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Vestige
elysium

Inspired by the art of Luis Royo.
 1
 
 
Paint me pictures of vestige
 2
and oracles in dusty coffin chambers
 3
Under moonlight, Venus beneath war clouds
 4
wearing a crown of electroshock thorns,
 5
Stained with broken tears of blood
 6
the taste of salt
 7
against the wooden sky
 8
 
 
Airbrush me desire
 9
among the hush of wings
 10
pierced angels
 11
kissing Liberty
 12
Shoes ragged,
 13
among hidden ruins
 14
Babydolls
 15
embraced by purgatory
 16


The twin to this poem that Zepplin wrote is here: http://poetry.tetto.org/read/8383/

31 Jan 03

Rated 8 (8.3) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (4): 7, 8, 8, 9, 9

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Comments:

I really liked the first line. I can't say much more without knowing more about Luis Royo, which I don't, so I'm not going to say anything more.
 — unknown

I don't know who Luis Royo is either, but this poem seems to be a nice collection of the images I've seen in certain bits, a certain style of Latino Los Angeles art. line 4 is great, i like how you refer to airbrushing. is there another image you could end on? this ending doesn't feel as strong as the first line.
 — britta

i like the confusion and chaos of it all...nice abstract.
 — unknown

Oh, elysium. You are more beautifully brilliant than you know. I am almost crying over this feeling. You've once again managed to perfectly evoke your vision for me.

The only thing that I might change, were I you, would be to add a space (stanza break) after l7. Other than that, this is perfect. The lack of periods is very effective in letting the images gush into one another. The general juxtaposition of an invaded air element with a ravaged earth element moves me in ways that only you could possibly understand.
-z
 — zepplin42

Oh. I have a question for anyone who reads this. Should I change line 14 to 'Babydolls' instead of Baby dolls? Little minor thing I always kinda debated.

The stanza break is a good idea. I thought I might have had that in one copy. I forget. Maybe not, but it does feel that it might belong.

"The general juxtaposition of an invaded air element with a ravaged earth element."

Lovely description. I feel like playing more with elements.
 — elysium

I would suggest Babydolls.  It feels more right.  
 — unknown

Ok.. lets try "Babydolls"....

It's funny when you write something and get tunnel vision!!! I'm so used to seeing that line the other way.. =)

Oh and adding that space..
 — elysium

Not sure if I like the space, but maybe I just need to get used to it.. :-/
 — elysium

interesting thought. Thanks for your comment.
 — dmu_96

Should I try to extend this and make it longer? I was restricted to 15 lines when I wrote it as it was an assignment, but I do think from time to time that it should have been longer.
 — elysium

I'm not really pinned down on the whole baby dolls thing. I don't know if you should or could make it longer. You could certainly try, but it might end up as a different beast.

You say this was an assignment. What was the specific instruction of the assignment? I'm curious because I wrote a poem based on your form here.
-z
 — unknown

Oh, the specific instructions.. I wonder if I still have them somewhere as I used to save Everything.. I was given a list of words and was supposed to use a certain combination of the words from the list in a 15 line max poem.. A certain number each of the verbs, adjectives, etc. It might have gone on had I not been forced to end at 15 lines. Good simple little assignment to stimulate creativity though. I wasn't really expecting much, but everyone responded well to the result. No one ever seemed to have any gripes with this poem for whatever reason.

You are right. It might end up a different beast. ::shrug:: I've been getting more interested in writing stories again anyway rather than poetry of late..
 — elysium

Ok. Babydolls officially now. It does feel more right. =)
 — elysium

;)
 — devilsbelboy

You say you are a devil/angel on myspace now, I always thought of you in those terms, an' I recall you liking yourself that way.
 — devilsbelboy

i love you
 — TheYoungCrow

i love you more
 — nicolecote

I can say I loved you more than any of them.  You haunt me to this day, I'm more in love with you than I ever have been.
 — devilsbelboy

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