| Finger Tattoos
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Isabelle5
| Breathing again | 1 |
until next time, | 2 |
making finger tattoos | 3 |
on skin | 4 |
too young | 5 |
to hold | 6 |
my color | 7 |
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and so | 8 |
it bleeds | 9 |
into the spaces | 10 |
of time | 11 |
and distance | 12 |
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until, | 13 |
eventually, | 14 |
it will be gone, | 15 |
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though the | 16 |
energy | 17 |
remains | 18 |
to warm | 19 |
the man, | 20 |
remembering | 21 |
my hands | 22 |
raising | 23 |
hairs on his leg | 24 |
and pressing | 25 |
warm lips | 26 |
against | 27 |
cold bone. | 28 |
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17 Mar 05 |
Rated 9.5 (6.7) by 4 users.
Active (4): 8, 8, 9, 10
Inactive (15): 1, 1, 1, 4, 5, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(230 more poems by this author)
(3 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
raw and powerful. good work, isabelle.
noodleman
— unknown
N- wish you had an e-mail listed.
— Isabelle5
it is now :)
— noodleman
i'm figuring short lines to simulate breathing ... and the first three stanzas do that beautifully ... the beginning of the last stanza, though, seems to jerk and start, as though out of breath.... though the/energy/remains/to warm/the man ... those five lines seem harsh to me ... as i said, out of breath
i do love so much of this ... the first stanza melts silky in my mouth, like chocolate, as does the second and third ... and i'm still in love with raising the hairs on his leg ...
*o my* ... blushing again
— Bloodfetish
finger tatoos?
— unknown
The last stanza blew my hair back. Line breaks are very well done.
No complaints, no suggestions.
— housepoppy
more eyes need to see this.
— noodleman
I liked this. The only thing that I found distracting was the word 'the' in l16. Otherwise, this was well written and I didn't even mind the short lines (which I usually do).
— amy
this is beautiful. i really like the fact that you made it simple, and had the ability to make it work.
— unknown
Your poem was meant to be presented by me at an open mic
— john
Very powerful imagery gives a strong and vivid impression of the inpermanance of life and transitory nature of love.Great Poem
Larry pin prick Lark
— larrylark
i do really quite like raising men's hair.
good title. like it. nice poem. like it too.
— kaleidazcope
Hmmm, i didnt like it. This was something to... well i'd say boring. The most Ill give you is a 2. Try harder next time.
— Bandit
Bandit, you should try harder...at not being a fag
— unknown
I agree with noodles. Very good.
xx
— unknown
I hate to do this when you have so many compliments, but YUCK. I don't like it at all, hon. Change it.
— themolly
No. Don't change it. It's perfect.
— unknown
I guarantee, Bandit, if you were the guy whose leg was being kissed and having his hairs raised, you would be not be bored!
— unknown
that was Just so sweet...the comment ^, I mean;)
love thumps humper behind the maple tree and etches initals into hearts:o
— unknown
Isabelle, this has some real potential, and I'm rather instantly attracted to the idea of fingertip tattoos. Strophe 2 - "of time/and distance" does not belong to this work - that for some other poem, far less deserving of a fresh image.
Energy remains to warm the man...how about making us see the tattoo instead? imprints remain, adorn the bone, the roadwork beneath his flesh, scar his memory of my hands, the electric chill of hair on his body raising with thoughts of my lips...see what I mean? Don't tell, Is...show. I think that has soooo much potential. Revisit :)
— ka
i respectfully disagree. when telling is done sparely, sparsely, and blissfully beautifully, it makes for wonderful poetry. this lays out a framework that allows one to fill in the showing for oneself. the show don't tell rule, like any rule, can be broken, with outstanding results, by a talented writer.
i, myself, show too much and tell too little, probably, and i can learn loads from something like this.
sincerely,
noodleman
— unknown
I'm glad you're a fan of the work, and certainly, you're entitled to your opinion. I think this would be so much stronger a poem if it didn't jar with lines that are too pat and easy here and there. Telling doesn't fill out a work, imho. But there you go, just my opinion.
— ka
:D
— noodleman
La la la la la lo love it
— john
:O i like
— lai
Beautiful. Exquisitely beautiful.
Thank you for this, Isabelle.
— Meredith
eugh, this is gross.
— unknown
Okay, is it gross because I wrote it or because you really think it's gross? I'm very sick of unknown commenters who attack every single one of my poems and leave nothing helpful.
— Isabelle5
Stupid poem written by a stupid whore.
— unknown
i kinda love the first stanza, just on its own. the rest is beautiful, but nothing in the rest matches the power of that first assertion. I know this is a little older, and maybe you're not up for changing it anymore, but the first tattooing image is so great, I kinda wish you could bring it back at the end to tie everything up. gorgeous work here. and i try not to mind the uproductive and rude uknowns, but they really ought to go to hell.
— SteelAngel
yes.
— mousestmod
It's a bit old to change now, I don't hang out with the person at all anymore and once the intensity of the moments are gone, it's hard to back to find enough feeling to change the poem.
— Isabelle5
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