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he said to write a love poem
tragicbubble

slam poem, excuse the length

but this feeling is liquid like the red
 1
of blood oranges,
 2
and I can’t explain it because I can’t wrap my mind
 3
around what’s
 4
sunk into the citrus floor of my skin,
 5
and it’s like sediment settled there at the bottom.
 6
 
 
And this is an accidental fascination,
 7
one that causes my fingers to shake,
 8
desperate to erase the drowsy
 9
dark weight of you and me,
 10
but it’s so intoxicating that crush of tangerine
 11
that bursts between those same fingertips.
 12
 
 
So it’s an orange explosion of wings from my stomach
 13
out through my back when your eyes follow me across the
 14
floor and I can do nothing to break the gaze that traces me
 15
so I step, and step, and step away,
 16
backing up and trying to fend off
 17
the feelings under the lashes of your eyes that
 18
I’m not sure are real or imagined,
 19
 
 
because its such a dangerous emotion
 20
that is spurned by that same dark look in your eyes
 21
an emotion that has
 22
taken root like green vines in blue vein form
 23
along base of my hearts walls,
 24
suffocating me but providing oxygen,
 25
life through red blood cells and touch,
 26
a kind of touch that rushes to
 27
explode on top of
 28
lips that blush with the anticipated kiss
 29
but unexpected crush of lips,
 30
and it makes me dizzy from the burst in it.
 31
 
 
And that dizzy is the kind of dizzy that floods
 32
my head till I can’t think straight without seeing double and its
 33
the kind of dizzy that saturates the space after  
 34
blood is drained from veins, and
 35
the kind of dizzy that creeps over my eyes in dark fingertips
 36
when I stand up too fast,
 37
the kind of dizzy that explodes across skin, taking dizzy
 38
to a whole new, soul consuming level that happens only
 39
with you!
 40
 
 
and with you, touch causes
 41
the orange wings of butterflies in my stomach to
 42
crash in a frenzied flurry of static stress,
 43
till they drop from shock and
 44
when air is sucked in sweet to revive those bright fallen beings,
 45
the oxygen bites hard against my throat,
 46
and pulls you in close too, till
 47
it’s just that final breathe between us,
 48
that final thin line that marks the stretch of just how
 49
close you’ll come before you, too, step away,
 50
and just how quick that single citric breath could bring
 51
you that much closer, and I’m so tempted to
 52
step and fill the space myself but I have resist
 53
 
 
because what happens if I let happen, that one
 54
bitter and sweet, intangible yet tangible, tangle of lips?
 55

28 Feb 05

Rated 5 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 6
Inactive (26): 1, 2, 5, 5, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

I could picture everything you were saying as I closed my eyes to imagine your heart and the warmness of it.  It's almost like a first kiss..........or is it?  I wonder sometimes to myself is it real when a person makes us feel this way.  For it does feel good, but at the same time does it last.........?  I think not.  I love your words
great job
 — deepcover

this makes me feel so good!! i love it!
 — Lillythepoo

Because of my writing style, I would be booed off of a slam stage, so take my advice carefully if at all.

I would not like this as a poem, but as a performance piece you can sell it if you're a performer.  You've created a mood that anyone who has experienced insane lust can relate to.

I don't like to use the word "love" in a love/lust poem.  I think that, even in a slam gig, avoiding the obvious words will serve you well.

It wouldn't be right for me to rate this; see first comment.  Break a leg!
 — housepoppy

AHHH You captured the feeling that i didnt know could be captured at all. Im serious, i've felt this way and tried so many times to relive it through words. But it was impossiable to me. And you did it so impressivly. I can really feel it through your words. And the metaphors you use are very affective. Wonderful Job! (10)
 — Delicatelie

i didnt much care for the 5th stanza because it said "dizzy" too much, but i suppose there's a good reason for it. other than that, i thought this poem was perfect. the picture you painted was amazing and every sentence is so touching.
i give it a 10.
 — SpunHeart

lines 11-12 are absolutely orgasmic!!!  this so hits the nail on the with sexual tension, you have no idea.  i'm adding this to my favorites!!  beautiful job!
 — sassybnyss

I love all the "orange" stuff in the poem
 — orange

wonderful job of capturing all those feelings!
do you mean "breath"  for lines 46 and 49?--'cause "breathe" kind of threw me off...
you've done such a wonderful job of pulling this out of the cliche realm of lovey dovey crap that the last line is almost anti-climatic. is there some other version of a kiss you could slip in there which would give the same connotation?  bittersweet just seems too run-of-the-mill, especially since you have all this fruit stuff throughout, you know?
L 11 and 27 you used "crush," which though i agree in your application of both, i think as a reader when you get to the second "crush" used in a slightly different way, the poem drops off a little.
dizzy does become repetetive...i know it's not really slam-style or anything, but maybe work it in as a refrain somehow instead, considering the effect your going for???
by the way, fabulous. i never cuold have pulled this off.
 — gem_grrrl

because what happens if I let happen, that one
52
bittersweet kiss?
53

I don't know, yoda, I don't know.
 — noneisreal

It's better when you are drowning your sorrow in liquid confidence
 — Bitterman

i can only say one word: amazing
 — TearDrop

Wow. Amazing.

:)
 — misspanda

its good, but maybe too much...
L51... shouldn't it read "step and fill the space myself but I have resisted" or "I must resist"
nice work none the less
 — green_book

Never apologize for length.  If someone criticizes you for length put a boot in their ass.
 — slobhero

q
 — unknown

awesome, absolutely love it.   (i agree- stanza 5 made me dizzy) otherwise, amazing!
 — unknown

omg that is really well done, i like reading stories espesially when i can relate... but don't we all???
 — unknown

Wow! Your words stung me. It felt like i understand what you were talking about and yet i  was lost in the sea of your mind. Excellent!
 — SunsetSonata

I like the poem but the thing is just to long and I really don't like reading long peoms but I like writing long poem so I like it.
 — unknown

you blow
 — unknown

very deep and i love it .....great job and has soo much feeling too it  its like you want everyone too feel it with you and that makes it a great poem!!
 — unknown

I love the vivid colors that you're bringing to mind, man.  Way to go.
 — midare

L33 its = it's

beautiful imagery. i love it.
 — twinkies4yoo

Mrs. Machaugh this is my favorite poem lol....
 — unknown

L48 should be breath* not breathe

Stanza five is my favorite, I can hear it getting faster and faster and then slowing dramatically in stanza six.  But perhaps that's just me reading it.

I would love to hear this, gah!...

Anyway.
Great job.
 — MEB

I have seen this performed and the computer screen doesn't give it justice
 — krookedsk8r

HUMM I DON'T GET IT,,SHOULD I ?:S
 — unknown

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