poetry critical

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one night:
semaj

says,
 1
"help me take off my shirt;"
 2
makes me read Bukowski;
 3
makes me stay up all night and dance slow and tired the next day,
 4
thoughts working furious and rolling in my head.
 5
I want to touch her breast and
 6
a memory of kissing more than just
 7
the one frantic burst ("Do you want to kiss me?" she asked
 8
before it all,
 9
"Don't, but do you want to?")
 10
scent and memories on my pillow
 11
blanket and I can still hear her voice feel her touch,
 12
see her taking off layers
 13
of clothing - tights under skirt, black
 14
underwear, light blue bra, and changes her
 15
black shirt for a white one.
 16
Later asks me, "help me take off my shirt" while
 17
lying in front of me in the dark.
 18
I thought I never had a chance and she
 19
leaned into me,
 20
presses against my body, and all
 21
except one frantic burst
 22
refuses to kiss me. Five, maybe seven kisses in that.
 23
Seems so much more.
 24
 
 
moans loudly under pressure from my hand, and I'd like to
 25
lay with her (just lay), naked bodies wrapped
 26
comfortably together.
 27

30 Jan 03

Rated 9 (7.8) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (20): 4, 5, 5, 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(27 more poems by this author)

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Comments:

Ah, very interesting indeed. A sweet poem.
 — Moose

Lovely. It's sweet and sensual and direct.
 — bellis

i absolutely love it until the last line...something with it just sits wrong with me...i think the poem would have been complete before the second stanza, the first said so much to me. very well written...makes me want to have that memory...
 — unknown

not only is this wonderfully sensual, but it's also just a damn beautiful moment. amazing.
 — unknown

it makes me wish i had a significant
 — thegrinch

this is okay- that thinking (you) never had a chance with the girl feels like a change of seasons- really powerful there. kind of ordinary in the rest. a little jumbly/unclear in the punctuation and run ons such as L17- sounds like a command and punctuated as such- but written that she asks. 25-27- is this after the kissing or some time in between? kind of hangs there unattached to the agony and with a totally changed mood. well-written- the formation just kind of annoys me and it made me feel sort of unpleasantly dirtier than before I read it.
 — C

C,

I think- you missed- the point.

- Not the author, just a careful reader.
 — unknown

well, why can't you teach me what you think I missed? Would you please share what you think I missed?
 — C

man oh man, if rafter ever puts up the favorite poem lists, this is so going on mine. you have captured some of the best moments of my life here (give or take for poetic license)
 — unknown

I wish I could have written this.
 — unknown

only sex poem i've ever liked isn't even about sex. nice.
 — jade

I usually hate stuff like this, but I couldn't ignore the positive elements. It creates a very palpable atmosphere of tension – something not easily done.
 — nzkiwi

off to a great start. but can you make the poem poem better without destroying the feeling youve captured so well? this 8 is stuck jumbled up as a 5.
 — unknown

I like it. Silly that suddenly I like stuff like this when I used to shun it.
 — abby

i really like the lines 8,9, and 10 when she asks "do you want to kiss me? Dont. But do you want to?"... nice.
 — starryme

I've felt the swirling delirium of this before. At least I think I have. Or wish I had... Very enjoyable. Teasingly satisfying.
 — Duende

i guess it's that the word "comfortable" is completely at odds with the rest of the poem.
 — lennox

I really like parts of this (lines 4-5, 8-10) but I really don't feel like I can relate to the poem entirely, even though I have been that girl so many times. Something in the style makes me have to re-read each line too many times to be transported.
 — Lossandra

love, i miss reading your dailies at life as a dinosaur. we used to have conversations. you are so distinct in style, feel, and intent. i suppose i'll have to remind myself to go back.
 — jade

E., that means something to me, but I just don't know how to respond. I'm all for conversatons, by the by; I just always have the trouble of not knowing where to start. Thanks, though, and I too need to remind myself to go back. I'm trying to work out the process of reminding myself that, or to move forward; either is a step, certainly.
 — semaj

very nice. i like it. sensual, but not smutty. i like 25 to 26 best.
 — wendz

I have no idea why this made me feel dirtier. Please excuse me for that. I do think that it is fairly ordinary- I'm left with mostly noise in my mind after reading it, but it has a pretty structure. Also, if you're under 23, this is comparatively excellent writing for this site and its average age range. The Bukowski reference made me feel like I was witness to some sophisticated healthy sexuality, though I don't know of the author. I still appreciate that you didn't think you had a chance- strange how it likely ends up that way in such relations later when she leaves or the male does or strays because of the insecure sense that she always may- but maybe not in this one. Good to be truly right for one another rather than over-fantastical. Less is more. (C)
 — unknown

beautiful and sweet.
 — misspanda

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