poetry critical

online poetry workshop


For my grown up left home daughter

Do you remember that day
when stars tumbled
onto a glittering stone strewn path
beneath our feet
and we charted the route to Orion
through your first tentative steps
that took us laughing,
all the way home.

8 Mar 05

Rated 8.7 (7.8) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10, 10
Inactive (79): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 3, 3, 4, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 6, 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(1012 more poems by this author)

(27 users consider this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha



the whole (!) short circuited me or something. i think i just died.

oh nevermind.

i think my pulse is back to normal now.

that header. splutter.
should contain less dad for daughter stuff

for a minute there i thought it was from my dad to me

and i wasnt prepared

so umm now im suffering from post traumatic syndrome, and couldn't begin to remember what the poem was about, to be able to tell you whether it was good or not.

and when i remember my password im scorin 10 anyway

what a rush.
if im lucky i wont remember it tommorow, and be able to experience it all over again.
 — unknown

It is a real rush to see a father write with such heart and feeling about his grown daughter. it is a beautiful path - up the ladder to the stars.
 — unknown

Dear Ist. Unknown

This is one of the nicest replies i've ever had-Larry loves you

Larry Feel it Lark
 — larrylark

loverly. thank you, larry.

 — unknown

see how nice i can be when i'm not thinking about it. love you back larry. be my dad.

ps: unfortunately i wasn't shocked speechless 2nd time round, it seems my memory is more robust than i believed.

i could read the poem today however and i like it
 — kaleidazcope

'i could read the poem today however and i like it'...and this is a level of critique...lol

I like your poem too
 — unknown

it's not a level of critique.
 — unknown

Dear Kaleidazcope

I think i've done my share of dadding bringing up two girls and in the process of bringing up two boys which sometimes makes you feel a little bit crazy.I will however be your spiritual long distance dad if you like.

Larry Hands across the airwaves Lark
 — unknown

I like it.
 — unknown

Dear Noodleman,

I appreciate your appreciation
 — larrylark

Creative and thoughtful, I approve.
 — Bitterman

 — meth_angel

Dear Bitterman

I appreciate your liking of this poem which i have been trying to write and get right for the 19 years since what is described in this poem took place. Hope you can get an angle on my barely coherent ramblings
 — larrylark

Dear Bitterman

Don't be bitter,lifes too short.Thanks for the comment ,its much appreciated

Larry mild or should that read wild Lark
 — larrylark

Dear Meth Angel

Thank you

 — larrylark

AAAwwww.  how freakin cute is that?
 — themolly

Dear TheMolly

Not as cute as my frikin' daughter

Larry love makes the world go round Lark
 — larrylark

Simple, pretty and sweet! Says a lot in a few words. Not overdone or soppy. Does what it intends to do and does it well! They grow up all too quickly don't they!
 — wamblicante

do you remember that day
when your stomach rumbled
on a piss stained path
beneath our feet
and we farted onions
and tentatively belched
that made us run away from each other
all the way home

 — unknown

oh.... I'm speechless. That's really sweet, oh  how I wish I had a father like you.
 — Gabriella

Dear Gabriella

Oh no you don't  

 — unknown

It makes me think of little girls with bows in their hair, ice cream smiles and music boxes. And it makes me think of my dad, and being six with ice cream smiles and music boxes, and shopping expeditions and swings around his shoulders.

Thank you.
 — silhouetted

Dear Silouhetted

If you could see her now all grown up living the good life with her friends in Manchester.

Larry time blown Lark
 — unknown

I would give you a 10, but I think some punctuation/presentation could use some work. Maybe a few line breaks. When you read this poem, how does it read to you? Do you pause anywhere? Speak softer in any lines? Try and get that across in the spacing/line breaks.
 — Leigh

Dear Leigh

thanks for the advice . I will look at the punctuation carefully in the light of your comments. This is a bit of a coincidence cus yesterdsy i went down to check out a new shop in the vicinity called Pause and bought a kilo of apostrophe's 100 gramms of  semi colons andthirty full stops (Buy one get one free).

 — unknown

cornered the sentiment market
 — unknown

Dear Unknown,

Nothing wrong with sentimentality,that is unless of course you are bitter and twisted.
 — larrylark

very good enough, this is.
 — noodleman

oh quite well done and tres cute!
 — tragicbubble

Dear Noodleman

if its good enough for you then its good enough

 — unknown

Orion is making his rounds tonight, obviously...
 — LauraLea2

I read something recently that I thought you'd enjoy.

"Our goal is to produce kids who can emotionally leave home, kids who can come to love somebody else more than they love their parents."  That's a wise and mature statement.
 — john

Real simple...but touching.  I didnt really like it at first (just cause I didnt, I dont know why), but now that I have come back and re-read it, I like it.  Quality stuff.
 — SaleenDriva

Dear John

You have just put into words my philosophy regarding bringing up children plus she's coming home tomorrow for Father's Day with another of her totally unexpected whacko gifts.

 — unknown

sentimentality always wins on this site. its cute but not worthy of being top rated. now i know why air supply were loved.
 — unknown

do u remember that day
when my fingers fumbled
into your glittering panties
i pulled beneath your feet
and we charted the route
to your first
tentative orgasm
that took us quarreling
all the way home
 — unknown

Dear unknown 2, your reply made me laugh aloud, what a hoot - it's so vivid so real, so sexy, go on - bang it on the board.

 — unknown

dont encourage me larry

unknown 1 and 2
 — unknown

you have penis'
 — unknown

 — unknown

Dear unknown

Go on put it on ,you know it makes sense.I implore you. Why i guess i might give it a 7 it the coffe brews up good and there's a cool breeze blowing in from Wigan.

Larry loves everybody Lark
 — unknown

now this s poem, a gret poem
 — Odin

nice poem. a favorite.
 — hank

do u remember that day
when my stomach rumbled
and the contents were strewn
beneath our feet
and we farted all the way to Ohio
despite loosening our belts
that took us suffocating
all the way home

 — unknown

this is so sweet!  beautiful images...
 — woman_power

thanks for reminding me why i come back here every day.
 — midare

Yearning.  The yearning is felt in this poem.  For a short, it is remarkably complete, but would like to know more about why you're remembering.
 — cynthmala


As previously explained, I've been trying to write this poem for 20 years and we all have many poems like that. I remember that bleak February day like it was yesterday,when I took my daughter out walking for the first time in the park. As any parent knows, this feels like a miracle and Sophie walked about 20 metres in half an hour, in between scrutinising the late winter sunkissed pebbles and stones that formed the gravel of the path. It was a moment of profound feeling and affects me to this day. It's like seeing the world from a different position for the first time,

 — unknown

you're begging the question without a question mark!
 — unknown

 — BoundFeet

Hi Larrylark,

Do you remember that day when stars tumbled onto a glittering stone strewn path beneath our feet and we charted the route to Orion through your first tentative steps
that took us laughing, all the way home.

You may find this a strange question why would you chart a route to Orion.

Turtle Wax.
 — unknown

very nice poem.....i like it alot....
 — GoThIcSlUt69

Had to read this over several days to get the sense of the daughter and the personal moment.  Nice
 — Isabelle5

We parents have those treasures, don't we?  
 — unknown

I don't understand this particular piece. Most babies don't remember their first step. Personally, I began retaining experience at age 4. A friend of mine recalls to this day his first words, and claims to have memory from 2 months of age. But that phenomenon is uncommon in the dire sense of the meaning. I 'spose I can understand the reminiscent parental aspect of this...and I'm no parent, I'm a
Gemini, so I too have unique talents.

You're from Manchester, NH? I just recently moved in with my girlfriend here. Nice place. Vermont is ethereallly stunning, however. Love the clouds hanging over the mountains half a football field above your car, hugging and caressing every peak and the lonesome space in the valleys. It's growing on me.
 — Eschatologic

words simply put that can only be spoken by a mother
 — Lillythepoo

oops, didnt realze it was from a dad, well, you must be really close to your daughter and love her very much to come across as a mom! :)
 — Lillythepoo

Dear Eschatologic,

It is the first time he took his daughter to walk in the park
i should know i was there
 — fashionfad

made me smile larry the dad lark ... thanks!
 — asklepios

a piece of beauty.
 — listen

who is this poem about?
i think that its sweet!
 — big_freak

Hi big freak

Its about my daughter .If you look back through my replies there is an explanation
 — larrylark

:)......I am ver happy when I read this poem.
 — schotsy

Dear Schotsy

If your happy then i'm happy

Larry happy Lark
 — larrylark

written well. you write well. nice poem.
 — varun

"Sophie" is the prettiest of pretty names.
 — unknown

Dear Varun

Thanks for the complement.

 — larrylark

well done mate.like it
 — tony

it bugs me that this poem is a question..."do you remember?" yet ends in a period. also, it just leaves me wanting more.
 — Xiada

I like this alot <33
 — forevergone

Wow! I remember loads from when I was a baby! Really cute poem!
 — Lulu

I would have to disagree with you, unknown. The imagery is good.
 — Hear

very nice. nothing groundbreaking (at least for me) but nicely done.
 — Ewan

it's pretty
 — delfinkay

I'm sorry I just don't feel the love....
 — Charlie

it brings tears to my eyes.
favorite and I'll have to show this to my dad.
 — unknown

Dear Charlie

Don't worry for what is love but merely illusion
 — larrylark

have to say, one of the best i've read. not just on the site.
glad to see it back up again.

 — unknown

 — unknown

Such simplicity, such an achievement, in print, in life.
 — tanamac

Dear Tanamac

Flattery will get you everywhere.

Larry suseptible Lark
 — larrylark

The comma at the end of 7 is not necessary.

I suspect that you have intentionally not used a question mark, and, as it’s a rhetorical question, I don’t think that one is necessary, but I think a question mark would be an exclamation mark on the poignancy of this poem.
 — wily

very nice.
 — uncjaf

 — unknown

lovely. how nice to find erato in a loved one like you did. simple piece with great metaphor

thank you

 — ilenelush

This is simple and beautiful.
 — dia

very good poem
 — stout

Dear Uncjaf,

I am impressed by you vast knowledge of grammer.

Larry commatoes Lark
 — larrylark

ahhhhh. cute.
 — bohemian

Hi Bohemian

cute is my middle name

Larry cute Lark
 — larrylark

Larry this is touching. I always find it sexy if masculinity is softened. hehehe *winks* I really adore this. Your words paint it perfectly.
 — unknown


      ( bohemian )
 — bohemian

i read this so long ago but remember it so well. very nice.
 — listen

Hi Bohemian

I try to keep my feminine side under control so i wear the false beard moustache and dress indoors.

Larry confused Lark
 — larrylark

Beautiful Larry , how old is she now ? .
 — unknown

Hi Unknown

She's 22 and living the high life in the beautiful and culture stuffed city of Manchester but shw always comes home every few weeks.

Larry sands of time Lark
 — larrylark

Thanks Larry .
 — sir_I_clan

what i mean is, i find it sweet, cute, and sexy for a guy in a real bonding with his kid. often makes me smile and say  "aaaaaahhhh, that's cute"
 — bohemian

I was going to say I stumbled on the word "tentative," that it seemed more flowing for a two-syllable word (shaky, unsure, wobbly-- or even a three-syllable one, tottery), but then I read it again, and realized my stumbling over the word could be just the point.

Well done.
 — innominate

Dear Bohemian,

We bonded so good i can't refuse her anything and she sure does empty my pockets

Larry poorest richest man in Lancashire Lark
 — larrylark

21 people found this to be a favorite so far, and there's so little here. They must see something I am missing. It is rather simplistic, but I don't think that equates good. I didn't get a warm feeling after reading this. Or a sad feeling. And I didn't even become nostalgic. I'm missing something. 7/10
 — Henry

Dear Henry

I always wondered why you sounded like a cactus shrivelling in a dust bowl. Do you not feel yourself shrivelling away?
 — unknown

Just came across this again - simple serenity
 — dia

Wow, this is really moving. My own daughter is growing up so fast, it seems a whir, and I condemn myself often for not paying as much attention to her as I should.

You've done something I've always believed poetry should do and that is to be a personal "slice of life," a glimpse into the life of the poet but also into the universal. I have nothing but admiration for the beautiful simplicity evoked here. Well done.
 — blee73

this made me cry. thankyou.
 — DeformedLion

simple, classy, short and to the point
 — unknown

If I could stay at home and tell my parents how much I appreciate them instead of talking on the phone and moving out, to spare them these moments, sometimes I think I would.  Beautiful poem.
 — sherains

 — unknown

love it
 — kymberley

 — unknown

This is awesome, very moving. Good job!
 — crazy

did those happen to be wandering stars a long time ago that have been alive ever since
 — chuckle_s

My only critique is that it needs a question mark at the end.
 — elodious

No question, we arrived home
 — larrylark

Simple, sweet.
I wish my mother would remember things like this.
 — aurelius

Or my Dad.  Hahaha sorry larry
 — aurelius

Dear aurelius

Your Dad is obviously burdened with the trivialities that make up busy lives so don't be too hard on him

Larry soothsayer Lark
 — larrylark

It amazes how anyone can give this a one
Thanks Larry.
 — sir_I_clan

They can one away to their discontented hearts content sir I clan, it does not alter the poem in any way shape or form.

Larry the one lark
 — larrylark

I agree with 'Henry.' I also think that I am missing something here becuase it is too simple. This provoked no feeling in me either.

Thats cus your under age and Henry's a juvenile delinquent mascarading as a poetry buff.

Larry in his own write Lark
 — larrylark

So much said with so few words--this is a gem of a poem.
 — PaulS

How did I miss this one Larry?  It's beautiful and it smells like baby powder.  :-)  xoxo Starr
 — starr

Hi starr

You missed it cus i've been saving it up for you for the past 4 years

Larry star gazer Lark
 — larrylark

i no read previ crit. i no get this. i no get this because maybe you the author laugh at first tentatives. but young child taking first tentatives no laugh. young baby learning first step waddle waddle no laugh even though seems cutesy to adult. thi sfirst step is moon armstrong lunar learning scary step. baby no laugh. baby smile half. half cream scarey. no laugh. so pronoun used is no good. not us. but I. cause philosoph no laugh at first step. eager eager. to be eagle. no bald. but bold. get it?

so go on. and remember rememberings of tentativies tentacalled in cliche that not think what real and what stealing. but only peeling out with egocentricities of nostalgebras.

first steps. tentatives. not relatives.


no. i see. not.

thank you

my name is . . . Had None
 — unknown

Thank you for your extremely imformative and incisive crit my friend which i will treasure till it leaves my mind

Larry unknown Lark
 — larrylark

Awesome poem, shades of Brian Patten in his Cavern Club days
 — Caducus

Hi cadacus

Flattery will get you everywhere. My daughter Sophie sends fond regards from her elegant apartment where she gazes over the city scape of Manchester at the twinkling stars and barely thinks of me at all, except when she runs short of cash.

Larry still looking at the same stars Lark
 — larrylark

i saw this thing called the TED conference, it has its own YouTube channel check it out
theres a segment called cute, sexy, funny or somthin to that effect but its interestin cause it talks about how its just hardwiring in our brains that make us think babies are cute, 'cause duh we have to or we wouldn't nuture 'em
so write a poem about a ugly baby larry
 — unknown

DEar Unknown

I can't as i am programmed to see all babies as beautiful gifts left by fairies under a mulberry bush

Larry away with them Lark
 — larrylark

I wonder if that is the same Sophie I met in the Wacky Warehouse the other night, I can’t see her ever being hard up, she never bought a drink all night, seems as though she takes after her Dad.
 — unknown

This sentiment is lovely - more work is needed though. The opening line is one I've read a thousand times, and the whole poem is just a question without a question mark.  Tease it out. Give us more.
 — WordsAndMe

Hmm - words and me might be onto something...maybe a father providing a statement at their parting, rather than a nostalgic remembrance (which seems more appropriate at a union, not a departure) might work here? Don't forget that day...
 — Cocoa

This is a really lovely poem, btw.
 — Cocoa

Dear unknown

I am glad your infantile mind gets so much pleasure from visiting wacky warehouse and buying my daughter drinks. Later she said what a slime ball you were and how everyone removed their kids from the activities when you dived in but I'm prepared to forgive you

Larry in pontificational pray for our souls and even the most damned need to be uplifted so they son't singe their bottoms on hells furnace lark  
 — larrylark

dear Words etc.

More is often less

Larry less Lark
 — larrylark

dear Cocoa

Even i don't know what it means so you could be right

Larry dunno Lark
 — larrylark

Came back for a second read. I have faith you're capable of much more than this - less is often more, but here - its falling so short.
 — WordsAndMe

simple writing, organised in basic lines, conveying one step to the next in easy rhythms and concepts. the trouble with such personal pieces is that no matter how you write them, they remain personal, and not accessible to the reader.
you transcend this problem by including the writers greatest device: the ordinary and the extraordinary as one. the linguistic version of magic, as exampled in line five.
this makes your poem far more than a static memory in a family photo album.
 — unknown

Well i guess it was written before i became brilliant

Larry improver Lark
 — larrylark

I guess life is both extraordinary and ordinary all at the same time

Larry ordinary Lark
 — larrylark

Yay Sophie before they dragged her blotto out of Wacky’s said her dad was an old dosser (it might have been tosser) from Preston.
I wonder if that could have been you. She also said he wrote skimpy poems that mean nothing.
Which of course you never do do you? the pontifical always exaggerate their importance amongst the sinners.
 — unknown

The last line should finish with a question mark rather than a simple dot.
 — Fox

Dear Unknown

still roaming round in the land of blah all day looking for something useful to do but never finding it I see

Larry useless Lark
 — larrylark

But that is where we went on the dot after of course visiting wacky wharehouse and eating pineapple do nuts along with the other do nut
 — larrylark

I would greatly appreciate more replies particularly those that allow me to trade insults or enter into long winded excruciatingly boring tedious and prolonged acrimoniously sad exchanges, for Mr. Whack, the head of Whacky Wharehouse Inc. has promised to install a dough nut machine at the bottom of the slide if replies to this equally pointless ditty about taking roofs of wharehouses in order to see stars go beyond 200

Yours in anticipation

Larry slates in place Lark
 — larrylark

    larrrylark my man... O brave new world...  i am sure i have read this before, or maybe it was the one about a dad, his daughter and something... well it could have been the pizza i ate last night it's early now 3 am, have you released this beauty before... yours simple ton ... j.g. smiles   no this is a new one right ?
 — goeszon

its older than the hills my friend and my only wish is that it stopped getting revived
Larry blast from the past Lark
 — unknown

Touching, I have a grown up left home daughter as well.  I'm new to poetry and like some of poems and your honest critiques. I have two poems posted and would like some of your feed back. They're both about the Vietnam war, the titles are "Operation Taylor Common" & "Taking Chance" if you get a chance I'd appreciate your feedback. Thanks BxPR
 — BxPR

Still top quality.
 — dia

Larry Beautiful Lark
 — Empty

poetry is so not about sharing a feeling, because if it was, all of the author's feelings would be pouring out at once. i have a feeling the author isn't saying much about whatever's hiding under the bed.
 — trashpoodle