poetry critical

online poetry workshop

This Is Just to Say

based on wcw's this is just to say; least guilty poem of 3

I have eaten
the pickles
that were in
the fridge
and which
you were going
to use
on your cheeseburger
Forgive me
they were yummy
so crunchy
and so cold

1 Jun 05

Rated 6 (5.7) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (7): 1, 2, 4, 4, 5, 8, 8, 9, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(80 more poems by this author)

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any comments?
 — ducktape

prosey at this point ... would rather wait for the rest in this case, to form a decent crit.
 — Bloodfetish

What on earth is the point of doing this?
 — unknown

so unmoved.
 — SteelAngel

might be better for me if i knew the original poem, but i would say to take "and" out in line 5.  I don't think it's necessary.
 — honeypot

i don't know the point exactly.  it's poetry--and i had to write this for ENGLISH class.  so yeah.  poetry can be fun, can't it?  try reading "This Is Just to Say" by William Carlos Williams.  maybe you'll understand then.  (;  thanks for your comments though!  (;
 — ducktape

All you are doing is copying this guy's poem and changing a few words.  It's like you are practicing plagiarism!
 — unknown

nope.  our english teacher told us to do this.

the next two i chose to change around even more, and look less like the regular poem, which is about plums.  i'm not practicing plagiarism if i gave credit to the author.  that's what i did.  can't you see?  (look at the top)  so it is okay.
 — ducktape

It's an interesting assignment, but I think the best thing about poetry is coming up with a creative idea that is your own!
 — unknown

yeah?  well it is an idea of my own.  i used my creativity to turn William Carlos Williams' original poem into a different poem--only this time it's by me, well with exception to some parts, but i had to write this for english, so there.

i think it is interesting in itself.  did williams eat all the pickles?  NOOO.  he's the guy who ate all the plums.  

 — ducktape

 — unknown

This is creative in the way that one might change Barbie's jumper from yellow to pink or perhaps have a can of tomato soup today rather than a can of chicken soup.  It is the creative genius of saying 'H'i rather than 'hello'.

Save this stuff for your english class. Be inspired by this guy's humour and brevity and style and produce something for us which really *is* your own and requires no footnotes or headnotes.
 — unknown

Yes, I understand you.  I just thought it was kinda cool to show ppl, that's all; to share the poems with you.  At least I gave credit to him, you know?  It'd be terrible if I didn't do so--that'd be wrong.  Do people still want me to post my other 2 versions of the poem or no?  If so, after I post the 2 others, you will hear nothing more than *my* poems--nothing based upon anything for English class or whatever.  If not, then you'll see poems written and based upon stuff from me or whatever (you know what I mean, right?).  Tell me if you want to read my other 2 so I can figure out what to post next week.  Thanks for everyone's comments--I really appreciate your thoughts! (;

 — unknown

Make stanza two less obvious.
Alter stanza three. You don't need line nine.
Or the headnote.

People who have read, will understand.
People who have not, will not.
 — silhouetted

Ahhh, yes. I remember doing a similar assignment when I was in school on 'Stopping By the Woods on a Snowy Evening'. I love Williams, and this is hilarious. Last stanza made me laugh out loud.  However, with this assignment maybe you should just use his style and write it about something totally different - an object still, but not foods beginning with'p'. Pickles...Plums, too near original. Of course you said you have a few more of these tributes?

 — unknown

no, then that would be plagiarism.  it doesn't matter if they can tell the difference or not, because either way it'd still be wrong.  if i choose to edit this poem, it would still have to be credited for the author's original poem, because he inspired me to write the poems.  so i will keep the header.  (;
 — ducktape

ducktape, it wouldn't be plagiarism if you took out the headnote.
Why? Because WCW's note/poem is famous enough to make most readers nod wryly.
The satirical aspect of this comes across better with an inside joke sort of thing.

The headnote gives away too much.
I like your first stanza.
 — wendz

dspeaking, yes i have 2 more poems to post (that is, if you think it'd be okay for me to post).  however, they are not about pickles, heehee.  (;  oh wow.  i didn't even realize they both started with "p".  wow cool.  the other 2 poems are not objects, but rather events that happened--guilty stuff that i did in the past.  s:
this poem is the least guilty event.  (i like pickles)  (;

i am glad you understand.  thanks for your comment!  (;

 — ducktape

Well, still there are millions of ppl who don't know who Williams is.  I think I just heard of him last year, and this year is the first time we had to do a class discussion about his poems (in english class).  Anyhow, for now I think I may keep the header.  Yet I will reconsider your idea.  Thanks for your advice and comments.  (;
 — ducktape

i like it. so shoot me. :P
 — noodleman

okay thanks.  (;    (i won't shoot you though. nope nope.)
 — ducktape

This is just to say

I have taken
the money
which was on
the dresser

and which
you were going
to use
to buy groceries

Forgive me
I have spent it
on liquor
and lottery tickets.

hehe...this is fun.
 — unknown

This is Just to Say

I have pissed around
a bit with your
rather famous

and which
you are probably
quite proud of.

Forgive me
but I feel that
I have now
made it my own
 — unknown

Are you one of my little brothers??  This is cute and guilty as crumbs on the upper lip.  Brazen and nyah nyah in your face.

I love it.
 — Isabelle5

I also love unknowns comment poems just above my own.  Slick and sly, the PC guy!
 — Isabelle5

This is just to say

I have broken
the tv
that was in
our room

and which
you were going
to watch
Desperate Housewives

Forgive me
it was Anne Culter
so bitchy
and so biased.

This is so fun...ducktape, we should start a message posting with this.
 — unknown

oops I didn't know I hadn't logged in.


(I didn't write the 2nd one...)
 — unknown


Or, put it as a footnote.
It's just that when I see the title, I think:
"Ooh! It's another spoof at WCW!"

I learned it in high school too, and it was fun.
It's just that when the poem flows from the title,
it's amazing. I don't want to stop to read the headnote.
 — unknown

 — ducktape

i will shorten the headnote.
 — ducktape

is that better???
 — ducktape

Don't you realise yet how pathetic this exercise thingy of yours is?  Go away and write a poem of your own PLEEEEAZE!
 — unknown

If you MUST continue with this exercise why not just post all three poems all together, one under the other as one poem.  Get this infernal thing over and done with.  Perhaps you have actually done something interesting with your other two versions.  If so, why hide them behind this waste of space.
 — unknown

i want to have fun with this though.  so i shall make it a bit inconvenient. muahahahaha.  (;  love u all anyhow.

(lia, i am thinking positive of the unknowns! lol)
 — ducktape

Very much better, less distracting.

What ALL so called "poets" should do before attempting to write their own measly "poetry" is to read and see how words can be economised, as well as maximised to express what they want.

Some people have a natural gift and need little outside input to write brilliantly, most others are not, myself included.

To the unknowns; fuck 'em. ^_-
 — unknown

(; you're sweet, wendz.
by the way, you do know that i am maroon_mouse from the online journal, right?
 — ducktape

Hehe yes, I did. I was thinking "Hm, who is this?" Then saw the link to PC, and after reading a couple of entries, figured out that it was you.

Clicked on your profile, and hey presto! maroon_mouse is otherwise known as ducktape. I always thought you were a guy!
 — unknown

lol.  yes, i think many ppl do.  this one person named odin thought i was a guy as well.  we're becoming quick friends now that he found out i was of the opposite gender.  lol.  (;  s o yeah.  (;  it's all good.
 — ducktape

^^^ Ahaha, that's quite amusing, and so true!! ^^^

But yes, back to the poem. I was going to read this ages ago, but I was too lazy. I finally read it today and I must say I'm shocked. Why didn't you tell me what I was missing out on!!! You were trying to keep this good poemness away from me, but you didn't succeed!! Mwahahaha!!

I don't like pickles on cheeseburgers, but I do like this poem.

But maybe change the last line to "Oh so cold"? Or something? Becase I think just leaving it as it is is a bit boring. But you wrote this to be like another poem (or something like that), so maybe it wouldn't fit? I don't know.

I bet you thought this was a heaps good crit like Inuki's didn't ya? But it was only me being strange and random, and not quite relating this to the poem. Sorry!
 — Lia

you should read wcw's original poem.
 — ducktape

yummy. i'm hungry....
 — lonelygirl

See also: Varations on a Theme By William Carlos Williams.
 — rafter

hi rafter.  I clicked on the link you provided, but it doesn't work.
 — ducktape

Try: http://www.favori tepoem.org/poems/koch/
 — unknown

We all like a good pickle! My favorite are the sweet ones. Take them over dill any day. My Dad used to like the big, Kosher dill ones. But then I love pickles on a burger too or even a hotdog! I guess I'm just in a pickle so to speak!
 — wamblicante

as much as i appreciate the idea, dont ever copy a poem this directly! its called cheating. this poem was originally with plums written by the famous William Carlos
 — unknown

good poem kel, even though i don't like pickles. lol
 — infinity

"This is just to say "-- is one of my favroite poems!  I have loved it since first read, many years ago.   Nonetheless, your assignment is a little silly,, , did she really expcect you to write a version so exacting of his own?  I was once assigned to re-write a williams poem, and that meant to copy form and meter  , but not literal concept.

For example:

I have yet to see

you were standing
so pretty
I knew you
saw me

and yet
i was waiting
to see
your fabulous smile

it never came.
so hollow,
that look.


PS: whoever unknown is below who wrote thier own versions.. excellent work!  =)
 — 5foot3

thank you for the link!  that's cool.

thanks wamblicante, infinity, 5foot3, and the unknown for your comments.  thanks pplz!  (;

yes yes yes.  i gave hime credit.  this was established.  yes.

and yes, my english teacher did want us to do it like that^^.

 — ducktape

i love pickles.
 — ducktape

why is the text bold here??  strange...
 — ducktape

i don't like pickles on hamburgers. they taste funny, and the texture is completely random.
 — Lia

I dont like  hamburgers  on lia, she tastes random and the texture is completely pickled.  
 — unknown

I still find this so cute.  Wish I would have said thus to my ex-roomate before kicking her sorry ass to the curb for other reasons.
 — Isabelle5

i get pickle cravings when i'm pregnant

thank you for the memory

yum yum

Your fellow Fallopian Tube
 — unknown

hahaha. This rocks.

I'd kill 'so' before cold.

 — unknown

I didn't understand what wcw meant, until I read the poem...now I know it means William Carlos Williams. I hate his poetry. I remember one of his poems that was about eat grapes from the cooler and how they were tasty---or something like that. So boring. Honestly, no offence to you as a poet...his poem style does not appeal to me at all.
I guess it's cool how though you knew that someone else wanted the pickles for their cheesburger, but ate the pickles anyhow because they were tempting you with their taste and crunchiness.
And the "so cold" part...perhaps is that guilt that is felt for eating the pickles someone else wanted? It sounds like it could mean that. Or, it could just be because they were in the fridge. Okay...so this wasn't so bad after all. Poignant.
Word choice of "yummy" though...it makes it sounds like a child did it. Maybe one did. I wouldn't know.
 — MrChris