poetry critical

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[runscript] fucking run

she sways like hair
on the head of an anti-christ [/print][end_title]
[nextpage] pages flip &&^*$>
fingers turn [until blue]
through hidden diary e..n..t..r..y..s  [stopscript]
slightly revealed
   slightly purposefully [repeatline:slightly_reversed]
[tweekturnedfuckup] but without 110100100011101010
the purpose of a moth
she shows me love in a
  two page online piece of shit
^^^^^^#(#(([dialupsilenttalks]     /[endtalkssoon]
The computer is more competent
   than you will ever show  [endallfuckups]
like a man with a man
you with me [emailall: free popcorn in break room]
[%%%%%] [quote:]"I'm beginning to believe
everything he told me on the internet
was a lie."
like a man with a man [repeatfromabove]
you make me feel like a lie [break] [up]
Show me love in a bottle of vodka
and I'll show you the door
on your way home from nothing

4 Mar 02

Rated 7 (7.4) by 1 users.
Active (1): 2, 5, 6
Inactive (60): 1, 1, 1, 2, 3, 3, 3, 4, 4, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(56 more poems by this author)

(21 users consider this poem a favorite)

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techno-cummings? i like it
 — unknown

To much like hard work to be bothered with.
 — unknown

Doesn't seem to make a bit of sense. Interesting, but too ambiguous and technology-based to be something even vaguely poetic. Doesn't evoke enough emotion to have any lasting effect.
 — JeremyM

this actually provoked an unbelievable amount of emotion in me...the way you phrased each seperate comment works out perfectly. sorry i've no critisizm.
 — unknown

i'm intrigued. i'd like to read more!
 — unknown

I like the idea alot, but trying to force coherence through chaos deafeats the point of chaos.

 — hogrot

You poor little twisted lovesick screwed up person, Maybe you should consider loving on the other sex for a while, you seem to emotionally distraught to find aything healthy in your life, but it's kind of funny.
 — unknown

I've been a poet for a long time and I found this piece an eye-opening breath of fresh air. No butterflies, no trees, just brutal fucking bitterness...nice!

 — unknown

fucking brilliant. i'm probably reading too far into it and not understanding the real meaning... but i tend to take things and see them in ways to fit to my mind... and oh dear this imprint is deep... (am i allowed to say fuck if it's in a nice way?)
 — submerged

ohyes. i'm in love with this, you fucking rock.
 — xout

Um, I kind of like the last 3 lines, but in general, this bored me...
 — Moose

very radiohead
 — SeraphSoul

super inverted plastico @!!
 — onklcrispy

this appeals to me.
very nice idea, i thought. clever use of the binary string and the like.
 — shakeit

ever hear of a San Francisco poet named kari edwards? This really reminds me of her stuff. If you like this, you should definitely Google her.
 — dweasel

Hogrot, you've got a good point there, but I would be one to venture that the point of this is not chaos, but the coherent feel and message.

Your style is intriquing, and I really like these poems of yours. Keep it up. I'll keep reading.
 — zepplin42

I am deffinetly loving this piece
My favorite lines being:
Show me love in a bottle of vodka  28
and I'll show you the door  29

Sheer genius in a can, baby. Nice work. Show me more.
 — Adrielle

This is AMAZING. So different. I loved it! The last 3 lines sound like the beginings of a song to me.  Nice work!
 — Dinky

 — unknown

While I hate robots, I am intrigued by your use of their lingo.
 — PictursRhung

i love the ending to this poem
 — omega

This piece was interesting; it was a brilliant use of technology and verbiage. It left a lot to the imagination. I am not sure who you are loving on but you are obliviously distraught from lack of it. The techno inserts to me were your way of not saying what you really need to say and being fully exposed. Go ahead and do the damn thing.
 — kokoshabazz

Dear god, i wnat to make love to you and your skills! Either guy or girl, its fine! Lol, but in all seriousness this was truely a wodnerful piece of work.

But....are you in it with the robots!! HUH?!
 — Me_eM

i dont get it
 — gothicsin69

the last 3 lines are awesome...im a little confused after reading it twice tho. ah well its unusual and interesting. you rock
 — unknown

the best part of the whole thing is "slightly reversed"
thats great.

Soo very confused
 — unknown

Interesting technique. Something different catches people's attention. The emotion showed in L28-29 really moved me.
 — JohnB

line 9 is definitely the best  /  the matrix-style twist is unique and legit  /  i want to read more poems like this  /  the brackets and machine lingo works well, like in line 26
 — stilltime

I along with Bob ( PictursRhung ) also hate Robots, but i found this poem to be very creative. just remember the robotcaust is coming soon. You better pick the right side. Our only weapons may be pointy sticks and fire but ill be damned before I work for some freaking robot.
 — ItsInMyBlood

love the format! :-D So creative :)
 — picklypickle

programming is fun. I like the syntax of the poem.
 — mints

all of these poems our corney so make up new ones ok........
 — unknown

I love this. I love poetry with a beautiful form like this. A lot of people just like to read--I like to look, and look again.
 — jarofdirt

I enjoy these programming sort of poems. But I guess if you know a little bit about programming they're easier to understand. I like this. Good job!
 — Rynne

I think this is fucking cool.
 — Vonnegutman

to the last unknown: if youre going to make a dumbass comment like that, you should at least use the right form of 'are'. and at least give some backup as to why they "our corney".

this poem is really great. respect it for that.

i really, really, really enjoyed how this was written. very different from what you would expect of a poem, but really it's what you WOULD expect of a poem if you know what i mean...? poems are supposed to be different, supposed to be a way to express yourself the way you want to. i think you've defintely done this here.
 — dismantleme

CHAOTIC! in the end, it just left me confused.
 — imissyou

I dream in code. Love this. Reminds me of building websites while I was distracted by love.
 — OKcomputer

last three lines are great! but the rest................
 — J99

Yey! Another one! I Love these!

I especially love "she sways like hair on the head of an Antichrist"

What a metaphor.

 — elysium

"at least give some backup as to why they "our corney"."

 — elysium

Great. Fucking great... this hits home to me for some reason. I'm impressed.
 — unknown

yeah, it seems Thom Yorke.y.. but I love it. Because I love him. It's really neat, well done, could have had even more hidden meanings in the "coding" but maybe I'm missing some. Very good. Three mutated thumbs up.
 — etcetera

No matter how many times I read this It doesnt seem to get any better!
 — unknown

It's a nifty idea, creative. Some of the lines are interesting, I like l28-30. And using the code is a little unique.

Most of it doesn't make a lot of sense to me though -- what if the code were used consistently to accentuate the story? It starts out that way a little it seems, but then there's things like the 'quote code' in l20 and l23 which is a good idea, but the actual quote has quotes on it so there's really no point to the code being there.

One compelling element of this is that all of the words on the pages that we see on our computer are really code (Windows code, html, a GUI on top of it displaying it in a pleasing manner, etc.) that shows us what we want to see. Adding the element of the code makes this more interesting because we look at it a different way. But if the code isn't adding value, then we really have a poem that's sort of half-thought-out:

she sways like hair
on the head of an anti-christ
pages flip
fingers turn
through hidden diary e..n..t..r..y..s  
slightly revealed
   slightly purposefully
but without 110100100011101010
the purpose of a moth
she shows me love in a
  two page online piece of shit

The computer is more competent
   than you will ever show
like a man with a man
you with me
"I'm beginning to believe
everything he told me on the internet
was a lie."

like a man with a man
you make me feel like a lie

Show me love in a bottle of vodka
and I'll show you the door
on your way home from nothing

So with or without the code, I'm not sure what you're trying to say. Can the story be tigther? The visuals are good, I just don't know where they're going. And the code could also be used more strategically -- it starts to in a couple of places, but could be more consistent.
 — Greg

 — unknown

here's something for the Greg guy. some of the code does add to it. [dialupslienttalks], /[endtalkssoon], [endallfuckups], [repeatline:slightly_reversed], and [tweakturnedfuckup] all add to it. you just have to look for it. all the runscript, stopscript, startscript and newline commands and such aren't really adding to the poem itself, but to the format that it's built in.

AEOS, I don't really see it. I mean, they add to it in that if you take them away there are words missing, but they don't add to it in that they're really advancing the theme of the piece in a consistent, meaningful way, IMHO. Obviously a lot of people like this piece. The idea is pretty original, but I think it falls short of its potential. Could be great, but in its current version, to me it's just, "huh, cool, something new. what does it really say though?"

To each their own I guess.
 — Greg

this gos beyond words its awsome but im not down with the gay thing
xxlike bringing a knife to a gun fightxx
 — unknown

damn, i love this more everytime i read it.
 — 8Gj00

so damn confussing
 — unknown

Internet tech chat room script babble...interesting hybrid brought to verse.  Awesome.  I liked the "like a man with a man" type swing.  But seems to have dissonance.  I don't know, but at least I got the point of it.  

script error: post previous[syntax wrong

ahhh, fooey
 — dionnefields

LOL!!!!!!! Techo-cummings. YESSS. I love it.
 — meaka

i love this poem so much
 — nolovelike

not cummings(not an insult)
regular lines broken by interuptions during the writing process, no?
if so i love the way the interuptions stop for the last three lines
it magnifies their importance
 — basketpacker

amazing use...
i read
i looked around
i read again
and it enveloped

well done.
 — mwalkerd

captivating - perfectly difficult enough to capture that it ends up capturing, on multiple levels... i guess i'll read through this volume of comments here and try to figure out if it meant to this reader what it meant to the author.
 — mwalkerd

autistically mag-nif-i-cent! What a somersaultcartwheel. Lovin it. Makes me want to play dirty with my keyboard + linger lovingly over those strokes. mmmmmmmm
 — unknown


dis is veddy good

veddy good stuffs

start wid dis

and bag the rest.


cuase the rest suks shit
 — unknown

i fucking love this.
Good Job.

 — comicalLUST

hard work but I did like it
 — unknown

whoever you are....I LOVE YOU
i mean...i love your work
your work, i love
 — unknown

Damn, you write good poetry.
 — DeathShards

confusing and brilliant!
 — unknown

intriguing: not one boring keystroke.
 — banditfemme

yeah ... agree ....
 — listen

definately need some more actual coding script in this :)
 — Mongrol