poetry critical

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Sensing Spring

frail day, feet dangle off the edge
then eyes lower
wanting hopelessly, shamelessly,
to discover something more substantial
less slick and defined
than the dirt imprisoned by ice.
would that you were gone, shoes!
and if only you, toes, were bare, wriggling
released into luscious melting.
delicate moment, body stands, anticipating a
fall in pure release,
sight closing, soaking up drops of sheer desire.
slight veil, vision: be shed!
show me, strong passion--
touch me.
undress yourself,
land of thick and dirty flesh
soft supple curves desperately succeeding
in a brave, honest seduction.

5 Mar 03

Rated 10 (8) by 1 users.
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This sounds very good indeed. The imagery and style of your writing flows brilliantly, and your choice of wording drew me in. Well done.
 — Moose

Well done.
 — Rull

thank you both :)
is there anything i could do to make this poem better?
 — soulfull

Excellant! I like substance in words. I read each stanza twice and then back again.
 — unknown

i have the image of dangling feet.....cool.
 — tinkerman

Write more...please!
 — tinkerman

this is great, a beautiful hymn and a passionate love call for spring.
 — nisetru

i like this.
: )
 — fractalcore