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Oceanic Slavery
Gabriella

The walls used to be white.
 1
Blank and empty,
 2
her eyes would glaze into glassy balls of green.
 3
The world would fade into frost,
 4
a silent snow globe.
 5
A millennia ago, she screamed until the walls crumbled into dust.
 6
The sky, glittering like amethysts, poured in,
 7
like lava dripping from a porcelain pitcher,
 8
boiling and free.
 9
Driving and gliding across the milky ocean,
 10
she escaped from her island;
 11
the small prison of cold metal and bright searing lights.
 12
"I hope I was a sailboat in a previous life."
 13

ok, this is the revised edition that Rhein suggested. I kind of liked my second line so I let it be. I could use a better title any suggestions. Constructive Criticism wil be appreciated.

14 May 05

Rated 6 (7.8) by 1 users.
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Inactive (22): 1, 1, 4, 4, 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

Lines 2-4 are kind of a run-on. They should be edited.

"Blank and empty,
her eyes would glaze over into balls of green.
The world would fade into frost,
a quiet snow globe."

Lines 5-8:

"A millenia ago, she screamed until the walls crumbled into
dust.
The sky, glittering like amethysts, poured in
like lava dripping from a porcelain pitcher,
boiling and free."

Line 9 should die. It's worthless. "islands of sapphire blue" doesn't really make any sense...and "flames of orange fire" has no real purpose. It's saying the same thing twice.

Lines 10 and 11:

"Driving and gliding across the milky ocean,
she escaped from her island;
the small prison of cold metal and bright searing lights."

Don't say "cold milky ocean" because you just used cold to describe the metal. Avoid using common adjectives more than once in a poem.

:D

I realise I took a lot of liberty there, but I made such detailed suggestions to help you out with composing your form. Sometimes your thoughts run on for too long, or are positioned awkwardly.
 — Rhein

yes, i agree
any thoughts on a new title though?
 — Gabriella

It's revised any comments or suggestions?
 — Gabriella

This is ccol!!!!!
 — unknown

lol thank you, i suppose but do you have any remarks?
 — Gabriella

I just forgot to put glassy in my comment. Oops. :/

Line 7 does not need a comma at the end, limits the flow a bit.
 — Rhein

ok ok, i'll change it
 — unknown

i think that this is a good poem. i would probably change the first four lines, but besides that, this is pretty good work.
 — CajunMoon

well what would you consider writing in place?
 — Gabriella

I like my first four lines... They're pretty and I was staring at a wall when I did it too. So they're staying perhaps i'll reword or rearrange.. any other remarks?
 — Gabriella

erm.. it seems a bit shorter than your usual poetry. Your imagry is as vivid as ever, however you could be a bit more detailed. I'll critique later when I have more time.
 — Lilac

It's not that short. I happen to like this one most of all. But then again, others see it diffrently, thanks for commenting.
 — Gabriella

as long as you like what you have written, that is all that matters.
 — CajunMoon

Length does not make a good poem.
 — Rhein

thanks.
 — Gabriella

Any comments?
 — Gabriella

Ok, I've read your comments and your footnote and it appears you have revised this. Well it's very good, I don't know what you had before, but I like what I see here, except well, you could have been more descriptive about the ocean. After all, the poem is called Oceanic Slavery, isnt it? The title really doesn't seem to fit though, is she a slave to the ocean, or is just on a island? Describe her island, make me feel like I'm actually there. Apparently you took out that line." Line 9 should die. It's worthless. "islands of sapphire blue" doesn't really make any sense..."said by rhein., To me islands of sapphire blue does make sense, and it's descriptive, but I don't know what you had with that, so I can't really say. Overall job, pretty good, I'll give you a 9,.
 — Subtle

the whole strength of this poem relies on you being a sailboat in a previous life? but none of the previous description recalls a sailboat?

it's all dreadfully pretty i'm sure, but mostly pretty waffle.
 — kaleidazcope

nice work, gabriella. very interesting poem.
 — RiverBliss

Thank you, any thoughts?
 — unknown

The walls
her eyes
she screamed
The sky
Driving and gliding
I was a sailboat

if you remove all nonsense and cliche, this is what you are left with. I would begin anew.
 — unknown

I was thinking yesterday you could turn it all around by making the last line:

"I hope I was a sailboat in a previous life."

lol.
 — Rhein

dripping with overdone imagery that actually works!!! surprisingly nice.
 — bianca

Thank you bianca, as for the unknown, if that was all that was left, it'd be stupid. I like nonsense . How bout next time, you don't comment ignorance on your part. Rhein... Perhaps...
 — Gabriella

Love the title.  Seriously, man.  Don't change it.  This does, however, remind me of that HOLE song "Violet".
 — themolly

Lol than k you, i guess
 — unknown

i dont get it
 — unknown

What is there not to get?
 — Gabriella

And I randomly recieved a one without comments? nice..
 — unknown

I agree with kaleidazcope...no idea once again what any of this means or how it relates to the last line - I also agree with the unknown who suggested cutting out most of this and starting over.  I'm noticing you don't take suggestions very well, and I can only wonder why people even bother if this is your attitude.  And you did that thing again - L11 'she', L13 'I'.  Confusing as ever. You seem to over-describe things, for instance, L7,8,9, like amethysts poured 'in', like lava 'dripping from'...which is it, in or out?  Use one strong image and cut the rest as it truly weakens your poem.  dkm
 — unknown

Look, criticize the poetry, not me. And provide suggestions, instead of being so vague. What do you think I should cut out?
 — unknown

ok, i changed the last line, i always forget to put quotations, and no I don't take criticism or suggestions badly. It's just when you're being so damn vague, yet criticize me instead, it gets on my nerve.
 — Gabriella

I agree with all the unknowns and kaleidascope. This is extremely overdone, and cliche. It makes no sense at all. Sorry. =(
 — Alice

Well thank you Alice, what can you not make out?
 — Gabriella

This poem is very colorful with the snow, lava, and green eyes. Than agian I have not idea what Im talking about. Love you
 — SirSkankAlot

Thanks, but what was there not to get? Yea, the majority of my stuff is colorful as you say. Love you too.
 — Gabriella

oh my goddess:

"lava dripping from a porcelain pitcher"  (line 8)

ah!  beautiful!  and:


"I hope I was a sailboat in a previous life."  (line 13)

very very nice!!!
 — woman_power

thank you
 — Gabriella

SHIT.
 — unknown

There's shit in the ocean? Yes, well perhaps there is, thanks for commenting
 — Gabriella

I like your imagery here, but some adjectives seem unnecessary and forced. Maybe it's just because I prefer minimalist... you can disregard my opinion. But I did get distracted by all that embroidery. I'll keep my rating at 7.
 — unknown

Thank you, do you suggest anything that could make it better?
 — unknown

You. Why are you not on AIM? >.>
 — Rhein

I love the second stanza. All of it. The first one needs some work, but only in lines 1 through 13. After that, this is great! That little date thing is a nice touch, too, I wanted to point out.

This is going in my favorite











poems to laugh at because they are so fucking awful pile.
 — unknown

Really> WEll thanks, don't I  feel honored. Stop wasting your time. It's useless.
 — Gabriella

Gabriella!  it's me.  how's it going.  tell me your sn so I can talk to you on there.
 — RiverBliss

Gabriella, stick to your new username. I would abandon this one since someone can't seem to control themselves. Honestly, it has become pathetic. Even Rhein enjoys his games but this is like poking a dead corpse with a stick.

Stop,
you hateful bitch.
:D
 — Rhein

Thanks rhein, but I've been posting my poetry as unknown. Better that way. Riverbliss, ask Rixes, he has it, or at least he should. DOn't want to givve it here,.too many crazy people as you can tell
 — unknown

I see ones are the new ten now then?
 — Gabriella

No your poems just suck
 — unknown

Was she enclosed, cause she caused a catastrophe? Love your imagry, and your last line. beautiful conclusion
 — unknown

Yes, she was. thanks
 — Gabriella

Your writing is beautiful. Keep up the good work! I would keep the title but maybe look to using more "flowery" adjectives or better yet don't describe:tell. That does seem to make for a longer poem at times. Just keep writing!  -Blueroc
 — unknown

green balls.

lmao.
 — unknown

How about Oceanary Reverie?
The thoughts through her head brought by the calm of the ocean(driving and gliding across the milky ocean). Unfortunately I can't rate this poem being as how I am completely lost to its intention...
 — Eschatologic

That's ok, Thanks I really appreciate the comments.
 — unknown

Thank you Blueroc, but after rereading this poem over and over and over again. I realized, that I can't do anything to make it better. I've tried to make it the best I can. Perhaps next time you comment, you could be a bit more clear on the "flowery" adjectives? A good poem, also doesn't necessarily need to be long. Thank you for the tip once again I really appreciate it. unknown, green balls? that's funny how? oh wait nvm. Eschatologic, you aren't forced to rate. But I would appreciate a good critique oh how to better perfect this, or my writing style. Your last sentence in your comment was a bit unclear. But everyone, thank you for commenting.
 — Gabriella

I STILL LOVE THE TITLE
 — unknown

Wow, thank you.
 — Gabriella

You should have your fingers amputated.
 — unknown

you are good.  i come back to this over, and over...
 — unknown

Makes perfect sense.  Great choice of words, well balanced with good sense of space.
 — unknown

sorry, signature!!

Makes perfect sense.  Great choice of words, well balanced with good sense of space.

Meep
 — unknown

wow, thank you meep.
 — Gabriella

It was a cold rainy day...I became A woman police officer!!!!
 — unknown

lol
 — Gabriella

its cool..
 — unknown

thanks
 — Gabriella

i liked this, and like it.






:(
 — listen

Well thank you listen
 — Gabriella

I stumbled on this after just posting my last comment on 'Memories in the Photographs' - I'm stunned that you get such a positive response when your poetry is full of obvious cliches. No personal disrespect intended but your work blows like Katrina.
 — b00

Well Boo, i don't really care much for your comments. Thanks anyway
 — Gabriella

"How can we ever succeed if others reward our failures?"
 — b00

crap
 — unknown

oh lord.
 — Gabriella

The poem was amazing, but its a little boring, its very, everyone writes about that. I could't even tell what you were writing about. I like that its about green eyes though, everyone else writes about blue , i also like this line alot...

The sky, glittering like amethysts, poured in,  
like lava dripping from a porcelain pitcher,  
boiling and free.
 — unknown

Everyone writes about being insane?
 — Gabriella

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