This is the true unexpurgated version
of Emmy Starkers acceptance speech
at the Hammy Awards.
"Oh my god, i don't believe this,
there are others .... more deserving,"
(there they are ,seething, gnashing
their teeth, choking inside their tuxedo's
or chewing the straps of million dollar
sequinned tourniquet gowns)
"I wish to thank Hank,my banker,
Tom, my current bonker, and Harry,
Larry and Barry to whom i used to be
married. Bugs, who supplies my drugs
and Billy who has the biggest willy in the
world. Annie who waxes my fanny and
under arm hair. Marge, who supplies
the tantric body massage and Fanta,
who helps me remember my mantra.
Alice, who designed my fake palace,
and Jewel who picks leaves out of my pool.
Kate and her mate, who electrified my front
gate, and Timmo who shampoos my 90 foot
limo.Tag who was my best shag ever
and Heather who controls the weather over my house.
Proctor, who flies my helicopter and Kaff
my pet giraffe.
To all you boozers, floozies,
users, hustlers, musclers, tusslers,
dick heads, inbreds, braindeads,
lead in their pencils, bulging biceped,
nandrelone driven phoney balonies;
tough luck, i'm top of the tree"
(Tired and emotional she exits the stage,
not a dry eye in the place. Thank you and good night.)
11 Nov 04
Rated 9 (7.7) by 4 users.
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[And watching the Hammy Awards, millions of infatuated fans are broken hearted. The artists, however, lazily tap one hand on a thigh to simulate appreciation.]
Coolness, indeed. Cap the "i"s, spacing typo l4. Apart from that, this was thoroughly entertaining. What a real speech would be like, the rhyme and rhythm pattern is great. Nice work.
Fantastic - witty, captures the zeitgeist like that vest and tutu ensemble never could,
Thanks for your interesting comments he thought while lazily tapping one hand on his thigh.
um........yea........How dumb a reply is that? On second thoughts don't bother telling me.
larrylark--my feelings are hurt. I apologise for offending you. It won't happen in the future, I assure you.
You could never offend me and thanks for replying . I hope it is not a coded way of saying that you'll never comment on my work again. Now i must be getting paranoid
Great work...this is more than a poem, it's actually literature. Awesome job.
Thanks for your supportive comment
larrylark--you are strange. Your tones are so often sarcastic it's hard to sift through what you *really* mean. So it would be hard not commenting on your poems again. they are often witty and funny.
I don't think my humour is sarcasric,more scathingly ironic. Its often difficult for American and English humour to connect. I hate the "I" voice in poetry and stuff about love and suicide and angst just leave me cold.Poetry should not be linked in any way shape or form to therapy and the psychiatrists couch. I like to reflect what i am in a more objective voice. But as you know us Brits especially the older ones are totally repressed through living in a class riddled society and through not being breast fed all those years ago. so like many of my compatriots i'm mad as a snake inside while maintaining a smooth stiff upper lip.It seems you can say what you like on this web board but on a similar english site run by Autie Beeb (BBC) if you use the word fuck for example they take you off. I love you Wendz ,strictly in the poetic sense of course .
Larry the Brit Lark
The British either have an amusing sense of humour or none at all. Nice to see you back, old chap. *grin* You guys call her "Auntie" too? That is so cool.
I don't think i've been away, have i?
Larry absent friends Lark
Aye, larry. You vanished for a while, but perhaps that, like the world, was all in my mind.
I vanish a lot becoming sometimes invisible even too myself
This poem is ok id realy understand it but i guess its a start
I like this one loads!
Jesus i don't believe it,finally Wix is a satisfied customer
Larrt we aim to please Lark
SO FUCKINGGGGGGGGGGG GOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDD LARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLARRRRRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
larry ur crazy
You now know why i eat bananas.
Larry big bunches Lark
Sometimes i do declare i am so wicked, why, i don't even know myself anymore.
Larry Who? Lark
i really like this larrylark allot wow.....
it's v A r u n.
and yeah, i see that.
Clever, brilliant, funny. I love it! Seriously, this is so good it should be published for a wider audience to enjoy. A total joy.
Weird like life itself.
Larry bonker Lark
oh yeahhhhh i know
I have no gret interest in the material things of this world. Fame money burgers, gold plated pens signing autographs for women and men who are gagging for it etc. etc. just the fact that you have recognised the greatness of this poem will do for me. Thankyou for once more putting your immaculate taste in my direction.
Larry Liar Lark
Bless your cotton socks! ............I think
Well hello there larry, this is my first read of your work and it is very enlightening I must say, who is Emmy Starkers then? You sure sound jealous of her in a very vindictive way indeed. Tai
She's my great grandmother.
Larry unenlightened lark
awesome. i love the cold yet humorous feeling you emitted to the reader. incredible satire. rock on.
thanks for reading
WHoaw! this sure gives me a good laugh!
Interesting comments larry made to wendz.
In respect of humour and his particular idiosyncrasies to words liked, or disliked.
As he points out his choice of certain word also have a tendency to disinclination by others.
Humour, like table manners has its acceptable areas.
If you eat like a pig at home, then the likelihood is that you will do likewise else where.
However, humour like poetry is objective, larry’s sense of humour is the type of humour most people would find irritating if subject to it, for extended periods of close contact.
Such humour I have found usually hides a multitude of sins.
Also, the poem is okay, if you like that kind of thing.
Toilets doors make excellent posting areas.
i watch those toilet doors with great interest as i know its the only place that i can find your work. Dear dear, poor mor the man that satire by passed. What can we expect from a person who worships Girls Aloud. Idiot savant for the coming year. I would also not be interested in hearing your orgiastic views on their slant on life much trumpeted in one of the political weeklies recently.
Larry mor or less Lark
I am glad to see you at least found my work, what were you looking for in the ladies toilets?
Reference, Girls Aloud.
At least we do agree on one point, neither would I.
Fortunately, I have never read, or heard any of it. (At least in Der Spiegel that is)
Though, it must have been of some interest to you. I wonder why.
Also, I do believe that I have never once heard a single song of theirs.
I much prefer a good opera.
Though, I do believe Sarah Harding collects a very nice remuneration for modelling underwear, an equivalent amount would probably keep you in comfortable retirement for quite a long time that is provided you can keep Opal working into old age; to support you also
However, your want of inunctuosity suffices for your inumbrated sense of the satirical...
I knew we'd get round to your fantasy's sooner or later. Seems you've got it really bad.
Larry pop porn Lark
No, I have been to those lesbo readings too.
Those university dropouts looking for an identity.
Some were quite good, a lot better than yours in fact.
“Seems you’ve got it really bad”
Have got? you have really put your foot in it.
You must get Opal to check all your submissions for errors, not just your posted work.
Go on mor.
is your wall punctuated with her picture.I know you are a hot sweater, i can smell you from here. When she sings (LOL) does her warble reach the parts other warbles can't reach? I can recommend you a couple of really good sites if you want, something that might take your mind off your not very grand obsession .
larry nose for it Lark
Surprisingly enough, if I have an obsession, it is then for works of art.
I do not have any spare wall space in my house.
With nearly three hundred paintings by authenticated artists or very fine copies of work by quite famous painters hung on its walls, there is, therefore, no room for miscellaneous additions.
Get back to reading your Star, Sport, Mirror or whichever rag you subscribe too, no doubt you will find pictures aplenty to amuse you.
i don't like to comment on the poetry of strangers
but seriously, people, why is this here?
--at the top of the top-rated list
this poem was not even written by a member of the site
(and besides it's not really that entertaining)
it seems to make the top-rated list look bad
but that's just my opinion
i think i'll start quoting the princess bride
see how that goes.......
Thanks for your penetrative and incisive crit i really appreciate the time and trouble you have gone to. Will you please give it another 1 as i am a collector and am developing a fine set which i am hoping to sell along with my beautifully embossed series of comments on my so called poems at the Idiot Auction in the New Year
Larry Thank You Lark
so much fine work. All of it wasted
Larry connersewer Lark
Basket packer would appear to be a basket case.
larrylark says of his top rated poem, "Oh my god, i don't believe this, there are others .... more deserving," (there they are ,seething, gnashing their teeth, choking inside..." they are so envious of the larkster.
Very funny. First time I have seen this one.
could it be so, larry the cameleon lark wrote this? i GOT it man, i DIG it!!!
|22-24 took it over the edge in my opinion to being unbelievable. The rest of it was just wonderful, though.
Look here my friend, every word in this poem is true. Heather told me so.
Larry feeding his pet giraffe Lark
As always, that zany creative eye opens up worlds for my imagination to romp in. Thanks 4 that, LarryLark. Love, Starr
Thanks a million Starr
What more could anyone ask on oscar night?
too funny - wonder which one will come closest?
now how did i ever miss out on
thanks for the great read again,
mr larry funny lark.
A little bit more of the same?
Larry the same lark
best to stay under the weather
Larry nose to the ground lark
Or come out of the closet
Larry locked in the outside toilet lark
glad this one tickled your funny bone
Larry tickled pink Lark
this is wonderful
ummm yea i love ur poem
make sure to return the love pleace
comment 1 of ma poems
or just read them
oo yea ur poem was great
this is a wonderfully great poem.
i have read it many times.
Your support is a continuing source of inspiration to this old fool
Larry king of the wrinkleys Lark
-Smirks- Funny, larry lark I think is more notice that this poem lol
I wrote this speecj so i know just what i am talking about
Larry know swhat he's talking about Lark
the bitch left me out!
Haha, I love this---perfect example of a funny, satirical poem.
This is brilliant. Perfect satire with great wit and observations of the absurd.
Because it is so good, I'd love to see the punctuation tightened up (commas and spaces) - it does distract me when I'm reading it through.