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Thank You

This is the true unexpurgated version
of Emmy Starkers acceptance speech
at the Hammy Awards.
"Oh my god, i don't believe this,
there are others .... more deserving,"
(there they are ,seething, gnashing
their teeth, choking inside their tuxedo's
or chewing the straps of million dollar
sequinned tourniquet gowns)
"I wish to thank Hank,my banker,
Tom, my current bonker, and Harry,
Larry and Barry to whom i used to be
married. Bugs, who supplies my drugs
and Billy who has the biggest willy in the
world. Annie who waxes my fanny and
under arm hair. Marge, who supplies
the tantric body massage and Fanta,
who helps me remember my mantra.
Alice, who designed my fake palace,
and Jewel who picks leaves out of my pool.
Kate and her mate, who electrified my front
gate, and Timmo who shampoos my 90 foot
limo.Tag who was my best shag ever
and Heather who controls the weather over my house.
Proctor, who flies my helicopter and Kaff
my pet giraffe.
To all you boozers, floozies,
users, hustlers, musclers, tusslers,
dick heads, inbreds, braindeads,
lead in their pencils, bulging biceped,
nandrelone driven phoney balonies;
tough luck, i'm top of the tree"
(Tired and emotional she exits the stage,
not a dry eye in the place. Thank you and good night.)

11 Nov 04

Rated 9 (7.7) by 4 users.
Active (4): 8, 10
Inactive (28): 1, 1, 1, 1, 4, 6, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(1019 more poems by this author)

(6 users consider this poem a favorite)

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um...........................................yea.. .................
 — dmu_96

[And watching the Hammy Awards, millions of infatuated fans are broken hearted. The artists, however, lazily tap one hand on a thigh to simulate appreciation.]
Coolness, indeed. Cap the "i"s, spacing typo l4. Apart from that, this was thoroughly entertaining. What a real speech would be like, the rhyme and rhythm pattern is great. Nice work.
 — unknown

Fantastic - witty, captures the zeitgeist like that vest and tutu ensemble never could,
 — opal

Dear Wendz

Thanks for your interesting comments he thought while lazily tapping one hand on his thigh.

Larry Larkspur
 — unknown

um........yea........How dumb a reply is that? On second thoughts don't bother telling me.
 — larrylark

larrylark--my feelings are hurt. I apologise for offending you. It won't happen in the future, I assure you.
 — unknown

Dear Wendz

You could never offend me and thanks for replying . I hope it is not a coded way of saying that you'll never comment on my work again. Now i must be getting paranoid
 — larrylark

Great work...this is more than a poem, it's actually literature. Awesome job.
 — Catbox

Dear Catbox

Thanks for your supportive comment
 — larrylark

larrylark--you are strange. Your tones are so often sarcastic it's hard to sift through what you *really* mean. So it would be hard not commenting on your poems again. they are often witty and funny.
 — unknown

Dear Wendz

I don't think my humour is sarcasric,more scathingly ironic. Its often difficult for American and English humour to connect. I hate the "I" voice in poetry and stuff about love and suicide and angst just leave me cold.Poetry should not be linked in any way shape or form to therapy and the psychiatrists couch. I like to reflect what i am in a more objective voice. But as you know us Brits especially the older ones are totally repressed through living in a class riddled society and through not being breast fed all those years ago. so like many of my compatriots i'm mad as a snake inside while maintaining a smooth stiff upper lip.It seems you can say what you like on this web board but on a similar english site run by Autie Beeb (BBC) if you use the word fuck for example they take you off. I love you Wendz ,strictly in the poetic sense of course .

Larry the Brit Lark  
 — larrylark

*nods once*
The British either have an amusing sense of humour or none at all. Nice to see you back, old chap. *grin* You guys call her "Auntie" too? That is so cool.
 — unknown

Dear Wendz

I don't think i've been away, have i?

Larry absent friends Lark
 — larrylark

Aye, larry. You vanished for a while, but perhaps that, like the world, was all in my mind.
 — unknown

I vanish a lot becoming sometimes invisible even too myself
 — larrylark

This poem is ok id realy understand it but i guess its a start
 — unknown

  I like this one loads!
 — Wix

Jesus i don't believe it,finally Wix is a satisfied customer

Larrt we aim to please Lark
 — unknown

 — unknown

larry ur crazy
 — bear

clever .
 — unknown

Dear Unknown

You now know why i eat bananas.

Larry big bunches Lark
 — larrylark

wicked stuff.
 — varun

Hi Verun

Sometimes i do declare i am so wicked, why, i don't even know myself anymore.

Larry Who? Lark
 — larrylark

i really like this larrylark allot wow.....
 — MsNewBooty

it's v A r u n.
and yeah, i see that.
 — unknown

lmfao weird
 — MsNewBooty

Clever, brilliant, funny. I love it! Seriously, this is so good it should be published for a wider audience to enjoy. A total joy.
 — smugzy

 — MsNewBooty

Dear Booty,

Weird like life itself.

Larry bonker Lark
 — larrylark

oh yeahhhhh i know
 — MsNewBooty

Hi SMugsey

I have no gret interest in the material things of this world. Fame money burgers, gold plated pens signing autographs for women and men who are gagging for it etc. etc. just the fact that you have recognised the greatness of this poem will do for me. Thankyou for once more putting your immaculate taste in my direction.

Larry Liar Lark
 — larrylark

Bless your cotton socks! ............I think
 — smugzy

cheekily good.
 — unknown

Well hello there larry, this is my first read of your work and it is very enlightening I must say, who is Emmy Starkers then?  You sure sound jealous of her in a very vindictive way indeed.  Tai
 — unknown

Dear Unknown

She's my great grandmother.

Larry unenlightened lark
 — larrylark

great poem!
 — wiccanhot

awesome. i love the cold yet humorous feeling you emitted to the reader. incredible satire. rock on.
 — lanezfairy

Dear Wicconhot,

thanks for reading

 — larrylark

WHoaw! this sure gives me a good laugh!
 — inc_reign

Interesting comments larry made to wendz.

In respect of humour and his particular idiosyncrasies to words liked, or disliked.

As he points out his choice of certain word also have a tendency to disinclination by others.

Humour, like table manners has its acceptable areas.

If you eat like a pig at home, then the likelihood is that you will do likewise else where.

However, humour like poetry is objective, larry’s sense of humour is the type of humour most people would find irritating if subject to it, for extended periods of close contact.

Such humour I have found usually hides a multitude of sins.

Also, the poem is okay, if you like that kind of thing.

Toilets doors make excellent posting areas.

 — unknown

Yes mor,

i watch those toilet doors with great interest as i know its the only place that i can find your work. Dear dear, poor mor the man that satire by passed. What can we expect from a person who worships Girls Aloud. Idiot savant for the coming year. I would also not be interested in hearing your orgiastic views on their slant on life much trumpeted in one of the political weeklies recently.

Larry mor or less Lark
 — larrylark

I am glad to see you at least found my work, what were you looking for in the ladies toilets?

Reference, Girls Aloud.

At least we do agree on one point, neither would I.

Fortunately, I have never read, or heard any of it. (At least in Der Spiegel that is)

Though, it must have been of some interest to you. I wonder why.

Also, I do believe that I have never once heard a single song of theirs.

I much prefer a good opera.

Though, I do believe Sarah Harding collects a very nice remuneration for modelling underwear, an equivalent amount would probably keep you in comfortable retirement for quite a long time that is provided you can keep Opal working into old age; to support you also
However, your want of inunctuosity suffices for your inumbrated sense of the satirical...


 — unknown

Hi mor

I knew we'd get round to your fantasy's sooner or later. Seems you've got it really bad.

Larry pop porn Lark
 — larrylark

No, I have been to those lesbo readings too.
Those university dropouts looking for an identity.

Some were quite good, a lot better than yours in fact.

“Seems you’ve got it really bad”

Have got? you have really put your foot in it.

You must get Opal to check all your submissions for errors, not just your posted work.

 — unknown

Go on mor.

is your wall punctuated with her picture.I know you are a hot sweater, i can smell you from here. When she sings (LOL) does her warble reach the parts other warbles can't reach? I can recommend you a couple of really good sites if you want, something that might take your mind off your not very grand obsession .

larry nose for it Lark
 — larrylark

Surprisingly enough, if I have an obsession, it is then for works of art.
I do not have any spare wall space in my house.
With nearly three hundred paintings by authenticated artists or very fine copies of work by quite famous painters hung on its walls, there is, therefore, no room for miscellaneous additions.

Get back to reading your Star, Sport, Mirror or whichever rag you subscribe too, no doubt you will find pictures aplenty to amuse you.

 — unknown

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!????????????!!!!!!!!!???? ???????
 — unknown

i don't like to comment on the poetry of strangers
but seriously, people, why is this here?
--at the top of the top-rated list
this poem was not even written by a member of the site
(and besides it's not really that entertaining)
it seems to make the top-rated list look bad
but that's just my opinion
i think i'll start quoting the princess bride
see how that goes.......
 — basketpacker

Hi Basketpacker

Thanks for your penetrative and incisive crit i really appreciate the time and trouble you have gone to. Will you please give it another 1 as i am a collector and am developing a fine set which i am hoping to sell along with my beautifully embossed series of comments on my so called poems at the Idiot Auction in the New Year

Larry Thank You Lark
 — larrylark

Dearest mor

so much fine work. All of it wasted

Larry connersewer Lark
 — larrylark

Basket packer would appear to be a basket case.
 — unknown

larrylark says of his top rated poem, "Oh my god, i don't believe this, there are others .... more deserving," (there they are ,seething, gnashing their teeth, choking inside..." they are so envious of the larkster.

Very funny. First time I have seen this one.
 — unknown

could it be so, larry the cameleon lark wrote this? i GOT it man, i DIG it!!!
 — unknown

|22-24 took it over the edge in my opinion to being unbelievable. The rest of it was just wonderful, though.
 — Virgil

Look here my friend, every word in this poem is true. Heather told me so.

Larry feeding his pet giraffe Lark
 — larrylark

As always, that zany creative eye opens up worlds for my imagination to romp in.  Thanks 4 that, LarryLark.   Love, Starr
 — starr

Thanks a million Starr

 — larrylark

What more could anyone ask on oscar night?
 — opal

too funny - wonder which one will come closest?
 — unknown

now how did i ever miss out on
this one?

thanks for the great read again,
mr larry funny lark.
: )
 — fractalcore

Dear opal

A little bit more of the same?

Larry the same lark
 — larrylark

Dear unknown

best to stay under the weather

Larry nose to the ground lark
 — larrylark

Or come out of the closet

Larry locked in the outside toilet lark
 — larrylark

Dear fractalfore

glad this one tickled your funny bone

Larry tickled pink Lark
 — larrylark

this is wonderful
 — unknown

 — Estrella

ummm yea i love ur poem
make sure to return the love pleace
comment 1 of ma poems
or just read them
oo yea ur poem was great
xoxo dainelys
 — dainelys

dear larry,

this is a wonderfully great poem.
i have read it many times.

thank you.
 — varun

Hi varun

Your support is a continuing source of inspiration to this old fool

Larry king of the wrinkleys Lark
 — larrylark

 — CrudeEcstasy

-Smirks- Funny, larry lark I think is more notice that this poem lol
 — inc_reign

I wrote this speecj so i know just what i am talking about

Larry know swhat he's talking about Lark
 — unknown

the bitch left me out!
 — unknown

 — larrylark

Haha, I love this---perfect example of a funny, satirical poem.
 — andyleggett

This is brilliant. Perfect satire with great wit and observations of the absurd.
Because it is so good, I'd love to see the punctuation tightened up (commas and spaces) - it does distract me when I'm reading it through.
 — Cocoa