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Faded Wallpaper
Gabriella

Yellow sun and gravel beneath rubber soled shoes.
 1
Through her mind flows grey electricity corrupting lucid thoughts.
 2
 
 
Our souls ebbing as the moon fades into the dawn
 3
and a fragile girl fell down the stairs and hit her head,
 4
dropping the nearly empty plastic cup of bronze rum onto the floor.
 5
But what she had so desperately hoped for did not come.
 6
She threw herself onto her feet and continued down the faded hallway.
 7
 
 
your love is all a ploy, and my china face is peeling
 8
 
 
and so the whispered words seep out from chapped red lips,
 9
infiltrating and poisoning the air saturated with lust,
 10
tumbling clouds of dust claimed her eyes;
 11
she is petrified, enervated into a warm corpse.
 12
 
 
Bright lights flashed against the walls,
 13
shrouding the world in an electromagnetic war.
 14
I miss you and so the mirror cracks.
 15
Silver spider webs woven around her head.
 16
 
 
Do you mean what you say or do you say what you mean?
 17
Distortions of her warped, rotting face fly from her hands, her dull pearls.
 18
And she lies on a liquid blue floor-- alone, alone, alone.
 19

9 May 05

Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
Inactive (28): 1, 1, 2, 4, 4, 5, 6, 6, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

Not sure what to say.
You have a rare gift with imagery.
 — claudia

give me your talent, marcela.
you can have the crazieness of michel diecidue.
and i'll have the talent of marcela fuentes.
 — unknown

I know, it's all crazy-beautiful.

Mad props yo'.
 — Rhein

LOL wow, I have admirers yay! Thank you all
 — Gabriella

oh yeah, i already commented, but i'll comment again. wajawacozzie!
 — Spunkee

9
 — Spunkee

Hey you, this is wonderful, you have such a great imagination.. It doesn't need much work, except maybe L14 . I don't like teh whole electromagnetic war thing, If you're going to put that, You need to be more specific. The tone is difficult to understand at first, but once you get into the middle it's better. Excellent work!
 — Lilac

what do lines 1-3 mean?  images are great, especially when they tie into each other or relate to the poem as a whole, but I am not getting that from the images in this poem...can you give me a clue as to what it means?  maybe I'm too sleepy to get it.  dkm
 — unknown

okay, basically the first couple of lines, is the introduction into the rest.
"Yellow sun and gravel beneath rubber soled shoes.  1
Through the mind flows grey electricity  2
and we are its outcome. "

It's referring to images of the mind, as you can tell, the girl in this poem tried to kill herself. Yellow sun and gravel beneath rubber soled shoes shows that no matter what surrounds her she cannot be changed, maybe I need to be a bit more clearer on that, any suggestions?
 — Gabriella

okay - if the first 3 lines are referring to images of the mind, whose mind? you use the word 'we' and then 'our', so if the poem refers to one girl who kills herself, how does 'we, you or our' get pulled in or relate to it?  Also, 'threw herself onto her feet' - a confusing image, as you can throw yourself into work, but to your feet?
You have words that don't add to the poem at all, i.e. L10 - so the/red, also, whispered is such a common description (I've used it too many times myself), is there another word you could use to project this image?  Whose love is all a ploy? And when did you become the girl...as in L15?  L17 Does who mean what they say?  
I hope this gives you an idea of where to start tightening things up...just go back over each line...take out words that weaken things and decide if this is going to be about you, or some girl and figure out L2, i.e. the mind...whose mind?
 — unknown

"Mind" as in general, we are it's outcome it's general. I never became the girl  . Look at nine and 10 it's the girl talking that explains it. I miss you and so the4 mirror cracks never once refers to me.  If you read the girl says it all. A fragile girl, her face is like china her face is pale and cracked. Besides, I already had this edited by rhein during class. I'm not going to change much unless a word doesn't fit in. thank you for your comment though, I appreciate the enthusiam you showed to try to help me.
 — Gabriella

Any more useful comments?
 — unknown

Besides teh unnecessary ones?
 — unknown

> I already had this edited by rhein during class. I'm not going to change
> much unless a word doesn't fit in. thank you for your comment though, I
> appreciate the enthusiam you showed to try to help me.

Thankyou for the advance warning that constructive criticism of your poem would be a waste of my time. Which leaves only scoring to make my opinion clear, (4).
 — unknown

You're an ididot who rated out of spite, show your name, and I never said you wasted your time , I just simply liked rhein's ideas better
 — unknown

I am not the original unknown and I did not rate out of spite. I rated the quality of the work alone. I would have justified my comments with constructive criticism if you hadn't already told the first unknown you wouldn't change the poem. Why should I waste my time giving you anything but a score under those circumstances? It is also my prerogative to remain unknown and I will continue to, as long as this site allows me too. I have not been rude or abusive to you, whilst you have been barely cordial at best.
 — unknown

ok, sure... if you're going to be smart about it, don't comment back , I appreciate your score.
 — unknown

ha!...geez.  some things never change.

I was the unknown (who offered constructive suggestions), which you are free to trash, as you have ...it won't affect my writing :o)  dkm
 — unknown

I haven't trashed them. I said thank you, didn't I? What does dkm stand for?
 — unknown

trashed = thrown out/not used.
dkm = the initials of my name

and yes, you did say thank you.
 — unknown

wow.

i wish i could come up with imagery like this. i think that this is the best poem that i have read from you. can you give me some of your talent, too?
 — CajunMoon

lol thanks. I appreciate it
 — Gabriella

This is great.

Nice imagery.
 — Diabolique_

Thank you, any other comments?
 — Gabriella

crikey. what the hell is going on with the top rated.

the first three lines are nonsense.
we are it's outcome, what we? huh.

4. our souls ebbing (this is screaming cliche) and fading into the night isn't much better

5. you're mixing gravel and stairs, and mind, and night, please be coherent with your imagery and metaphor, if you want anyone to follow your intention.

7 do you ever resolve what she hoped for that did not come?

8 you can't throw yourself onto your feet

9 cracking with laughter?

lust, love, who, what, where, huh? so ambiguous, i'm surprised it means anything to anyone but you.

15 more cracking?

this really needs to say something. pull the wild flailing images into something coherent. so that others reading can follow your train of thought. this is just pretty scribbles at best at present.
 — kaleidazcope

lol Kal thanks for your imput, But I like it the way it is. Perhaps I'll change one cracking, anyone else, any input?
-Gabriella
 — unknown

BUTT DRIBBLE.
 — unknown

Well, thanks for showing you care, it's upto you how you interpret it. Thanks again.
 — Gabriella

I'm sure you did get bored. I haven't read this in a while
 — unknown

ok
 — unknown

I understand this way too much. This poem was waiting for me to project my own emotions onto it.
 — vienta

I, too, would have to say that you have quite the way with imagery.  It's very vivid, for sure!  My only suggestion here would be to get rid of the ampersand in L5, where you're writing out all the other conjunctions throughout.  Change it to what it represents- "and."  Very good, very scary, very real.  Ain't poetry great?
 — starr

Vienta and Starr thanks for commenting. It's been a while since I've looked at this, so I added a couple of things here and there.

And yes, poetry is great!

-Gab
 — Gabriella

First of all, how can yellow sun be under a shoe's sole....wouldn't that be in a shadow, or at least a place where there is no light?

And doesnt the moon fade in the day, not the night?

And I know it is a phrase (cliched) but how do you 'throw yourself' onto your feet....especially after falling?

And how come the poem changes from 1st person plural to thrid person to second person to third person to first person to third person to second person to third person.

And how come the poem starts with gravel (outside) and all of the sudden we are inside with stairs and hallways....and of course there is a moon....and isnt there a pool or something in this somewhere.....confusing

the title itself is kind of cheesy and overdramatic.

hope this wasn't too blunt
 — joshcoops

well thanks for critiquing.

I agree with you. I wrote this when I was 15.

Except I can't see how the title's over dramatic.
Maybe if it was Attempted Suicide or something along those lines I could see it as cheesy.

And no, you're not being blunt.

-Gab
 — Gabriella

very imaginative.
 — unknown

It seems you’ve pleased some readers. That’s worth something, I guess. So you wrote this when you were 15, good, but I assume you’re more mature now. If you are going to solicit opinions, you should be willing to revise your poem into something more mature. This is LOADED with cliché and useless filler words. No offense intended to you or those who like this, but if you want to get better, you won’t settle for the praise of friends and relatives. I see you’ve gotten some very good, very specific criticism here. You really should think about using it. Sorry for being such a geezer.
 — unknown

Well here's my thought on my old work. If it's more than a year old, I don't think I'll revise it on the site. Why? That way I can learn.

You may ask what it's still doing here? Well it's here so I can see the critiques from 2005 and be like wow i sucked.

-Gab
 — unknown

valid point, Gab
 — unknown

so, you won't revise it on this site so it can be used as a reference to the shortcomings of your writing in the past? what is the point of that. You should make adjustments and post it so it can get critiqued again so you can make adjustments so you can post it again......that way your poem is at least progressing because of the site....not just using it as a glass cover to encase your old writing. That doesnt do you any good
 — joshcoops

Look, I appreciate your comment. I've done as much as I could with the editing with the limited time I have. I don't want a poem to improve because of the site. I want my style to improve. There's a difference. And it doesn't do me any good to have you say that I should be forced to change it.
 — unknown

I'm not trying to bully you, but don't you think that your style, your level of knowledge can improve from PC member input? If not, you should find a workshop that can. If you don't want to do that, you're just not very serious about your writing, and that's fine, as long as those who would spend a lot of their time trying to help you know that.
 — unknown

Let me reiterate. I did say I wanted to improve my writing style. If I wasn't serious about my writing, I would've completely ignored your commentary and not have done any of the changes you recommended.
 — unknown

perhaps i could reword what i was trying to write earlier. I like your writing. There is potential. And there have been some useful comments made. You, as the owner of your work, should feel no obligation to do anything anyone has said. But if you do agree with some of the critiques and you have used them. Then, it would be enjoyable for us, as readers, to see the improved version. For, it is an entertaining read as is. And if some more good critiques come (and im aware that 90% on this site, including mine, are worthless) then imagine the development that you could undergo, and us, as readers get to enjoy.
 — joshcoops

Joshcoops. thank you.

I do appreciate your comments. I have heeded your comments and several others. When I first published this poem, there was a ton of overdone unnecessary images that had no place in this poem. There is an improved version or rather a spin off to this. I will get around to posting it sooner or later. I haven't edited all of my poetry simply because time does not allow it, but this one is different. I write about her several times throughout all of my poetry.

Thanks once again

-Gab
 — Gabriella

Line 17. so fucking good.
 — CrudeEcstasy

Wow.
 — themolly

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