|Fuck the Deer
grasped for your hand,
a mountaineer falling from
while Tuesday frowned
from beneath tarantula
exhaled my soul in a
danced elegantly in the air
(like I used to).
It fled from my lips
the window of the ninth floor as a
only to have
its entrails splattered in
across some overwrought businessman’s
the oxygen I could never find
(before I met you).
23 Mar 05
Rated 9.3 (7.1) by 3 users.
Active (3): 9, 10, 10
Inactive (21): 1, 1, 1, 1, 3, 4, 6, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(30 more poems by this author)
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nice. (no sarcasm) i like this. except for the word 'like' too much. but i still like it.
i'm impressed with lines 5 & 6. it sounds like something i might say. though pants would undoubtably be involved.
i wouldn't however say, i exhaled my soul. nevertheless i don't object to it too much. doesn't your soul have a name you could use instead. soul is a weary word. one everyone uses. there is always another word. but it isn't as bad here as it could be.
the likes could be replaced with semi-colons or as's if neccessary. in some places. not all.
you have a good voice
Very cool metaphors. I like the last stanza.
Line 15-- awesome, awesome.
Lines 7-15 did it for me. Nice, nice, nice.
Whoa - who rated this a ten? ...I totally didn't think it was worth that. O_o"
Yeah I read this over again this morning, and realised there was -far- too many 'likes' all the way through. So I edited a bit and I'd be interested to see any further comments now.
kaleidazcope; I was hesitant at first to use the word 'soul', but was unable to find a more approprate word, or one that held as much significance. So I think I'll let it be for now, unless I think of something better or someone makes a good suggestion about it.
Thanks a lot for your comments and ratings, they are much appreciated.
This is great. Unusual and quirky take on love. It reads like fresh paint glittering under a mid day sun
Larry elixier Lark
how have i missed these poems for so long? these are good. i'm going through your whole list. oh boy oh boy!
i like it even more now.
lol - thank you all. And I'm glad you like the revisions, Hank. ^_^"
Wow. I could get lost in these metaphors.
I saw that you took out alot of the "like"s, but I think one place where it should have remained was at the beginning of line 2. Without it, I sort of stumbled at that part.
Also, the other things is that the stanzas seem to have a structure to them, with each of their first lines. Bit the 2nd stanza doesn't haev a word in front of "I." Perhaps one should go there? Then again, I could eb looking at it too hard...
the likes are a little distracting. There are many other words that convey similar meaning.
i can't really read this enough for some reason. really like it.
Silentscream; the structure of each of the first lines is like a progression. The first 'today' is something of an introduction, then the 'I' is the present, the 'then' is a conclusion. That probably made no sense. But I know what I mean. ^_^" ...I'll think about adding in that extra 'like', but as yet I'm not entirely sure about re-introducing it.
Themolly; hmm... I did take out the majority of the 'like's, I'm not exactly certain where else I could cut them down without using similar words twice. If you have any specific ideas regarding that, I'd be interested to see them.
Hank; thanks again, I'm glad you liked this one. =)
it's much better. good light edits.
Yeah I'm a bit happier with it now too. Comments helped a lot with the editting. If anyone has any more, I'd be interested to see them.
YES. Yes. Much tighter. Loving it.
i added this to my favourites cos i still love it
I'm glad you guys enjoyed it. ^^
i enjoyed it again.
...I've run out of different ways to so thank you. Lol. ^_^
*say, even. O_o
Ah. Nice. There is something which the line breaks could use to be more effective, but I'm not too bothered--I was rather caught up in liking this, especially line eight.
Thanks wendz. =) ...If you have any ideas about improving the line breaks, I'd take them into account.
And another thing, what happened to your poem Rainbow Fish? I really liked that one, then all of a sudden it disappeared...
Lol. I just realised I got two ones for this. Do I get an explanation with those, or were they just a result of random unjustified hatred? ^^
-_- Random, unjustified hatred, I'd put my money on.
I'll come back later with some line break thoughts.
During an emo patch, I deleted all of my old stuff,
I really regret old Rainbow Fish going down the drain. :(
i really dislike the title . REALLY the poem deserves a better naame ,It has more depth ,more significance than what is implied by the title
ROFL - can't believe this got onto the Top Rated list. Thanks to those who rated it, this is my first time on the list. ^^"
I'm sorry to hear that Wendz. But we all go through emo patches. I look forward to reading more of your new poetry. =)
Lodza; I'm not sure that you understand the significance of the current title. The 'Deer' is representative of a specific idea or dream for the future. Hence the phrase 'Fuck the Deer' is similar to 'Fuck that Idea', as in 'forget' it. The term 'fuck' was used because of the violent and provocative imagery it evokes, which suited my frame of mind at the time of composition. If you have any further comments, I would be interested to see them.
i understand your reasoning .I see the symbolism the deer represents.However ,humour me .I challenge you to find another forceful and volatile word that can express your emotions other than fuck .Fuck is too easy too generall for specific emotions
The idea was that 'fuck' -is- easy to use in place of other less... colourful words. It's supposed to represent a total disregard for the idea that's being discarded. Like something that someone would say after hours of profound contemplation, then realising that all of that was absolutely useless. It denotes the frustration and anger that was felt upon discovering that. I will consider your comment and attempt to find a better word, but I'm hesitant to change it.
ahh I see your point.If that was your purpose then Keep it . Qui sera sera and all that jazz. I have revised my opinion, been swayed by your argument ,I see your point . I say "Fuck the deer!"
lol - thanks for your comments, Lodza. =)
Hmm... I played around with the line breaks a bit. Can I get any thoughts on the alterations?
Hey I am back ! I bet that at this moment you're thinking " How many times do I have to flush before you go away!" Sorry irrevrent moment . I am focusing now . Yeah The line breaks . Ok I like the first stanza but I feel that in the second stanza you are mixing two separate issues of the same idea. In my opinion there should be a line break between line 17 and 18 . Although they are both about the smoke they seem to run onto each other neutralising the power of them as indvividual statements . It's one of those the some of parts is of much less value than the whole(or something).
Hmm... Lodza, I would consider breaking between L17 and 18, but I'm hesitating for two reasons. Firstly, because L18 - 27 does relate closely to L10 - 17. Secondly, because of the poem's layout, that is the 'introduction', 'present' and 'conclusion' concept which I discussed in an earlier comment. So I'll think on it, but as yet I'm not certain on making the alteration.
oakey dokey!(did i spell that right?)
cool fuck Poem.
lol - thanks Crepaway... I think... ^_^"
when i sign in, i'll rate it a 7*
Nice, again, lol, 7*
I doubt you will ever be a Poet Laureate using 'fuck' in your title?? Why did you do that? So that the readers will 'come look and see what filth is here, but then discover it is a mighty poem?" Shame on you for prostituting your work.
Dame Edna Everidge - a reader only
lol - I like that analogy. 'Prostituting my work'. Very nice.
As for becomming a Poet Laureate... That's not really my style. Tee hee.
The use of the word 'fuck' has been explained in earlier comments, I believe it was Lodza who commented on it first. To quote myself and save my early morning brain from over-exerting itself...
"The idea was that 'fuck' -is- easy to use in place of other less... colourful words. It's supposed to represent a total disregard for the idea that's being discarded. Like something that someone would say after hours of profound contemplation, then realising that all of that was absolutely useless. It denotes the frustration and anger that was felt upon discovering that."
Thanks a lot for your comments, I'm surprised this is still receiving them after all these months. To be honest, I never thought anyone would read this, let alone think it was good. ^_^"
i shall shoot you now
shouldave been a carrer person
like thos poem
real diggin it down down down
I LOVE this! All the way from the 9th floor too!
Thanks a lot Starr. =)
I love finding things like this in the random list.
What a great-ass poem, I really love it.
nothing to add constructively, just popped in to say, 'wow' . loved all of this. has the power of what it feels like. regards ani
lots of entrails
Cool and very intriguing poem. Well written with excellent form and line breaks. Interesting title too. Nice write.
i like the number 33.
i think i'm beginning to like deers, too.