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Village
AtomBombJohn

I built the village
 1
out of pieces
 2
of lego and erector set
 3
and placed people in the towers
 4
with popsicle sticks as railings
 5
and while I watched and took note
 6
they never seemed to notice me
 7
though I created, this their world
 8

14 Oct 04

Rated 9 (9.5) by 1 users.
Active (1): 9
Inactive (3): 6, 10, 10

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(77 more poems by this author)

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Comments:

Reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Lisa created a little city by accident. I liked her soft drink city and I like your lego one. Good stuff/
 — wendz

A representation of God? This strikes a chord and it hurts but it is good.
 — unknown

not too bad

with 'an' erector,
and 'placed' maybe in place of the second 'set'
maybe without the 'the' in 4
and without the second 'i' in 6
if you keep the second i you need to repeat the while
if you see what i mean
anyway does watch and observe really mean two different enough things?
why use both?
probably no comma between 'created' and 'this'
and maybe an 'even' at the beginning of the first line.

yeah it's potentially good
it has popsicle sticks.
and lego.
i like those things.

kaleidazcope
 — unknown

# at the beginning of the last line.
 — unknown

Thanks for the suggestions.
 — AtomBombJohn

This is acctually pretty cool. Its very objective even thought its in first person. The whole thing has a very mellow feel, and I like that.
 — InMyBlood

nice
 — gnormal

You don't need the comma in line 8.

Lego and Erector need caps, they are proper nouns.  Why are you connecting it all with 'and?"  It might be better to break it into sections.

Interesting idea, the 'Creator being ignored" thing.
 — Isabelle5

your title is really dull- but the poem is excelent! thoughtful and thought provoking!
My first favourite in a while...
 — mr_e

HA! You are awesome-- favoring this yourself. I love it.
 — mandolyn

Wait a minute-- Doh! Sorry, I thought this was Mr-e's poem. I see now it was one of his favorites, not the list of his own poetry.

Carry on!
:)
 — mandolyn

I really can relate tonite
 — psychofemale

its so funny-- i wrote this close to 6 years ago.
 — AtomBombJohn

i like your name

can i have it?

Foonie
 — unknown

  life insurance policies 8-OO car insurance ncnkz
 — unknown

  auto insurance quotes >:DDD insurance auto auctions tynwu
 — unknown

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