poetry critical

online poetry workshop


"The moon is on my side tonight",
I told her
as we meandered down
the dark road.
brushing dark concrete
with Lunamint

26 Oct 04

Rated 8 (5.5) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (5): 1, 3, 5, 6, 8, 8

(define the words in this poem)
(233 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


It would be wonderful if I understood what toothpaste has to do with the moon's orbit. If you mean those commercials with the crescent moon representing nice teeth, that's Crest.
 — FangzOfFire

Thanks for the two.  I realize that this an utterly horrid piece.
The light is "brushing" the concrete....
Like a toothbrush.  Lunamint is the toothpaste.
 — aforbing

I love the idea and the first 4 lines. I think your metaphor in the second half is a bit mixed up - the popular culture element mixed with the ancient motif of the moon is a good idea, but it should be a bit more impactful - (impactful? sorry)
 — opal

You know what, Opal... I like the first four lines the best, also.  I am hard-pressed to out-do them in the lines that follow.
Therefore, I tried to tie in the metaphor of teeth-brushing.  I am falling short, I guess.  This definitely needs some work.  I am hoping someone can suggest some concrete changes for me.  I also really liked my recent poem "Onion", but it did not get a lot of visitors, so I can't tell if people like it or not.  If you happen to get a chance, please read that poem (it's a short one) and let me know your thoughts on that one.  I appreciate it.
 — aforbing

I know exactly where you are coming from. In my opinion, and please don't take it personally. I'd get rid of L7 + 8. Possibly lose L2 and inverted commas on L1. Possibly change L3 + 4 to 'We meander down darkened road; Moonlight' etc.
 — plainjane

Oh...ha ha ha. Sorry, I'm dumb. It's not horrid at all, just a little unclear.
 — FangzOfFire

wow. i love the choice of words, and it's mysterious. it makes you kind of think,, is it a man talking to a woman he loves.. or is he a man talking to a woman whom he is about to kill,,, well i love it
 — witemascara

Hey, I never saw this before!  This is funny stuff!  Lunamint toothpaste!  hahaha
 — Isabelle5

BANDITFEMME:  Here you are... one of my own, in homage to the moon and its children, like me--born July 15th.
 — aforbing