poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Red Light, Green Light
unknown

The light was red and I asked her
 1
if she knew what I liked best.
 2
She kept her eyes on the stoplight
 3
while I told her about manhole covers
 4
with roadlines that don't line up anymore.
 5
 
 
The light still red, I asked her
 6
what she liked the best.
 7
Her eyes still on the light, she said,
 8
tree-lined streets turned to tunnels
 9
by intertwined branches.
 10
 
 
The light turned green, she eased off the brake and
 11
the car rolled slowly forward.
 12
She glanced at me sideways, and thanked me
 13
for reminding her not to waste time
 14
while waiting for a light to change.
 15

17 Feb 02

Rated 10 (7.6) by 1 users.
Active (1): 7
Inactive (41): 4, 4, 5, 5, 5, 5, 6, 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(8 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

so we *should* try and comment, but when the writign is so good to start, it's hard to. i think i like this one the best of yours.
 — unknown

I saw this poem posted by you on another site. The comments were both positive and plentiful. I have to agree with anonymous in saying that this is also my favorite.
 — mouser8r

a little too prosey?
 — unknown

I remember this day well. It was so beautiful.
 — unknown

hey rafter this is my favorite poem of yours i've seen. very thoughtful. not too prosey. excellent piece.
 — unknown

you are a great poet.
 — unknown

I believe your concept is good, but the wording needs improvement.
 — unknown

oh my god, i hate this one....why is it consistantly number one whenever i go online?
 — unknown

I like it. Not as much as some of your other poems, but I still like it.
 — abby

i really enjoy this one every time i read it. the style you use to pull it all together is amazing. you know i already thought this. but hey
 — Cach

Rafter dude, I don't know why but everyone on this site seems to love you, I tell ya what i think bout your poems and if i don't like it mine get bashed- I don't get it.
I hate to say it but I am not feeling this one either. It is really a great concept, but i mean the wording is killing me. At least I don't go anonymous, I let ya know who said it. I give ya a five playa.
Chris
 — trwsman

hmmm.... not bad at all. part of me wants more, the other part says "this is just right".
 — aforbing

i love this and i don't know why i haven't said so yet.
 — done

Prose poetry is great when done the right way. You did it the right way. Just beautiful.
 — unknown

I love it, what a wonderful concept and that first stanza is perfect. I'm not sure you need to explain quite so much in the last stanza, but I'm not sure I'd have it any other way, either.
 — allie

I love the beginning, not so crazy about the middle, love the end. Goodygoodygoody.
 — boomcrunch

8 for giving the public what they want.
4 for giving the public what they want.
i bet this 6 was too easy for you.
 — gnormal

Good Stuff
 — NO

Ok, this is nice, and I like lines 9-10. Oh and for the record, trwsman, the reason people bash your poems is not because you bash rafter's, but because they're cheesy and forced. (Also, I think the fact that you call people 'playa' might have something to do with it.)
 — Moose

What a nice moment.
 — quinn

um why is this not #1? 11 is a (pleasant) surprise. thank you for letting the woman drive.
 — unknown

Oh, I really like this one. A perfect little window into a good moment. Thank you.
 — unknown

It's just so cute...brings back memories...
 — manstrut

mmmm. perfect.
 — Cella

I remember reading a poem like this once that was posted at the top of a bus... for this "poetry on the transit" free service thing. It was all about stopping at a traffic light, written from a woman's perspective as her spouse drove, all the motions.. him moving the clutch past her knee, etc. This reminds me of it- almost like it's the male's perspective of the same poem...

Should lines 9 - 10 have quotation marks around them theoretically, since they're being spoken?

I like the description of the intertwined branches turning roads into tunnels...

Though I'm not so sure I like the ending of this... the last 3 lines don't seem to fit... sort of awkward. But the idea of coming to a stop and then driving off (the red light, then green) make a nice juxtaposition, and gives a nice clear and definite start and finish to this piece that I like.
 — Inuki

That makes ME smile, 9/10.
 — unknown

i want a poem because it is my homework and my teacher said it has to be 8 lined
 — unknown

Gnormal, Aforbing and Rafter, all in one poem comment string.

I'm in paradise.

Oh, and I like the poem.  Now I just have to figure it out a bit.
 — Isabelle5

Brrroom.
 — unknown

A nice poem, it leaves me feeling slightly empty but not quite sure where to comment, as a whole I suppose it's just...what it is, take or leave it. Like reading an average essay--average to say it's good but nothing you'll remember, one of those ninety papers, close to the A, but not quite making it...fleh, speaking of I've got another two stacks left to grade
 — unknown

i liked the imagery of 9-10
as well as the point of entry at lines 14-15

it left me feeling empty as well; nothing positive or negative about the emptiness, just emptiness in its purest form, which is a nice feeling at times
 — LucyMidnight

awesome poem
well done
 — unknown

Maybe I don't get the metaphor, but somehow this poem conjours an image of a crisp fall day, and a convertable next to a sedan or SUV..
 — Jakle1111

very tightly written. very good flow. loving this!
 — SweetPain

All I can think of is hand and head um jobs....have to read it a few times to make it make sense to me but I like it after all.
 — unknown

I loved this.
 — Gabriella

I love this! This popped up randomly, its so lovely!
 — warsager

Nice progression from section to section.
The narrative is gentle and unassuming, the language soft on the imagination.
Intertwined seemed out of sorts for the prevalent mood at that point in the poem.
Everything seems to build to l12, which I found to be the most impactful line of the poem. A nice fade away triplet to wrap the poem up.
Well communicated scene/feeling.
 — unknown

i'm down
memory lane.
favorite.
 — fractalcore

Very nice; I love the ending- very concise. I agree that this is a little prosy, but Its representing conversation so it sort of works that way.
 — bbucsis

just revisiting.

...beautiful...
: )
 — fractalcore

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 — yaoxuemei

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