poetry critical

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written 02 Jun 2005
Sitting at a small round table
I was having hot chocolate
while my friend
a Starbucks-obsessed fan
had some mocha-chai-latte whatsit
We were sipping our tongue-burning liquids
as a leather jacket,
with a skinny guy inside,
came over
"Hey man, what up?"
This boy asked, looking directly
somewhere other than at us
"Seen Bill? He was s'posed to score me some."
"Nah, he been M.I.A for, like, a week or whatever. How you been bro'? Chillin' wit' wha's 'er name, Tina?"
My male friend answered, now losing consonants left and right
"Nah, man, I kicked her to the curb. She was way jealous."
I sipped my plastic-flavored chocolate and
watched in amusement
as these two
turned into cartoon characters
"you think yer friend could hook me up with some, you know?"
"nah, she's strictly straightedge. "
"ah, no doubt, no doubt. hey, check the ink i got"
Leather man removed his exterior to show off a skull-and-crossbones tattoo
with "MOM" written on the skull
I must have somehow become visible again
even without the introduction
because the red-eyed boy sleepily said to me
"bet you neva' scored one-a these. That's some pain you couldn't take. "
"Okay," I thought.
I didn't say anything or even look disturbed by it.
I was more concerned that
my hot chocolate
was no longer hot
"Actually, I have a tattoo."
I said as I stood up to go
grabbing my purse and jacket
"I'll see you later, okay?"
I said to my friend
He replied
How sad, I thought
Now he's lost his 'R's.

10 Jun 05

Rated 7 (7.9) by 2 users.
Active (2): 4, 10
Inactive (24): 1, 2, 5, 5, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(8 users consider this poem a favorite)

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Brilliant character creation, making them funny and pathetic. "Leather man" in line 21 made me laugh. Well done.

After re-reading, I have a few suggestions. "Came over" in line 8 has the potential to be said with more of a visual description. Did he strut? Amble?

Line 27 - seems like it would flow better with different punctuation.
"Okay, I thought. I didn't say anything or even look disturbed by it;"

Just some thoughts. Wonderful write!
 — SteelAngel

I like this poem a lot! It says a lot about fitting in and "being cool" (what they called it back in my day anyway). How hard some people try while others see past it. A well done poem with some "cool" people in it. Thanks! PS - Where's her tatoo?
 — wamblicante

I absolutely adore this! It made me think of some of my friends! My favorite lines are 8 and 9... what a great way to describe him! Giving this a 10!
 — ky_diva

wonderful dialect!  oh god, the ending made me laugh!  good, good stuff, crackles with the zzzzz-zing energy of the street.  thoroughly enjoyable read.-
 — pghpoet

Superb dialogue,great authentic sounding voices.I was there right with you at the next table
 — larrylark

you write interesting and original poems on the whole, if a quick flick through the rest of your poems is anything to go on.
 — unknown

oh god this is great
 — dlong

You really painted a picture for me, i felt as though i could see everything that happened through your eyes, in a kind of "being john malkovitch" kind of way. Great poem.
 — unknown

31-21 quotation marks are skrewd up.

This is funny as hell. It's no wonder you're so high on the list.

ONE suggestion....double check your punctuation.  With all the dialouge going on some things were overlooked.
 — unknown

really great read, light
 — sweetlemon

Tats are usually as eloquent as those who possess them, I've found.
 — A4midabl1

 — tragicbubble

Very witty; sounds like he "liked" you or was just being a tease. The actually seems to add an arrogant tone- Why not just, "I have a tattoo." ~Actually's~ are so overused these days by females- it sounds stuck up or hateful, like there's no way you could ever in some lifetime or another be stuck on narcotics or hit on one who is beyond you, but I appreciate the 'in other words', no. Just try to do it humbly and don't give in to peer pressure further unless that tattoo was really needed and right. They're really not aesthetically pleasing in time and I believe are truly originally for sacred healing purposes and to scare off enemies. Fun, confident story though. Just sounds like you need to take the next step...but I understand it comes with time and innocent, deserved learning.
 — C



very shleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek

 — unknown

Hey... this is really GREAT!!!
 — aforbing

Poetic story telling - good diction lines, which seem to be difficult to do well.
 — Isabelle5

420 and Starbucks Zesty Lemon Squares...yummm!  I'da followed the leather dude out back and smoked one WITH HIM!  I must have been at the next table with Larrylark too!  It's a "10."  Hope you're bud got his "R's" back (late).  
 — starr

This poem makes me grin haha.. I love it
 — xerda

Makes you wonder if she really has one, eh?

It's funny how people change depending on who's around them.

I love this, truly a piece of work.
 — MissMay

I wouldn't call this a poem but it is poetic.
 — unknown

Very, very enjoyable.  Thanks :)
 — CervusWright

 — WordsAndMe

nice. really like the humor.
 — listen

Nice poem!

My Forum
 — unknown