poetry critical

online poetry workshop



$23.56 To Hear About My Latest Love Affairs!
syczlack

And I'll fill this broken box with my love affairs.
 1
Don't open it till Easter, don't open it without me.
 2
Take advantage of our miseries, feel bloody good
 3
about your confidence.
 4
 
 
Where time has gone - yeah, so will we.
 5
We'll join it as you boo there from your seat.
 6
 
 
"Hey Poet-Boy! Tell us of your arrogance!
 7
Scream some words so we can really cry!
 8
And when we're done violating your feelings,
 9
We'll hum them on our way back home!"
 10
 
 
"No, no. I'm done with that" I'll try to yell.
 11
 
 
But they just take it as my latest catchy phrase and cheer.
 12
I wish I wasn't so clever, so poetic, so sincere.
 13
As I try to walk offstage, head hanging low I hear,
 14
 
 
"Hey Poet-Boy! Where do you think you're going?
 15
We paid $23.56 for these dirty seats!
 16
We want some false emotion, sing some dirty words!
 17
Say, 'I'm a fucking failure, selling out my lover's sins'!"
 18
 
 
So I'll hold the mic - I'll wrap the cord around my neck.
 19
The sound of that will surely take them home.
 20

18 Sep 04

Rated 4.3 (6.9) by 5 users.
Active (5): 9
Inactive (24): 1, 1, 1, 1, 3, 4, 5, 5, 5, 5, 6, 6, 6, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(3 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

this is bloody amazing. It give me chills whenever the crowd speaks to you lines 8-11 and 16-17...This is outstanding and I wouldn't change a thing.
 — peanut

my love affair with life is at its end

they dunked you in the water and you simmered
like an empty tea bag
bringing nothing new to the
common waters of old age

your wrinkles were ruts
where the audience rode
carelessly along your terrain
disregarding your beautiful nature—
abusing you until you cried

They shouted again,
“we paid $23.56 for this show, poet boy
but all the tears are yours
and we never really wanted to feel anyway”

and they walk out of the auditorium—
forgetting the second they left their seats
that there’s a real poet boy with
no where to go home to
who knows that they’ll be back tomorrow night
to see him cry.



so i've read this poem about a million times and i've come to the conclusion that lines 1-5 are of of place. actually, 2-5 are pretty good. I guess it's just line 1 that starts the poem off on a bad foot. it doesn't seem really necessary...but that's just my opinion.
 — peanut

You're right, I never really liked l1. Thanks for the comment.
 — syczlack

I like this, especially the first stanza. Tiny mis-type: L11 - "I'll". L14 - I'd put a comma after "low".
 — claudia

this is pretty damn amazing, i like it, nice job, the end is just great poetry...
 — dmartin

The ending couldn't be better. I can just get a picture of it so clearly. I really like this.
 — Jsmiles05

i think you should take out "bloody" in |3, it's a good word to use but it breaks the flow a bit. maybe use it in another line? add the $ sign to 23.56 in |16, then end |9 with a comma, and this is great.

the last 2 lines are amazing. as is the first stanza.
 — AEOS

also, add an "and" after the comma in |2 to add flow, and put a space before the dash in |17. and i think maybe you should remove the all-caps effect from the title; it doesn't really fit this one.

i think i'm done now. might notice something else on another re-read.
 — AEOS

Thanks AEOS. Good comment.
Yeah, in the title I was going for an
informecial feel, but it was kind of
annoying.
 — syczlack

this is good. i wouldn't say amazing, but it's good. i'll give you a ((5))
 — stainedsteel

Wow. If "good" is a '5' for you, I'd hate to see your bad.
 — syczlack

eh
 — unknown

This is terrific - I give you an ((8)) which is really good for me, since most of the time I don't even bother with rating.... but anyway, I digress.

I'm really fond with the first and last stanza. You started strong and you ended strong. Line 19 is one of my favorite lines you have here.

I'm not too sure with line 5 - do you really ned "yeah, so will we"? I think it needs rephrasing here. It's either a bit overdone, or underdone (if there is such a word)

Stanza three is, what I believe, one of the weakest stanzas here. It feels more like prose; however, it's fairly well written.

I like this - I think you did an excellent job here. There is some brushing up that you still need to do, but I'm sure afterwards you would have created a truly memorable poem.
 — lin12342

if this just doesn't kick you in the gut I don't know what does. great poem, and posted on the day of my birthday.
 — SeraphSoul

much better.
 — AEOS

a-maz-ing.
 — OKcomputer

it was posted on my birthday too
what a coincidence
if it had been posted on my un-birthday
it would have been a lesser coincidence
because i have three hundred and sixty four
un-birthdays going spare
apart from on a leap year

this is cleverer than the other.
but i like it less
not to say i dislike it.
because i don't

i'm just wondering,
now that you've covered performance poetry crap
and people who can't write crap
what you are going to write about next?

i'm sure it'll be deliciously ironic whatever it is
something to look forward to even.
 — kaleidazcope

ssssssss
 — unknown

sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
 — unknown

juice box?
 — ShelbyS

gorgeous!!!
 — speech_less

I love the '4' and '1' without a comment.
You guys are just inspiring to keep writing about your ignorance.
 — syczlack

This is pretty good... i wouldnt go with amazing... but i liked it
 — Heylee

you've changed lines 15-18?
I don't remember what they were before, but I'm pretty sure that I like what you have now a lot less then I like you're other stuff. What the audience says is just so crucial to the poem...

"I'm a fucking failure, selling out my lover's sins" just seems out of place. it doesn't jive with lines 7-10 which seem more reserved.

I think 7-10 are more effective.  

"sing some dirty words" doesn't go either. If the audience is violating the poet boy's feelings...then I'm not sure why they would demand "dirty words" in particular.

what are the audience's reasons for demanding what they do?  What effect are they trying to get out of the poet boy?  we know how the poet boy finaly reacts but i'm not quite sure that there's enough drive in the poem to send him to such a dramatic presentation.

anyone get what i'm saying?
 — peanut

i like the old way better... i'm afraid i shall have to change my initial rating. :(
 — omega

So how much sex with Cursive did you have before they ejaculated this out of your mouth.   Not too bad, I like the part where you’re better than everyone else by doing what they expect you to. Bang away on your cymbals poet boy, we've set your dial on auto drive.
 — PictursRhung

Oh man, you don't know how much love Cursive and I made, and this was your illegitmate son. I mean, obviously there was some influence, but I believe I was able to depart from that and use it as a blueprint for something a bit more original and cocept-filled if you will.

-Syczlack.
 — unknown

I like the ending.  How appropriate.
 — unknown

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