch.
 7
 
 
now i stand before you,
 8
hands glittering with stardust
 9
 
 
only to ask "why?"
 10

2 Sep 04

Rated 9 (7) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (1): 5, 9

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Comments:

Beautiful
 — unknown

The first thing which strikes me in terms of technicality when I read this is the capitalisation of 'Why?' in the last line. Everything is in lower case, except that one word, which looks slightly odd. I would either cap everything, or leave as is and cap the 'i's. =] Too bad. You know, for such a nice poem as this, I would capitalise what needs to be capitalised. As well, your title is capitalised, so--cap!

This makes me feel quite sad. The use of the star imagery in this case I feel is justified, it is not cliched at all. I would like to read stanza one as one run on line. However, as is, it expresses the hesitancy of the persona well. It just would aid flow if it were a run on line.

I especially like lines three and four.

On second thoughts, I like it uncapitalised. The degradation seems to be amplified because of that. I would suggest that you uncapitalise the title as well, purely for the sake of aestheticism.

This is quite a sad poem, without being self indulgent. I like the metaphor of stars as hope. I think it would be good if there was just an extra line or two after l9 though, to give a bit more description. It would also be nice if we had another stanza, filled with such language. Just overall, a very nice poem.
 — wendz

line 7 is a little confusing to me as to what you're trying to communicate.  other than that, this is gorgeous.  i love l3.
 — sassybnyss

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