| He doesn't even know she's disappearing
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Isabelle5
| He doesn’t even know she’s disappearing, | 1 |
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each question asked | 2 |
receiving the wrong answer, | 3 |
each visitor | 4 |
complicating their | 5 |
already rugged landscape, | 6 |
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sending detour signs | 7 |
painted in bright red | 8 |
to catch her eyes, | 9 |
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even as his words drip luscious, | 10 |
soft as lemon pie; | 11 |
hidden sour endings | 12 |
underneath sweet crème, | 13 |
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he doesn’t even know she’s disappearing. | 14 |
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Like meringue left out | 15 |
beneath a summer sun, | 16 |
she’s melting and the wasps are swarming | 17 |
round. | 18 |
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Stung by words and actions, | 19 |
evaporating underneath him | 20 |
as he reaches for the phone, | 21 |
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she doesn’t even know she’s disappearing. | 22 |
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5 Apr 05 |
Rated 8.7 (8.7) by 3 users.
Active (3): 8, 9
Inactive (13): 1, 4, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(274 more poems by this author)
(7 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
This is so sad.
Last line - she or he? It sounds appropriate with she as well.
Well done.
Sam xx
— unknown
Last line is she. Sometimes we women don't know how close we are to being gone until we get up and go, right? And the men don't seem to understand what sends us on our way.
— Isabelle5
he doesn't even know she is dissapearing. is one of those lines i wish i'd written. hmm.
the rest of the words are a little apple pie for me but work.
the drip pie lines don't work as well as i imagine they could, but nevermind
— kaleidazcope
mmm i like the similies (and i dont like the fact that i can't spell--GRRRRR) similes? similies? similes right?
ANYWAYS
i feel like lines 7-9 could be made more subtle without stating line 9. Did you mean to make the first sentence extend until line14? Because somewhere between those words I got lost. Particularly who's sending the detour signs, etc.
— cuishanying
so true isabelle. but not just men. there could be a broader interpretation.
what makes people dissapear. i tried to touch on it once but this does it better i feel
— kaleidazcope
I like this poem. But what of your poems could I not like.
— jusmat
I guess the first part of this is a rather long sentence but if you read it in bits, little bites, as though the woman is withdrawing a little at a time, it will fit. Line 9 is about the woman only, something that is a red flag warning her that she better take a detour quickly and leave this man. Kal - I took out the drip drip, changed it a bit, perhaps better now.
Thanks for all the comments and hints. Some poems are very personal and to spit out where they come from exactly would spoil the illusion we try to create.
Imagination!
— Isabelle5
Woof. This is powerful, IMC.
I really liked it a LOT!
My armhair stood up for it. (Now that's a good fucking poem!)
— aforbing
Holy shit Isabelle. This is going on my favorites. What a simple yet perfect line "she doesn't even know she's disappearing". 10- I guess I"m not alone....
— CantTell
this is beautiful ... though a couple of lines don't read quite right for me
5, 6 - rcommend changing to: complicating already/rugged landscape
16 - recommend "under a summer sun" (beneath makes is sound like the sun is sitting on the meringue)
loverly
— Bloodfetish
Oh my , I like this poem so much . Lines 10,11 ...wonderful . I think the last line is perfect.
— SharonH
Wicked poem, Isabelle. I like the references to the lemon merangue (spelled wrong I bet) and it gives me a metaphor from hornets to people. The only thing I'd do is remove 'even' from the repeated lines; it makes them sound...how to put it...too soon-thought of. I really can't explain it, but it's your call.
And about my "Black Plague", the intro you disliked was written directly after the poem, insuring that if someone thought it was crap was because it probably was. Glad you liked it, and I saw your point and adjusted it accordingly. (It usually takes me at least half an hour to write and fix up a poem before I put it up here. Even then, I let it incubate a couple days. But this was an instant instance.)
— FangzOfFire
Fanz, thanks for the comment. I was thinking along the lines of when we sigh and say, "You don't even know." Does that make more sense for have "even" in this?
— Isabelle5
It was very good one of my favorites!
— lollypop
You can taste it, smell it, see it, and feel it - quite nice.
— boothben
i love lines 10 and 11.. amazing
— sweetlemon
i kind of wish you had a different title. it seems that it should not be the first line. other than that the imagery is amazing!
— bear
I really really love this. I am going through this right now myself. Wow! A new one to add to my favs!
— ky_diva
How horribly sad and wonderfully written.
Wow.
Great job.
-Mary
— fallinforyou
Isa, I like the way you frame this, starting with a "he" in the first line and then moving on to "she" in the last, that was one of the most effective things about this poem
Wonderful work, I am only saddened it has taken me more than a year to discover this work of yours, I do hope you revisit and read the comments you have missed.
I have a few tense suggestions, may I, sweet lady?
I would change the whole first stanza to present tense, rather than present continuous with verb "to be" omitted
line 3 - receives the wrong answer
line 5 - complicated their
Somehow this makes the language and the tone a bit more firm, and more effective for me, also rhythmically it reads better (I think).
next three lines are wonderful, well done, isa
so you need "even" in line 10?
lines 11 - 13 - divine, I wish I had written them, but I am glad you did
the "left out" from line 15 I would put with line 16 for readability sake
like meringue
left out beneath a summer sun
she's melting and the wasps swarm (present tense)
round
line 19 - you can make this stronger, actions and words - what else can you say to evoke these two? Could she be stung by silence? The last stanza gets overly abstract and murky for me, evaporating undearneath him makes me think of sex but then again, this could just be me :-) and I am not sure that is the exit you want to end on.
I LOVE the last line
Good work, I am sorry I am being so picky, it is one of those morning, but all comments have been made in good spirit, you know that
Love
Maria
— slancho
wow
— unknown
Its one of those poems i wish i had written x
— roawr
a tragic erosion.
— unknown
thats so amazing i really love this. i like the last line as she i think that adds a whole new level to this poem
— silentspring
lovely in a dark way. very well written.
— brokenarrows
amazing
— Precious_W
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