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To Nagasaki,

I think I would have liked
to meet your children.
I am certain
that they would have
attained your knack
for polishing silverware
and knitting.
on sundays,
they could sing choral hymns
and on fridays, they would
scutter up the stairs
from school
eagerly greeting the weekend.
it is too bad
they were blown to pieces -
I told you not to go
to Nagasaki

9 Feb 05

Rated 7 (6.5) by 1 users.
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Inactive (1): 6, 7

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It's not bad until the last four lines. The thing about poetry is that you can't just come out and say something. You have to hint at it so that the reader feels it happening himself. I would recommend a more subtle phrasing like "I think it's a shame/ your children flew to the sun,/ moved by a sinister piper...." See what I mean? Use your own words, but I heavily recommend the phrasing. The last two lines are very weak. Can someone else suggest an improvement?

Also, don't change voice. You're saying "your" in l2, but you don't recap in the rest of the poem. You can't keep saying "they", which distracts from your voice. By the way, it's a great choice of narrative.

Finally, include the title as the first line. It'll help.
 — zepplin42

OMG, this is you, Inuki?
 — zepplin42

Thanks for the comments, I'll definitely rework this piece, I wrote it really quickly this morning on the bus in a matter of minutes and haven't had time to refine it.

O_o;; Why the scary Valley-girl "OMG", Zepp?
Was it so bad that it was surprising I wrote something this awful?
 — Inuki

No, not at all. I just thought you were a novice based on the last two lines. They sounded immature, like a lot of the first-timers to PC. The rest of it was great, though. I don't know if you agree, but this is somewhat unlike you in character, even though I now recognise your angle.

Oh yeah, the valley-girl thing was just effect. The poem certainly isn't "awful". I just think it needs a bit more work in some areas.
 — zepplin42

I agree that the last four lines are especially poor. I only added the last two as an after thought. My recently posted "the bus conceit" is a bit more subtle, I suppose (I wrote it later in the day, and put a bit more consideration into it, I think). I do usually prefer to be a bit more subtle, but, hey, why not branch out. ^_^;;

I shall definitely get to rewriting those lines quite soon. I'm also a bit nervous about my allusions and use of symbolism in lines 6-8, but like my allusion from 10-11.
 — Inuki

Keep both allusions (for now), and good luck with the rest.
 — zepplin42

OMG! You guys have Valley Girl in Canada?! Wow! ^_^

Capitalise "sundays", as you have already given one proper noun a capitalisation. Contrary to zepp, I think you shouldn't have the title as the first line. It just looks lazy. Maybe change the title or something. The initial comma after "Nagasaki" in the title implies that there will be a following address, but all you've got it "To Nagasaki" again which tends to look dodgy as all hell.

You already know what I think is dodgy about this, so you're gonna have to justify it. I remain unconvinced of your smartness. I love the last four lines though, even though you know that I have problems with the phrasing of the last two.

I hear what Zepp is saying, but the thing is, I read this with a motherly tone. Like a mum trying to be patient with a child, and then in the end, yelling at them and trying to make them see the repercussions of not listening to her.

My thoughts, anyway, I grow weary and there is a conceit I must address. ^_^
 — unknown

i'm sorry. i have to agree with zepp. the last four entirely deflate it for me.

scutter is an incredible word.

dear nagasaki, perhaps?

mostly loveful.
 — noodleman

and on tuesday we shall peel
their skins from the metal scraps.
 — unknown