poetry critical

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Idiot Standing Nearly Bare
Isabelle5

When we first met, you handed me a list,
 1
qualifications for your feminine ideal -
 2
 
 
checked off my height, my weight,
 3
considered me lucky to be a  contender
 4
for a place in your bed.
 5
 
 
You pointed out the things you
 6
thought were missing,
 7
such as racy underpinnings
 8
and a sense of decadence
 9
that might make me worth your time.
 10
 
 
I tried but I hate pretence,
 11
especially when it comes in
 12
matching sets named Victoria,
 13
 
 
besides, I cannot draw a straight black line
 14
in kohl and will not lick your body  
 15
where it is clearly marked "Exit."
 16
 
 
Looking back, I see it wasn't me
 17
who failed - my bustier was in place
 18
and I wore miserable heels
 19
the height of Webster’s dictionary,
 20
 
 
it was you, with a sneer you called a smile
 21
and if what is in your hand is
 22
the best you can come up with,
 23
 
 
next man I meet, I'll have
 24
a checklist (and a tape measure)
 25
of my own.
 26

8 Apr 05

Rated 10 (6.6) by 4 users.
Active (4): 10
Inactive (12): 1, 1, 1, 1, 3, 3, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

My back molars are loosening as I read this so I guess you have elicited an emotional response. I like. Not sure about the ending tho - I think it's the words 'self-uncontainment'. I would rather it be something edgier.

Sam
 — unknown

very very strong. this makes me quite sad; i can't tell you why, but it does. please continue to write.
 — noodleman

Yep. Edgier...I like even more.

Sam xx
 — unknown

this is awesome.  at first i thought it was about winning hearts, but i guess it was seduction.
 — sassybnyss

When I started reading this, I was thinking, man this has no point.  But when I got to the last four stanzas, it really hit me.  You did a really great job of disguising the intent for a twisty ending.  I like that.  I like the poem.
 — megabyte

Ouch.  This is excellent; very ragged to read.  I'd drop the last stanza, though... it's too much detail about the poetic voice's thought-process, distracts from the "message" of the first 29 lines.  "so I know I’m not dressed up/like an idiot/for nothing" would make a very strong ending.
 — mikkirat

caring is not enough. but there is always scaring. or scaredy cats.

platitudinous baldness
 — unknown

   oh my gosh! this is excellent!
 — enkantada

yeah, i agree, enkantada.
: )
 — fractalcore

wow, Isabelle5, good job.
; )
 — fractalcore

I'm going to have to come back and comment on this when I have more time--it is worthy of more than a quickly penned platitude.  One quick read stirred up a great deal in me--I will return and give this piece the attention it deserves when I have sorted through my thoughts.
 — sybarite

shelly winters, in Lolita -- as Mrs. Haze. the eternal 'dance with me' ego. the poem is really the last stanza -- that's the only honest part, and it's got to stand as poetry. this one slams down the words, but only after the voice of the author has backed itself into a corner. the ending is a lashing out, but so much stronger than the list of 'what he is' that is the rest of the poem, that it's in a different voice, but hasn't found a poem-form to contain it.

at least
turn around
and wave your dick
or something,
so's i'll know
i ain't dressed
up like a party-doll
for nothin'.
 — geckodrome

Hey, Tina Turner can do it, right?  So can't you!
 — unknown

This piece has a wonderfully strong voice--resonates of a woman who knows herself, is assertive and self-confident.  She's not afraid to let us see the little girl inside--the one in every woman, no matter how self-assured that just wants to be found pretty.  I enjoy how you reveal her in between the snap-shots of the strong woman who takes care of her.  

L12-15 are perfect--L15 in and of itself is an absolute gem--the capitalized Exit drives the point home.

The only place I stumbled was L22 and 23.  I think L22 sounds better, flows better without "on my feet"--it seems redundant.  L23--What about just "crotchless, black lace panties" or "black lace panties, crotchless, of course."

I'm on board with clmt, the title is a buy in.

Is this your work Isabelle5?
 — sybarite

It is my work and apparently still in progress, as I re-read it.  I see obvious places to change things.  Thanks for all the feedback.
 — Isabelle5

love has no agenda 'nor DarWINian expectations -- here you've gathered us to the modern plight that the dance of lies is wasted in the fight to be cool or right -- no need to be a sycophant for a sociopath, no, bend softly to the Sun and bloom your truest colours -- writeous write
 — AlchemiA

A sycophant to a sociopath!  HAHAHAHAHA!  I'm sure he would disagree but oh, what a fun description!  
 — Isabelle5

Ending unsatisfactory to my ear...I think there must have been a few changes/
I thought I picked your hand Isabelle and i would have been interested to see your original draft.  
For me the mood iat the end is too heavy for such a light weight guy...I don't want to suggest anything, you'll sort it out.  I will just stop reading after L19 as I do like that rather dismissive touch...
 — unknown

Okay, the slitherer came to hit me with 1's to knock me off the Top Rated.  I don't mind, it's nice to know someone goes to so much trouble all the time to manipulate things, isn't it?  
 — Isabelle5

I agree, though, reading it from the time distance, I'll make some changes soon.  
 — Isabelle5

I have totally revamped this, turned it around so I am not the idiot!  

If someone has the time to read it, please tell me if it's much better.  I think it is.
 — Isabelle5

Isabelle just to let you know as the last crit prior to your response I added a 10///the twit who gave this a 1  ... and had nothing to say whatever about the poem no doubt identified too much with the wanker... my advise would be to detatch from the comments after all the lowest common denominator is not an audience to aim for... relax a little - I would like a little more irony I think
 — unknown

Well starr looks like kenny/clmt/smalldick69/Mor has a grudge against us simple Poetry writers -- he needs some love obviously -- when someone gets poisonous in their words they are often suffering in other ways -- I recall reading a post of his in which he said he was bed-ridden with open sores from MRSA after a hospital operation for a hernia -- this does happen -- whether it is really happening to him is speculation considering his propensity to exaggerate -- so, I see words and patterns of outlook on life is often based on health/balance in the person -- of which he has some ailment affecting his disposition
 — AlchemiA

yes!

yes yes yes!!!

reminds me of the voice. sex in city type thing.

which is cool

sometimes though, one wants to drool. seriously drool.
I suppose this won't make sense.

as it should not.
 — unknown

Very well done, Isabelle.  Small typo in line one :)
 — PaulS

  *giggles*
 — themolly

Like the changes Isabelle--the new ending is a different twist and changes the perspective of this piece dramatically.  

I'm torn between this ending and the first one...something about idiots standing there--I think?
 — sybarite

Well, in the first poem, I was the only idiot.  In this version, we both have some blame - him for trying to wedge me in where I wasn't comfortable and me for letting him try.  I know I learned a lot, have no idea if he did or if he still has that mental checklist!  
 — Isabelle5

on the one hand . . .this is smoothly fantastic. entertaining and benevolent.

on the other hand it could sort of go hand in hand with the poem entitled "Fuck Israel"
in a backhanded, extreme sort of way

and that is all i was gonna say and so i said it
thank you and
 — unknown

Isa - don't feed the trolls and they will stop bothering you
 — technomancer

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