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Toss me over your shoulder
Cater my needs
Crack a smile
Don’t laugh too much.
Don’t ever be too obscure
Don’t ever ask for more
No jumping ahead
Find something with a little
Call out a name
Point a finger and go
Run to some another place
Where it's safe
Feeling air of security
Being comfortable
And then let it all fade into
Become what is inevitable
Create something new
Something quick to cure
Tearing it away
Getting up and out of this

28 Jan 05

Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
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The way the line breaks are right now it kind of makes it seem choppy. If you were to combine some lines with the same letter sounds and such it would give it a little more flow I believe.

kind of like:

Truth, Toss me over your shoulder
Cater my needs crack a smile
But don’t laugh too much.
end stanza

what do you think of something like that?
 — InMyBlood

yeah i see what you mean ....
its not exactly my favorite anyway...i just was looking for something to post

but i appriciate you commenting....you are the first person to sat anything
if you are interested in something different than this...i posted another poem that maybe isnt much better but i like it alot more

 — duffyj83

Dont doubt youre work or everyone else will too. Ill check out the other one.
 — InMyBlood

 — InMyBlood

It seems like you're working too hard on this one. Let me ask you this: Do you have an overall dramatic plan? We can go from there. I, for example, don't understand the overall story of the poem, and therefore cannot form one coherent concept of its subject matter. You have focus for the descriptions of "stability" and "nothing", but I think that your "truth" stanza is weak, probably weighed down with expectations you put on it yourself. Remember, we're not in your head. You've got you bring your world to our feet and then cut it up into such shapes as we can mentally digest.

Story aside, I don't think you're getting much out of your form except drive. One thing that stood out for me while reading was that this poem is really very driven. But there is no dramatic arc. In the place where your poem's crux would normally lie (at the Golden Section), you have words about "nothing", of all things. It's quite ineffective. I'd suggest reorganising, or maybe even adding several stanzas to juggle around.

Rhythmically, you're not doing a bad job; but there are a few akward rhythms in your poem. First, "cater my needs" should be "cater to my needs", which has perfect rhythmic closure. Also, "Where it is safe" should be "Where it's safe" since the rhythmic environment around it demands that shape.

I could go on and on, but I think I'd need to see a revision before being able to give more accurate or valid criticism. Anything I say beyond this would probably be pretentious.
 — zepplin42

This is a good poem I like it.
 — Kristin

revised it alittle
 — duffyj83

In like 6 I think you meant obscure.
 — imahabit

Sorry, I meant "I think in like 6 you meant obscure".

the concept of the poem is very good.
 — imahabit

this too is very good.  It's an offer of cure.  Fine. No crit,,, just that I too, thought you may have meant "obscure". Perhaps "ab" is a poetic take.  License noted and accepted
 — frankensteen

Haha, I love the the way it jumps, connection!
 — Andrew

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