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Handicappable You Will Remain
InMyBlood

God is a crutch.
 1
 
 
The faithful have cursed his name
 2
and split him in two.
 3
Since God is the one
 4
they'll blame for the splinters in palms,
 5
perhaps it's time
 6
they learn to walk on their own?
 7
 
 
But they'll taunt God,
 8
Dance around a few more land mines,
 9
and never learn to walk on their own.
 10

25 Oct 04

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Comments:

I'm too tired to frame a critique well, so here's just the bullet points.

The tone is highly accusatory, but I think it would work a little better if the accuser was more specific. Who's the speaker talking to? Who's the "you"? I'm assuming it's everyone, but that just makes it unnecessarily broad and assumptive.

If the "you" is wounded in the palms (l.5), why can't they walk? Or, to put it another way, why are you mixing metaphors in such a short poem? I could possibly see hands clasping the grips of crutches being wounded, but when one thinks "crutch", one immediately thinks of walking, not of hands. I think you should keep to either atrophied feet or damaged hands, not try to do both.

Apostrophe needed in l.6 "it's"

That being said, this is alright. Simple but fairly effective, I think it could be very effective with a little tightening (and possibly expansion). I do like the contrast between ll.3-4, with two and one being paralled. The venom is also pretty clear... some issues with religion, InMyBlood?
 — dandy

I'd rethink the title, by the way.
 — dandy

title is horrible for such a not-so-bad ditty
 — unknown

You need a way to link in the first three lines with the last four. This is my take:

From the first three lines, I read it as if someone had been leaning on God, relying on Him for help through life, believing in him, etc., but coming to blame Him for stuff.

L4 and l5 refer to those people who believe in God, but moan and complain when things go wrong, thus the "splinters" (apparently given by God, who is the "crutch"). The last two lines is someone pointing out that rather than relying on God for things, when you will get tripped up and go through hardship (again, the "splinters"), rely on self. Not sure if that's entirely accurate, but that's what I got from it.

I assumed that the "you" that the persona is accusing refers to all the people who claim to believe in God, but then complain as soon as the littlest (or even biggest) things go wrong, and instead of doing something about it, just wallow more in self pity.

With regards to the title, if I've read it right, I think it's rather witty. As in the 'you' is handicapped, but perfectly capable of being well, capable. I'd probably change it to "You Will Remain Handicappable" though, and do something to illuminate the 'capable' bit to it. As is, it looks pretty yuck. How's about dividing it into two stanzas?

Anyhoo, I'm not sure if I've totally misinterpreted this, have I? I had to read this five odd times before I came to any sort of conclusion. Like dandy said, simple but fairly effective. Not sure how you could expand this but keep the tone though.
-wendz
 — unknown

I like it....some people have a tendancy to go "over the top" in their critiques!
It worked for me- its imperfection does not make it handicapped!
 — unknown

Dandy,
Some people use God as a way to help them get threw life (ie a crutch) and then when something bad happens they seem to renounce there un wavering faith. I can see where you came up with Jesus there though that was un intentional to use palms but it makes sense. With the palms splinters thing i was refering to when the crutch was snapped in half. It is a little unclear though so I will think of a way to reword it. I do believe that tightening up "you" to something more specific would make this a lot more effective. Yes the title is quite odd. It ussally takes me a few tries to think of something that works well. I will work on that too. Also I think religion is a wonderful thing when taken just into the ideals of it. I don't like it when people use things to take blame off of themselves. Reaping what you sew is universal. Not just the bad things. I don't do the "God hates me so I failed my math test" bullshit. Religion in general is a crutch. And that is a good and bad thing.

Wendz,

You are 150% correct in all your assumptions. I liked the title last night but im not sure if its clear enough today. Ill play with some different formats and see what comes up clear cut better. I think before I fuck with the title Ill wait to see what some more folks think.
 — InMyBlood

Edited to peices and not sure how I feel about it yet.
 — InMyBlood

I think I like this version best.
 — InMyBlood

Better?
 — InMyBlood

Have to think about it. In a little while...
-Dandy
 — unknown

alright thanks
 — InMyBlood

Right... to start with, clarification... I never mentioned Jesus in my initial critique. Little confused where you got that from. I thought it was fairly clear (although not completely) that the splinters in the palm were from the broken crutches, but, well there it is then.

I like putting the first line by itself, it gives it a bit more weight and seems more portentous. Good choice.

The alteration to "faithful" is also well done, I think... however, since you changed that part of it, it might make more sense to take "you" out of l.6, maybe something like:

Perhaps it's time
They learned to walk on their own

Just a thought. As before, having an unspecified "you" simply muddles things up a bit.

The addition of the last three lines, I don't think I like. It's not quite contradicting the previous lines, but it comes close... the original lines are a fairly objective observation culminating in a question, these new lines are both a threat and a command. They make the speaker part of the equation, where he wasn't before. I think if you want to keep the addition in, you really should add even more to justify and solidify the sudden change in tone.

However, overall, it's an improvement. Nice.
 — dandy

Do you think if I made the last 3 lines into the "they" ones it would keep the same tone?
 — InMyBlood

How about now?
 — InMyBlood

It does help, yes. I think it would keep more of the tone if instead of beginning l.8 with "And", you began it with "But...". Then possibly end that line with a comma instead of a fullstop.

I feel like I'm starting to get a little bossy here, so just tell me if I get too much.
 — dandy

I think But does work better. I want to emphasize the word dance so I left it in intial caps. I think the comma adds to the flow too. Thanks. Any other suggestions?
 — InMyBlood

Not particularly. I think I've said my piece on this, glad to have helped.

But I can suggest you go and comment on the forum post I just put up, heh.
 — dandy

Oh, damn. I did have one other comment. I'm not sure "They'll" in 8 needs to be capitalized. Or if you want to keep that, it'd be a good idea to change the other "they"s to reflect that.
 — dandy

Oh ok thanks I missed that. Thanks for all your help.
 — InMyBlood

I really like this. I like the content here. Especially about learning to walk on their own. Lines 5 & 9 are really good as well.
 — elysium

Oh. And line 2 is great as well. Well, they are all great, but those are my favorites I think. ;-)
 — elysium

Thanks a lot. Check out my new one "The Streets". I think it is my favorite I have ever written.
 — InMyBlood

It's bland like a hamburger bun.  Not exactly the subject matter for blase blandness. I thought you were supposed to be a great writer from how you talked. Oh, well.

-Zr
 — noneisreal

Split him in two...what? (3)

Nice.
 — mouse

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