poetry critical

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poem for the maybes
vrai

this is a poem for the maybes. not the yeses,
 1
whose morning breath you taste on the hundredth day of hundreds,
 2
but the ones you married or loved or betrayed in some other universe,
 3
the first (you remember him as older than you are now
 4
but when you knew him neither of you could reach the
 5
top shelf in the kitchen, where fragile things like vases and hearts are kept)
 6
and the half-an-hour-ago (a boy with a grin; a full moon)--
 7
 
 
somewhere there's a picture of you, standing near the sort of tree
 8
that could grow anywhere. coincidental neighbors for a week,
 9
how strange to know the night noises and drunken stumbles and
 10
uneven smiles and his one-syllable first name, country of citizenship,
 11
 
 
well, goodbye.
 12
 
 
somewhere there's a girl in a room with a flowered dress in her closet;
 13
last time she wore it a rumbly stereo broadcast long slow notes and you
 14
took her lonely hand, moved it over her head to spin her
 15
and her hem in imperfect ellipses. you were barefoot;
 16
she is taller than you.
 17
 
 
there are jealousy plays, kiss-me-i'm-lonelys, a boy with things to say
 18
and no one to understand them, you with no one to understand. you have
 19
fumbled for fascinating answers to smalltalk questions from a girl you only want
 20
in order to drive the girl you love as mad as she's driven you.
 21
 
 
and you will, and you will,
 22
smudge the line between maybe and yes--it's something about knowing.
 23
maybes are not afraid of the dark. maybes do not have favorite colors.
 24
maybes have freckles, tequila breath, guilt, a pair of shoes
 25
that, when you see them again on someone else, will make you pause. "don't"
 26
in the air they exhale, or "in four decades, when we are old
 27
and have forgotten one another and met again"
 28
 
 
maybes are the ones you speak to as though nothing has happened.
 29
maybes are the ones you'll never see again.
 30
you know you've tasted him, but can't imagine the metaphor you
 31
might've thought of to describe it. spent a night with her watching stars,
 32
and all you can remember is how you told the story later.
 33

i had forgotten all about this site but rediscovered it in my bookmarks and found dozens of great comments on my poems... so thought i'd post a newer one that surely needs some work. from february.

16 May 05

Rated 8.8 (8.1) by 7 users.
Active (7): 1, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (126): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 3, 3, 4, 4, 5, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(6 more poems by this author)

(117 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

L28...shouldn't it be meet again?

This is incredible.  You are truly talented.

10

FAVORITE

Give me more poems!
 — themolly

I agree. more please.
 — kitkat

Truly wonderful
 — poetofark

i really enjoyed this. the idea is definitly there. i think line 30 takes away from the poem... maybe change the wording? i love the phrase 'kiss-me-im-lonelys'... line 6 is good. nice work.
 — topop

The first line is great.
  Favorite.
 — Hear

the freedom in this is perfect. great transition of relaxation to sudden seriousness.
 — listen

very nice.
 — Meep

awesome
 — tragicbubble

instant favorite. this is awesomely good
 — madderhatter

wow
 — Rousseau

I feel like you are telling a well-drawn out story, and yet, it is packed with poetry.

Well done.

The ending of line seven is perfect, because I can actually see the smile; I'm not sure if it is the imagery, or if you just have a way with just a few words in a consolidated space; either way, that is the best line in regards to my favorite.

I also like the force on "yeses." Very appropriate.
 — Opinion

10 for sure ughhhh..how are you so talented? i just love it? haha will you marry me? hahah jk but really i love your work it opens my eyes to new kinds of poerty i love it!<3
 — iloveyoo

I wish I could rate this ten more than just once.

You just moved the most right-brained person on this site to an emotional high. I hope that makes you happy, because it sure did me.

Ten and favorite, and if they had 11's, you'd be one.

[Teo]
 — teo_omega11

the title is captivating, and i am fascinated with your poem. great work :)
this is going on my favorites' list...
 — FrayedSkirt

I cannot stop coming back to this poem.

It's lovely. I cannot get over that fact.
 — ena

the long lines are good, but they are so long they go onto the next line, and it makes for difficult reading in a long poem like this.

beatiful content
 — inutile

or maybe the difficulty reading is just because i'm suffering the new years eve aftermath.
 — inutile

wow.
anything else i could say would be an insult to this poem's beauty.
 — awake

oh christ.
I can't tell you how many memories this brings back...and it doesn't need any work at all.
 — alana

I like this a lot, in fact so much so, I have just spent the past hour reading all your poems, they make fascinating reading, even though I have a terrible job understanding your rhythm patterns.

I feel this poem would benefit from shorter lines and lots of line breaks, and I really do not under stand why you bother using punctuation, you never follow it.

Couple of questions, rumbly and lonelys made up words perhaps? trades description act smalltalk maybe.

Very interesting piece of work, I really have to get too the bottom of your rhythm patterns they do puzzle me somewhat.

Morchuis
 — Mor

I don't know if this is meant to be a tear jerker but it had that effect on me..great stuff
 — gingerdave

this is undoubtedly impressive, as others such as Mor have stated.
and probalby the the best thing i've seen on this site in the past six million years

it makes me want to grow an obnoxiousy moustache and get mauled by cougars! frothibly!
 — onklcrispy

J'adore :)
but, in line 16: you were barefoot; she is taller than you--
shouldn't it be, you were barefoot; she was taller than you?
because well, the timing. 'is' and 'was' don't exist in the same time period.
 — FrayedSkirt

Ah vrai, I miss you.
 — unknown

this sounds like poetic work... POETIC work
only that i do wish i could understand it...
 — nikitasarin

line 24, Kafka.
 — Kauf

I don’t like to see a poem announce that it is a poem. Counting the title, this one does it twice.

< on the hundredth day of hundreds -  I really like this.

Don’t like universe—to predictable.

Consider using a colon after the first—not a good use of parentheses here, but I very much like the simile within. The first should have his own strophe, dontcha think?
  
I’d drop the “and”, use a colon again—not parentheses, and put line 7 by itself.

Also in the second strophe, you go from “you” to “his”; this seems to lack… I don’t know. Cohesiveness?  Perhaps this is to indicate another life?

L14 – you need a comma after “it”.

L15 – consider radio instead of stereo.  And as this is past tense, it should be broadcasted.  But neither tense of the word has the airy feel as the rest of this part.  How about aired?
Beautiful strophe at any rate.

L19 – after “them”, a period or semicolon would be better than a comma.  Then a comma after “understand”.  And it’s small talk.  Consider the following.

there are jealousy plays, kiss-me-i'm-lonelys, a boy with things to say
and no one to understand them. you with no one to understand,
have fumbled for fascinating answers to small talk, questions from a girl
you only want

L21 – why “in order to” instead of just “to”?  

L22 – If you isolate this line, the reader can tie it to above or below; imo, that would add interest.

L26-28 – your use of quotation marks here is very perplexing to me.  Also don’t like all the repetition of “maybes”.

Overall I like the concept, but, imo, there are a lot of words that could be chopped, especially the pronouns.
 — housepoppy

Love it.. favorite

You are very talented

-Holly
 — mourningskye

I keep finding more and more beauty in this poem.

x
 — musicwords

L11: is the comma at the end supposed to be there?

seriously though, amazing concept, captured wonderfully.
 — bob

if i could doublefavorite, i would. but for now, i can only express my awe by giving you a 10.

thank you for sharing.
 — cuishanying

i feel badly saying this after all the accolades, but i am not particularly enamored of this. the images are lovely, and as a piece of writing it is good, but as a poem, it isn't making it, in my opinion. it lacks poesy.

i won't rate it though.
 — noodleman

This poem is truly heartfelt.
I love the imagery: the boy with a grin (line 7), the shelf where vases and hearts are kept (line 6).
I love the imperfect ellipses (line 16), they are most perfectly human, the jealousy plays(line 18) and the night with her watching stars (line 32).
I also find the poem has a most natural rhythm and flow... it really takes you in, admirable!
You have indeed succeded in speaking from your heart, in your own voice which  is, no doubt, that of a poet.
 — sparrow

You are some poet.
 — gingerdave

teach me!

no, seriously, im in awe... you obviously have an outstanding talent. if ever you feel like commenting on my poems, it would be a honour to hear it.
 — Bobbi

a perfect summary of the maybes.. and certain parts of my life.. thank you
 — unknown

I know I've already commented on this but I just have to say that this poem's following me around all the time! i love it so much, especially the scenen with the imperfect ellipses
thank you so much for sharing your work!
 — sparrow

wow.

i love this.
 — yrrockstar

i, myself, am a maybe, bathing in a sea of maybes.
how refreshing vrai, that indeed, you tell the truth.

if i ever met a yes - i'd never know what to do with
him. well . . . maybe.

but then i'd have to wonder who i would become,
and whether my breath would grow stale, and my
crescent shape in front of him, boring and pale.

ah but don't you describe the endless possibilities
in such lovely ways.  thank you.

~ littleREDelf
 — unknown

neither of you could reach the  5
top shelf in the kitchen, where fragile things like vases and hearts are kept)

there are jealousy plays, kiss-me-i'm-lonelys, a boy with things to say  18
and no one to understand them, you with no one to understand



i absolutely..positively LOVE these two lines..i believe you could have wrote these two lines on a sheet of lined paper..and been handed some sort of award for "the most beautiful words ever put together"

except of course for "Cellar Door"

but your words are right there with thise..

i love this poem

it's going in my favorites for certain.


-Kayla
 — notetoself

excellent poem. beautiful imagery.
 — sodapop

O_O.. I like wite more PLease!!
 — Hidden_words

Nice poem, it dances.
 — lgw

it dances nicely, at that
 — unknown

i've just read this again & i still love it. this has been on my favorites for awhile.
 — yrrockstar

Ok... this poem makes me drift off into vagrant reveries every time I read it.. it's not structured the way most poems are but that's part of its charm, isn't it? It's sheer genius, emotion and memory captured, somehow, in words that usually elude people at moments like these. It's art in words and has to be read to the end.  Anyone who's bored enough to want to sit & criticise the grammar, punctuation or structuring ought to go off & write their own "perfect" poem. It won't top this one though.  Keep up the good work.
 — Esztel

i feel like parts of this could make a great song. or maybe it just reminds me of the mountain goats' "cotton". (that's not a bad thing. that song is pretty good.)
 — jade

its far too long.
 — unknown

Too long? Yeah right.  Try perfect, and you'd be closer.
 — MEB

I always feel that the world is right when this is somewhere in the top fifteen. Lovely to see it again. An inspiration, as always.

x
 — musicwords

own the book "the spoken word revolution?"  you ripped off one of the poems off that cd...
 — unknown

great poem
 — gjenkins

borderline plag.... honestly!  I cannot be the only person who owns this book...
 — unknown

Post the poem please, unknown.

x
 — musicwords

i like the expressiveness of this good work
 — xtormentedx

This should have a perm. #1 spot on this site.  All the time.  This is the epitome of everything this shit site has to offer.

-MEB
 — unknown

nice to see this back on the top rated. I still love it!
 — Rousseau

So so happy to see this back. Best poet on this site and they don't even come here any more. Beautiful.

x
 — musicwords

I know you're probably wanting some helpful critique, but... when you read such a poem like this, even the missing colons, and or long lines don't matter. You've written something that is not cliche, is not like the hundreds of other poems, but unique, and so for that I rate it 10, and favour it. Thank you so much for sharing, please keep writing. =)
 — Kellie_Fern

Somewhat boring. Overall nothing special. There are much much better poems here.
 — unknown

ah, i love it. a little hopeless romantic, but beautiful. i wonder who the "you" is.
 — livella

Beautiful, emotive poem.
 — Nostalgia

This is simply exquisite. Love it - definite 10!
 — kazfernandes

vrai, this is absolutely stunning...agh.
puts me to shame.
 — midare

Perfect and it wouldn't receive any criticism were you rightly regarded as something more than an internet peer.

I admire you and it and you.
 — OKcomputer

I am failing to see what is so special about this piece. I think it is overly sentimental and there is nothing particularly special going on it it, with the writing or otherwise. There are much better poems on this site.
 — unknown

That's ignorant.
 — OKcomputer

I was completely caught up in this poem, and at the end I was wishing that there was more to read.
 — aciissej

This struck a chord with me that few poems on this site have. A ten, obviously.
 — horsetheband

Inspired. Truely, a step above your fellow posters. It's just a little too long and a little too strangely formatted for me, but that's just personal. Amazing.
 — unknown

Every time I read this, it says something new to me.  Every time I read this, my opinion of it changes.  I don't know why but I am drawn to read it every time I log in!  

I like how you think outside the box and don't follow conventional rules.  That is part of art....being creative.....and being creative means doing something different.
 — jrwentzel

youre so wrong, sorry to tell you, think some more about yourself and the people you dont know
 — unknown

Beautiful.  The title and first line reminded me of Shel Silverstein's writing.  It definitely caught my attention.
 — colormehappy

Very nice!
I like it ALOT!
 — FolleRouge

Absolutely beautiful.  It strikes a chord deep in my soul.

Patrick
 — unknown

The first line immediately sucked me in...I also love lines 25 and 26.  What really sold me was line 31.  I really enjoyed reading this!  I am certainly putting this as one of my favorites.  I hope to read more of your work soon!  I love your style...this is beautiful!
 — candykid

after returning to the site after a long while, i find myself re-reading and loving this poem.
 — bob

this is the poem i've been searching for all my life.  i have just fallen in love.
 — 1994

It needs work by the standard definitions of poetry, needs trimming and tightening, reconsiderations in form and flow and so on.

But fuck that.

This wild, tangled, beautiful little thing you've written captivates and exhilarates me.  I must pour over it many more times before I'll feel justified in offering literary advice.
 — aurelius

breath-taking
 — luvscost

Wonderful!
 — kingkong

I like the interior flow of your poem... I 'll have to re-read it...
 — greenmantle

sTraNGe. ThiS pOEm deserves a 4.3.
 — unknown

I've read it a second time... it's not always easy to follow...
 — greenmantle

I wouldn't be able to read it a second time, it is that bad.
 — unknown

I would imagine that this would be an extremely difficult poem to read out aloud before an audience.
The reception to the first line could anything from stunned silence to uproarious laughter depending on the intelligence and education of the listeners.
For those unused to the joining of may and be, they could be excused in thinking the speaker was referring to flying insects prevalent in May.
May Bees no less.

However, the unfortunate yeses whose morning breath you taste may not engender kind thoughts in regards to your grammar, whichever day you chose to illustrate.

The first two lines are a grammatical disaster; I think uproarious laughter would be the order of the day.

Mor.
 — Mor

Please give this poem the deserving 1's that it deserves so that it does not continue to grace the top rated poems.
 — unknown

I like the inferior flow of your poem too - I'll have to reread it - NOT!
 — unknown

This more than deserves a spot in the Top 5 here. I tip my hat to you and honor your obvious talent. My only bone to pick would be the first line; I believe someone else pointed out that it's a bit self-conscious to announce that this is a poem at the beginning - it discredits the amazing images and gorgeous flow of words that follows. Wow.
 — DrakeScott

i like the idea of the whole thing. although it's sometimes jerky and run-on, it doesn't distract from the poem at all: i think it kind of adds to it.
niice.
 — bob

i agree, somewhat boring. i won't ruin it with a rating though.
 — unknown

hmmmmmmmm.
 — arvindjoshi

This is what I wanted to say and couldn't find the words for.
 — Liebestod

O, whoah thats a realy good poem!
 — unknown

i think flaubert would love this poem...made me think of "sentimental education" right away
 — sarahjoie

sorry. don't like. the ideas are interesting.
I can see the reason for peoples to like it though, its just personal ambiguity.
 — DeformedLion

!
 — unknown

I really like this.  It's like you're rambling in an incoherently coherent mumble about things we think about but fail to speak aloud.
 — Aziel

moremoremore
 — unknown

Still, without a doubt, my favourite poem of all time.

x
 — musicwords

I love this. But I guess it would be more helpful if I told you what I loved about it.

"where fragile things like vases and hearts are kept"

"you have

fumbled for fascinating answers to smalltalk questions from a girl you only want

in order to drive the girl you love as mad as she's driven you."
 — stackpop

who in his write mind wouldn't love this?
very stunning work.
: )
 — fractalcore

this has been favourited 95 times? Its nice and all, and its quite interesting to write beautifully about the not quite so beautifuls- and for sure, its worthy of a 9 or 10, but its not the best poem i've read on this site.  
 — mr_e

having said that it doesn't deserve the 15 1's and 2's its got either!!! btw i favourited this (ugh i hate myself)
 — mr_e

.........
 — unknown

i love this! kind of hits home for some reason, but i don't want to think about my "maybes"...or rather that particular maybe i tried really hard to forget!
anyhow, brilliant :-)
 — fusion

I am new to this site and this is the first poem I have read.  It is very well written.   However, I really like the first part of the poem the best.  Where I begin to get lost is after - "she's taller than you".  I love the first part and think that this poem has much potential.  Very nice.
 — alarned

I went into this unsure of what I'd think of it.  And came out not sure what this feeling is that it placed inside me.  I adore this poem, it gets so much better as it progresses that it almost leaves me oblivious to how much it affects me until I get through it.  
I really can't say any more.  10, as if this number were somehow enough.  
 — cualquier

Needs work indeed...  Nice work so far, though, but there are a lot of metaphors that I can't really put together, that it feels like you just put in there to repeat a previous phrase.
 — technomancer

wow. i cant breathe a little.
this is inspiring and wonderful.
i love lines 5-6 best.
 — Sillychild

i generally also don't like when a poem acknowledges that it is a poem, but this is an exception.

it's written as an ode to the lost, so that makes it okay in mentioning that it is a poem.



beautifully written, this tugged at my heartstrings.
 — shakeit

this is really good. i suck at expressing myself with words but wow... really really good
 — silentspring

wow im sorry to comment again but i am totally in love with this... i read it everytime i come on this site... its so wow. i love the whole concept being portrayed here
 — silentspring

this is amazing.
 — SweetPain

this reminds me of bukowski's 'once in a while'

it is only
once in a while
that you see
someone whose
electricity
and presence
matches yours
at that
moment

and then
usually it's
a stranger.

it was 3 or 4
years ago
i was walking on
Sunset Blvd
toward Vermont
when
a block away
i noticed a
figure moving
toward me.

there was something
in her carriage
and in her walk
which
attracted
me.

as we came
closer
the intensity
increased.

suddenly
i knew her
entire history:
she had lived
all her life
with men
who had never really
known her.

as she approached
i became almost
dizzy.

i could hear her
footsteps as
she approached.

i looked into
her face.

she was as
beautiful
as i had
imagined she
would be.

as we passed
our eyes fucked
and loved and
sang to each
other

and then
she moved
past me.

i walked on
not looking
back.

then
when i looked
back
she was
gone.

what is one
to do
in a world
where almost everything
worth having
or doing
is
impossible?

I went into
a coffee shop
and decided that
if i ever saw
her again somehow,
I'd say
"listen, please
i just must
speak to
you..."

I never saw her
again

I never will.

the iron in our
society silences
a man's
heart

and when you
silence a man's
heart
you leave him
finally with only
a cock.


good stuff, good stuff
 — iamswanson

this is amazing. i love it. I've seen things thru this perspective before and you captured the yearning perfectly. keep writing you've made me curious.
 — brokenarrows

amazinggg. amazing amazingg. almost too amazing for words. thats all i cannn say!!
 — chelseyjo

  breathtaking!
    this leaves me speechless.
 — enkantada

I like this poem!
 — Joseph

me likies
 — unknown

and you
took her lonely hand, moved it over her head to spin her
and her hem in imperfect ellipses.

*dies*
incredible
 — katievideo

absolutely wonderful.
i usually dont really enjoy longer poems
but this one is great.
i have to check out your other ones.


Jessica
 — aprilkutie

This is really well done. Make met meet in line 28.
 — laura352

WOW!!!! i really love this poem it just describes alot of us. Whoever wrote this must be a pretty deep writer. we should talk sometime.
 — firerocket

blimey, 109!
 — syrossoul

Is this old poem week and no one sent me the memo?  Always did love this.
 — Isabelle5

dear poet, do not worry about the suspended comment, it was of no worth, merely trying to sell you pharmaceuticals from Sweden.
 — keats

Glorious. I'm in love with this somewhat-anthem. Your use of language shows a mastery I find myself jealous of. I never grew bored, something that is a true indicator of skill in a long poem. Definitely a 10.
 — ishtarboy300

gorgeous read, hits all the right notes. bit too close to home i reckon
 — behaev

oh a treat. really lovely. you should post more. thank you!!
 — unknown

Replica wrist replica watches have turn into the most recent fad inside the style world. These wrist tiffany jewellery have turn into a favored style accessory for folks of the two sexes tiffany and co. Today, far more folks put on these fake branded imitation timepieces to reflect their replica handbags interpersonal standing and display away their supreme taste for fashion.
 — unknown

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