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Beneath the Buddhas of Bamiyan
bettalpha

young woman's headscarf
 1
folded too low across eyes
 2
has an insane charm
 3

12 May 05

Rated 10 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (5): 7, 8, 9, 9, 10

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(158 more poems by this author)

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Comments:

is it Mara, then, who so enrages the Taliban?
a beautiful woman leads artillery fire,
and Buddha, though still awake, is destroyed.
 — Bloodfetish

i would add articles to the beginning of each line, just because it feels too choppy.  i.e.
the woman's headscarf
folded too low across her eyes
has an insane charm

i italicized my point.  but it's just a suggestion.
 — sassybnyss

it is a good suggestion
 — bettalpha

i'm not so sure about the addition of the articles
this is so tight without
i like it that way
 — unknown

i like the lack of articles.  but then, i usually do.
i like the chopped brevity of each line.  it mixes well with the simple statement.
i'd actually suggest less specificity.  specifically: no "has" in L3...
thoroughly enjoyable either way.
thanks.
 — mwalkerd

i like the idea of has dissapearing thank you
 — bettalpha

haha, you're comments amuse me.  upon rereading, they provide me insight.
 — mwalkerd

I do like this....
 — TheJediPimpz

perfect but for the word "insane"

would prefer: rakish -or-  pirate  -or- goofy  -or-    
 — unknown

insane good religion word. i like
 — crepaway

it's you.  bastard i like your poems
 — crepaway

Sounds like your mad for it.
 — larrylark

I'm a bitch, not a bastard, cp.
This poem is eggsellent. All of this poet's works are polished gifts.
 — unknown

Gempoem. Lovely. Read, reread, reread. Don't like 'insane." Please replace. Indulge me. You--Alphabet-- the best poet here.
 — unknown

i can't think of a suitable replacement word right now. that i like as much. sorry.
 — bettalpha

i'm insane for it larry
 — bettalpha

"Insane" almost makes me think that the charm is not necessarily realized by the woman, one of those things that affects mostly the people around her, something that sweeps, merciless almost in its nature, something that dishevels almost.  Scarves are silky, especially if you are referring to a veiled woman, "menacing."  No, that would not work either.  I was just trying to brainstorm for a word different than insane, if I come up with something more, I will post.
Good job, did I say I liked this?
Maria    
 — slancho

zealous charm
 — unknown

fatal charm
threatened charm
disarmed charm
forlorn charm
qu'ran  /Koran charm
 — unknown

I don't think threatened would work, that almost makes her into the object rather than the subject of the poem.  Qu'ran - too much focus on her cultural background.  "Zealous" is what I would go for unless there is a better choice, which there always is.  
Just some input ...
Maria
 — slancho

I'd prefer the last line to read (perhaps more predictably?) 'shields an xxx charm'
it would tighten it up as per lines 1 & 2.

On the suitable alternatives to insane, well there just too many depending on what you want to portray. Here's what the preceding lines conjured in me:

enigmatic, curious, , dutiful, divine, seductive,
elusive, hypnotic, mystic, faithful, puzzling

Nice work.
 — hobby

I think the author is okay with "insane." That's what (s)he had in mind. If (s)he wishes to reconsider.... ah, but therein lies another haiku
 — unknown

You'll be walking six paces in front next
 — larrylark

ah, the random button again thows out a treat, nice to read this once more.
 — hobby

a 5-7-5...

bettaye'll give you a 10-fave.
; )
 — fractalcore

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