poetry critical

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she runs

granted, life is all those things, she said,
but so am I, and so is death,
is beautiful isn't it?
she cried,
and sighed the days away
into melon colored tumblers.
and in a hallway of empty rooms
with mirrors and
the ghosts of old perfumes
she slides toes over carpet
to knees and dies her deaths
in a green glass basin swirled in
blooded in time, she runs, she runs, she runs

4 Jan 03

Rated 9 (8.1) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (20): 5, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

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I really like everything but line 6 and possibly 'blooded in time'. This has such a haunting feel to it. Nice work.
 — allie

in lines 2 and 3 the comma after death doesn't make sense. it should either be a period and the word "is" in line 3 should be changed the the word "its" OR a period after death and the word death before "is" in line 3. I like the poem.
 — unknown

Thanks allie. I was hesitant on the blooded in time phrase too.

Do you just not like the phrasing and placement of line 6 or do you not like "melon colored tumblers" at all?

About the lines 2 and 3 comment... yes, I realized it's grammatically incorrect, but it's a persona. It's the way she talks. If I made it grammatically correct, it wouldn't be true.

 — Ananke

This does have a haunting feel. I like it a lot, it reads in a very fast and rushed tone. To me it does, anyway.
 — Moose

oh, I love line 6 don't change that.

melon colored melancholy.

I like the ending as well.
 — Lotus

lines 4-6 spectacular. maybe place 4-6 (present tense) after line 13. old starlet? almost very good. line 3: perhaps add to, "is beautiful isn't it?" - "no?" cause it sounds like she's speaking in English as a second language. Tragic ricearoni, but it's got potential.
 — C

Wow. This is really amazing -- lines 1-6 absolutely knock my socks off. I think the line 8/9 linebreak is kinda edgy and you really oughta break after 'knees' in 11. I would give lines 1-6 a perfect 9, but 7-12 is really 7 or 8ish. Line 13 is a 4. You get an 8 overall, but I really wish I could give you that 9 in good conscience. Your first six lines deserve better recognition.
 — unknown

this has brilliant moments, such as lines 7-12. i think it was the last line that spoiled it for me. it might not even be the entire last line, it might just be the repetition. in any case, good work.
 — done

fix that last line, soldier!
 — unknown

i like lines 1-3 and line 9, especially... 1-3 are perfect just the way they are XD don't you dare change them. 9 gave me chills. 13...yeah, i don't understand or like the repetition. if it were all up to me it would go

"blooded in time
she runs"

with a punctuation mark; something or another. maybe a dash and dotdotdot. of course it's not up to me so i'll shutup, lol.

but i'm giving it a nine, despite the last line (i hate it when i rhyme on accident...it sounds silly, lol.).
 — classy_ha

I can't place why, because I never understand real, honest poetry and what it says, but this poem of yours was so beautiful and the imagery hit me so hard that I had to turn it into a song.

If I make a million bucks I'll pay your bills for a year ;)
-Chris T.

PS: to everyone who thinks the last line is bad, it's perfect, I turned it into the chorus, foo's.
 — unknown

realy good
 — reet

I wish the word "deaths" and "life" wasn't used in here. It would be so much more effective without, so the reader would be able to form their own opinion. The second, third and fourth stanzas are just exquisite. The last line bothered me too, until I figured out why. it's not the words themself, but the placing of the commas. It looks a tad messy, that's why I have some difficulties with it.

The middle of this though, is just perfect.
 — unknown

what is ananke?
 — unknown