poetry critical

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this is i will make it it is perfect.
jade

a dry summer, sitting on the porch
 1
with the wood cracking in supporting us
 2
both, you and me, only i'm such a girl
 3
and you were raised
 4
such a boy, the kind i always chased
 5
though seeing us all
 6
fall
 7
and fall
 8
and fail again.
 9
 
 
and no, no, we don't have to talk if we
 10
don't know what to say, we can
 11
just sit in silence and i'll feel
 12
that you're here, or something like that;
 13
really, just let me make my head fit a little
 14
more nicely on your shoulder and i'll place
 15
our fingers to entwine so perfectly like
 16
they were made for each other and
 17
i'll ignore the sweat that beads on my palms
 18
and clams our wrists and beyond
 19

27 Dec 02

Rated 8 (7) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (20): 3, 4, 5, 5, 5, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(9 more poems by this author)

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Comments:

Hmm...quite twisted, I like.
 — Moose

Man I love this. Rock the suburbs, yo.
 — unknown

wow, this poem feels nice.
 — unknown

I am totally loving that no punctuation on the end.
 — allie

Wow!Very nice. I could relate even.Great!
 — AsheePooh

what's with the title?
 — rafter

mantra.
 — unknown

i don't understand the title either.
 — done

it's sweet, a bit to sappy for me. also, the title bothers me, notably where the two 'it's are.
 — abby

alright, i know, i suck at titles. but it's supposed to be like some body saying it, sort of. that's why the its end up next to each other.

i know, it's still not very good.
 — unknown

i kinda like the title, it's what made me decide to read this. i don't know.. it's just different.
 — xout

I like this.
 — bellis

I like this.
 — unknown

veddy nice....
 — xsadxstarx

i like the title, but not the last line.
 — chartreuse

so many words! such a simple little message... its not a bad message, but a simple one...

not bad. being the pretentious poetry snob that i am, there are a few lines that i think kind of degrade it a little bit, but i guess if its the effect you were going for (which it very well might have been) i have no room to talk.

its not the kind of poetry id write. its not the kind of poetry id read. but poetry isnt about me, now, is it?
 — thinknerd

all the words are to increase the akwardness

which this is about.
 — jade

a suggestion?

If it's awkward you're going for, the title works nicely. But why use words such as "nicely," "entwine," "perfectly" ?

I didn't get "awkward" from your poem, probably mainly because of this.
 — unknown

i was trying to show that she's forcing the situation..

i will work on that.
 — jade

I just had the same experience with the title. I sat there reading it a few time trying to figure it out. Basically I came to the point of three pressed sentence/fragments. Perfect this is. I wil make it. It is Perfect.

To speak on the poem though, for some reason I stumbled over line 8 "and to fall" the "to" seemed to jar me in a bad way, especially with it's exclusion in line 9. I really have no suggestion on how to clean that up, just writing "and fall" doesn't seem much better.

For some reason I wanted to hear a word other than "soul" in line 5. Perhaps "boy"... it might play into the whole "girl/boy" issue you are getting at.

When you say "something like that" it does capture the idea of a childish/girly manner. I think that might be what you were going for. I am not one to like the phrase, but if that is the reason why you are using it, I wouldn't know how you could really change it. Possibly think of omitting it entirely?

On the idea of omitting, I thought the poem would have ended well right after "wrists" in line 16.

Overall I do enjoy the feeling of this poem. I like the conversational appearance it presents. It really picked up for me in line 13-18 "just let me... wrists".

This is an old one. I still remember reading it once upon a time. I never got around to commenting on it. Never too late I suppose. With your last comment on it, it seems like you are not done editing or revising. I wont rate it then. I typically don't rate poems anyways. I would really like to see what you would do with revisions having so much of a gap between now and when you wrote the poem. It can be interesting to see how people revise old work. If you do, keep a copy of the original. Makes it interesting to stumble upon it later in life.

The line "only i'm such a girl" ... for some reason I really am fond of that line. Ohh ohh... just thought of something. I believe if you use the sense of that phrase combined with the word "boy" it would really work well for the poem. I don't want to tell you exactly what I mean, cause I think you will be able to see exactly what I mean if you look at it. It might even help to work into the casually repetition that the poem uses. *wink*

Ciao
 — OldShoe

wow.
thank you.
nothing is ever out of revision stages for me, even long after it should be.

"or something like that" is definitely supposed to convey that feeling. i know it isn't very poetic sounding... good. that's what i wanted.

you're right about that wrists thing, i think. too many syllables makes it feel too finished.

i'm reinspired to work on this one.. fall break is finally here. i can't wait to have time to write. college makes one way too busy.

 — jade

"or something like that" is overused. it's in everyone's livejournal. haha i don't know how to change it either.
 — unknown

LOVE the poem, love the title - although it seems to get dangerously close to cliche with the entwined fingers and all - it still works - love the sweaty palms - the clammy wrists - and beyond - keep up the wonderful work.
 — unknown

Jade, you're in college? You write so maturely. Dang.
-z
 — zepplin42

OMG...zepplin what the hell was that supposed to mean?
 — unknown

That meant that I am shocked by jade's apparent age. The writing I've read al looks like it's from someone in his or her 40s and 50s, not by vibrance but by the serenely mature and reasoning voice, not to mention the broad palate of experience.
-z
 — zepplin42

wow. well, thank you. yes, i just completed my first semester of college. and i'm just hoping there's more left in life to add to this broad palate, as it were.

(and good, bordering on cliche is the idea.)
 — jade

First semester of college? I just completed my last (hopefully). Now I'm feeling old AND dizzy....
-z
 — zepplin42

oh pish posh, i'm sure i've hit on boys twice your age. and girls. you've your whole life ahead of you, and if nothing else you're old enough to get young college students who like the idea of dating someone older. milk it.
 — jade

I just meant that if you're beginning college and already this good, then I have absolutely no hope of becoming the greatest poet who ever lived. Rats!
-zep
 — zepplin42

in a nutshell jade, i like your stuff, for want of a better word. lovely.
 — wendz

i love your flow! your line breaks are perfect, your rhythm beautifully natural
this poem is honest and true, truly a work of art
 — sparrow

beautiful poem
 — unknown

Home run! Great slugging with that awnser!
 — unknown

oh cool. love this site: how stuff from way back suddenly reemerges.

very cool

lovely piece

thanks
 — unknown

underground
overground
wombling freeeeeeeeeeeeee

the wombles of wimbledon go on their weeeeeeeeeeeee

stepney
 — unknown

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