poetry critical

online poetry workshop

he said to write a love poem

slam poem, excuse the length

but this feeling is liquid like the red
of blood oranges,
and I can’t explain it because I can’t wrap my mind
around what’s
sunk into the citrus floor of my skin,
and it’s like sediment settled there at the bottom.
And this is an accidental fascination,
one that causes my fingers to shake,
desperate to erase the drowsy
dark weight of you and me,
but it’s so intoxicating that crush of tangerine
that bursts between those same fingertips.
So it’s an orange explosion of wings from my stomach
out through my back when your eyes follow me across the
floor and I can do nothing to break the gaze that traces me
so I step, and step, and step away,
backing up and trying to fend off
the feelings under the lashes of your eyes that
I’m not sure are real or imagined,
because its such a dangerous emotion
that is spurned by that same dark look in your eyes
an emotion that has
taken root like green vines in blue vein form
along base of my hearts walls,
suffocating me but providing oxygen,
life through red blood cells and touch,
a kind of touch that rushes to
explode on top of
lips that blush with the anticipated kiss
but unexpected crush of lips,
and it makes me dizzy from the burst in it.
And that dizzy is the kind of dizzy that floods
my head till I can’t think straight without seeing double and its
the kind of dizzy that saturates the space after  
blood is drained from veins, and
the kind of dizzy that creeps over my eyes in dark fingertips
when I stand up too fast,
the kind of dizzy that explodes across skin, taking dizzy
to a whole new, soul consuming level that happens only
with you!
and with you, touch causes
the orange wings of butterflies in my stomach to
crash in a frenzied flurry of static stress,
till they drop from shock and
when air is sucked in sweet to revive those bright fallen beings,
the oxygen bites hard against my throat,
and pulls you in close too, till
it’s just that final breathe between us,
that final thin line that marks the stretch of just how
close you’ll come before you, too, step away,
and just how quick that single citric breath could bring
you that much closer, and I’m so tempted to
step and fill the space myself but I have resist
because what happens if I let happen, that one
bitter and sweet, intangible yet tangible, tangle of lips?

28 Feb 05

Rated 5 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 5
Inactive (26): 1, 2, 5, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(46 more poems by this author)

(14 users consider this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


I could picture everything you were saying as I closed my eyes to imagine your heart and the warmness of it.  It's almost like a first kiss..........or is it?  I wonder sometimes to myself is it real when a person makes us feel this way.  For it does feel good, but at the same time does it last.........?  I think not.  I love your words
great job
 — deepcover

this makes me feel so good!! i love it!
 — Lillythepoo

Because of my writing style, I would be booed off of a slam stage, so take my advice carefully if at all.

I would not like this as a poem, but as a performance piece you can sell it if you're a performer.  You've created a mood that anyone who has experienced insane lust can relate to.

I don't like to use the word "love" in a love/lust poem.  I think that, even in a slam gig, avoiding the obvious words will serve you well.

It wouldn't be right for me to rate this; see first comment.  Break a leg!
 — housepoppy

AHHH You captured the feeling that i didnt know could be captured at all. Im serious, i've felt this way and tried so many times to relive it through words. But it was impossiable to me. And you did it so impressivly. I can really feel it through your words. And the metaphors you use are very affective. Wonderful Job! (10)
 — Delicatelie

i didnt much care for the 5th stanza because it said "dizzy" too much, but i suppose there's a good reason for it. other than that, i thought this poem was perfect. the picture you painted was amazing and every sentence is so touching.
i give it a 10.
 — SpunHeart

lines 11-12 are absolutely orgasmic!!!  this so hits the nail on the with sexual tension, you have no idea.  i'm adding this to my favorites!!  beautiful job!
 — sassybnyss

I love all the "orange" stuff in the poem
 — orange

wonderful job of capturing all those feelings!
do you mean "breath"  for lines 46 and 49?--'cause "breathe" kind of threw me off...
you've done such a wonderful job of pulling this out of the cliche realm of lovey dovey crap that the last line is almost anti-climatic. is there some other version of a kiss you could slip in there which would give the same connotation?  bittersweet just seems too run-of-the-mill, especially since you have all this fruit stuff throughout, you know?
L 11 and 27 you used "crush," which though i agree in your application of both, i think as a reader when you get to the second "crush" used in a slightly different way, the poem drops off a little.
dizzy does become repetetive...i know it's not really slam-style or anything, but maybe work it in as a refrain somehow instead, considering the effect your going for???
by the way, fabulous. i never cuold have pulled this off.
 — gem_grrrl

because what happens if I let happen, that one
bittersweet kiss?

I don't know, yoda, I don't know.
 — noneisreal

It's better when you are drowning your sorrow in liquid confidence
 — Bitterman

i can only say one word: amazing
 — TearDrop

Wow. Amazing.

 — misspanda

its good, but maybe too much...
L51... shouldn't it read "step and fill the space myself but I have resisted" or "I must resist"
nice work none the less
 — green_book

Never apologize for length.  If someone criticizes you for length put a boot in their ass.
 — slobhero

 — unknown

awesome, absolutely love it.   (i agree- stanza 5 made me dizzy) otherwise, amazing!
 — unknown

omg that is really well done, i like reading stories espesially when i can relate... but don't we all???
 — unknown

Wow! Your words stung me. It felt like i understand what you were talking about and yet i  was lost in the sea of your mind. Excellent!
 — SunsetSonata

I like the poem but the thing is just to long and I really don't like reading long peoms but I like writing long poem so I like it.
 — unknown

you blow
 — unknown

very deep and i love it .....great job and has soo much feeling too it  its like you want everyone too feel it with you and that makes it a great poem!!
 — unknown

I love the vivid colors that you're bringing to mind, man.  Way to go.
 — midare

L33 its = it's

beautiful imagery. i love it.
 — twinkies4yoo

Mrs. Machaugh this is my favorite poem lol....
 — unknown

L48 should be breath* not breathe

Stanza five is my favorite, I can hear it getting faster and faster and then slowing dramatically in stanza six.  But perhaps that's just me reading it.

I would love to hear this, gah!...

Great job.
 — MEB

I have seen this performed and the computer screen doesn't give it justice
 — krookedsk8r

 — unknown