poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Red Thong
Isabelle5

Don't know what I could have been thinking
 1
the day I bought that little red thong.
 2
Maybe it was just my lover's wish
 3
that made me brave enough to put it on.
 4
 
 
Bright red satin with thin little straps,
 5
a small embroidered thornless rose
 6
and I was full of wildly sexy thoughts
 7
as I stepped out of my clothes.
 8
 
 
The string at the back promptly disappeared,
 9
lost in a butt-cheek flash.
 10
What made me think that an inch of cloth
 11
would cover my middle-aged ass?
 12
 
 
Red spots burned from just-shaved hairs,
 13
the rose barely covered my pube,
 14
and the stomach protruding above and beyond
 15
was as sexy as an inner tube.
 16
 
 
I must admit he was still turned on,
 17
even though I was a little shy,
 18
and he looked real cute in his birthday suit
 19
with that blindfold tied around his eyes!
 20

10 Jun 05

Rated 9 (7.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8, 10
Inactive (42): 1, 1, 1, 3, 3, 4, 4, 5, 5, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

haha. amusing! only thing i didn't like was the "glowing" red spots. I know what you're saying but it seemed a different word might be better. otherwise, it's great. thanks for makin me laugh.
 — SteelAngel

i thought i thaw a thong bird...


silly me, it's isabelle!

3rd and 4th are excellent! you are one sexy granny.
 — unknown

Changed glowed to burned...makes more sense for razor burn.

Do thongs come in flannel???
 — Isabelle5

This is funny.
 — pennylane

"a butt cheeck flash"!!!  HAHAHA!!  great poem...made me laugh :)
 — woman_power

Thanks for the laughs.
 — FangzOfFire

Yeah... Like you are fat.  You're so hot, you can't be fat like that.
None the less, this is funny as all get out.  Nice job!!
Can you blindfold me, too?
 — aforbing

Aforbing, no blindfold.  You can take it full on!  
 — unknown

This is brilliant!  Rhyme seems a bit forced but it don't matter!!

Ya, like you were shy!
 — MFine

Absolutely brilliantly funny poem which says so much about sexuality and the ravages of time. Now i understand why the wife has taken to wearing dark glasses in bed.
 — larrylark

Dirty bitch I want you
 — unknown

ugh, gross
 — Volcomvs

Dirty bitch I want you
– unknown
 — ramher

Isabelle, this is fantastic. Inspired! Thanks for a great laugh...I needed it!
Not much to critique here structurally. Bravo!
-Catbox
 — unknown

I always say Isabelle, choosing underwear is like choosing punctuation for a poem - don't be afraid to go with your own judgement, but don't be surprised if looked at in the cold light of day, you begin to wonder if you got it wrong - a fantastic, funny poem,
 — opal

haha (: this kept me entertained
 — LoserXcore

Damn...SO HOTT.  Yeah, double T for this one...makes me laugh so hard...awsome stuff.
 — SaleenDriva

So smoothly done!  Cheers.  You've got to send this in to Cosmo.  Or to MS magazine.  Both.  Definitely try to get this published in a woman's magazine. Or GQ.  

Your light style is perfect for the subject and rhyme really works here.

Good job.
 — cynthmala

0_0
 — noodleman

wo lady sounds pretty crazy!  
 — Riverwriter2

hee hee, another funny but sweet poem
 — unknown

I made the mistake of sending this to a couple of my younger co-workers, thinking they'd laugh.  They were offended, thought this was reality and wondered why I'd be sharing such a personal experience with them.

AS IF!!!!  
 — Isabelle5

cute.
 — 5foot3

suggest change the pube and tube lines. Would greatly improve this.. They are real clankers in an otherwise okay poem.    Also, its a pretty ugly image!  Guess the writer has a real sense of humor (which you prob have 2 be old to understand)  
 — unknown

There once was a woman named Isabelle
A sexy tale she did tell
Of satin in red
and middle aged spread,
and a bottom that wobbled like hell!
 — hobby

Very cute comment/poem!  (hey, my bottom actually does not wobble - I work out hard and long and NO ONE suspects me of being middle aged.  The grandchildren are ALWAYS mistaken for being my own kids.)

Not related to the poetry but I needed to throw that in for my own ego's sake!  
 — Isabelle5

He He, loved it - it made me laugh, mind you I cringed a little on 13 & 14 but was laughing again by 16. :o)
 — hobby

cute.

shouldn't pube in line 14 be pubes?
 — aleksandr

haha, interesting!
 — FrayedSkirt

How funny!  I love it.
 — fallinforyou

(  Y  )

(  P  )
 — unknown

*laughs*
 — inc_reign

this is gettin me hot!!!!!! and i could not be more gay.
 — unknown

truly delightful
 — tanamac

Okay.  Being a thong connoiseur I suppose I'd hoped for more.

I find lines 1-8 incongruous with the rest of the poem.  It starts hot then moves to the comic, which left me confused rather than impressed.  I think you should have gone for either comedic or sexy, rather than mixing and achieving neither.

I liked the sweetness of lines 17-18.  It conveyed the romance of middle aged love and appreciation very well.
 — unknown

Well, thanks for that comment.  It's supposed to be mixed, romance and comedy.  Especially when you're not a 20 something perfect firm specimen.  It's the idea of trying and even with the sense of being a whale going through a keyhole (Society does terrible things to a normal woman's ego), the guy still loves it and appreciates the effort.  (And of course, having him not be able to see anything helps!)
 — Isabelle5

Re your last comment.  I'd read it more as mixed lust and comedy, so I guess one of us missed the mark.  Likely me.

And thongs are made to be seen, so the blindfold was a bad idea (in reality, not poetically speaking).
 — unknown

Ha-ha... good stuff.
 — jeffkurfess

I'm still grinning - wonderful!
 — dia

this is so cute! but the imagry is a bit of a sexual turn off lol.
 — unknown

Guess you had to be there....hahahahaha!
 — Isabelle5

cute poem, reminds me of a song...spandex enormity, haha
 — jenakajoffer

hahaha this is glorious... :)
 — GreenDreams

Very cute. I love poems about underwear!
Last stanza is perfect.
 — FolleRouge

What a disgusting poem. I'm going to read this at my church poetry contest. 7/10
 — Henry

If I wore it, it wouldn't get lost in my buttcheeks.
 — Henry

i like the wording
 — fahrenheit

again, you've forced the rhythm line to be the slave of the "message". the message is common of course, and i know that common is what you want to express, though i don't know why. people finding funny find it only as good as the next funny thing, and this isn't classic funny.

i'm glad you have an appreciative audience, but i think it keeps you from editing the way you ought to edit.

mike
 — mikebauer

isabelle I personally love this poem; and honestly I am trying to figure out where all the comedy in this poem lies. all I see is a couple willing to do anything for eachother; and find that not funny in the least, it's quite endearing and heartfelt, but then again maybe the fact that I am 21 is causing me to be blind to the humor in compassion. I love this poem but hate some of the comments that it has received
 — turtlepoet

turtle, thanks for the comments.  I find it funny because it was a situation that I could imagine myself in and I would have blindfolded the guy because although I look very good for my age, it takes me a long time to feel 'casual' this way, have to feel very intimate over a period of time - and then pretty much anything goes.  
 — Isabelle5

I meant to add thank you for understanding it's about giving what your partner wants.
 — Isabelle5

Mike, I am not sure about what you mean when you say forced.  Nothing about this was forced, it flowed exactly the way it was meant to and it even made my pious father snicker.   It might not be your thing, which is fine with me.
 — Isabelle5

snide comment, izzy. if you were a woman, i'd resent that. : )

the rhythm: the syllable count is forced. you've got the nines at the beginning, three, and then the ten beat at the end of the stanza. "that embolden'd me to put it on" -- i don't see the point of the extra beat, in other words... and it humps out enough and diminishes the "to put it on"... which should seem to be the point of the line. then the next stanza goes on all over the place... rigid lines, but no balanced rhyme scheme -- and yet it seems you want the formalism. but, it's taking away from the fun of this... the humor is only in what you're saying, by the second stanza, and it reads like it should be a jagged and emotive poem -- because of your jagged line lengths.

mostly you have to read this in some kind of dialect to make it sort of work at all. maybe, other:

i must confess, he stayed turned on,
although i stayed a little shy,
and cute he looked -- in his birthday suit!
and that dear little blindfold tied 'round his eyes.

( by the way, do you see the rhetorical trick in "stayed/ i stayed" how that can cute up a poem and yet still sound clever and the long dash -- used as a pause?
 — mikebauer

I should explain that I do not 'write' poetry.  I write poetry.  I let the words come out the way they come out and if I find it wrong, I fix it.  I'm not into the rules of poetry, I'm into the grammar, the syntax, the beat, which is just fine when I read this.  It's supposed to have a bounce to it and it's supposed to be fun.  

I still don't find this forced even slightly but thank you for trying to enlighten me.
 — Isabelle5

yes, but you are writing poetry, or, at least verse. you've got a style in mind, a feeling, and you've learnt this from other poetry: we're not born with a poem, we write them. if you'd only polish, you'd not have written this english poem -- the polish poem in your head? is it there now, but doesn't have a voice?

the rest of us edit our butts off to find the song in our first draft "thoughts" and moves: trying to find our own voice in the poem, and taking out the talky stuff of "conversation, say it". how did you learn that what you are writing is a real poem? why isn't it a "joke", say, or a "sermon"?
 — mikebauer

Okay, I don't know about how anyone else writes.  I just write, I always have.  I don't consider a form first, generally.  I open my mind to the creative flow and what comes out comes out quickly and generally without much effort.  I thought that's how everyone writes.  It's not a terrific chore and for myself, apart from English classes I've taken or little intrigues where we try to write to style, I can't write within those boundaries.  I touch the computer keys and just go.  There is no mystery to it.  

I don't spend a lot of time thinking if what I write is poetry or not.  I would imagine that many times, it's lyrics, as 90% of my poems come to me with music attached.   If I have to stop to think of a form and a style and then all the other stuff, it's not fun.  I edit a bit but usually, I don't edit too much.  I say what I mean and when I have it, I'm done, except for spot checks.  If I'm happy with it and I have shared a thought that anyone else could understand, I'm content.
 — Isabelle5

yes, but really. how did you learn that what you write is "poetry"... ? why do you say, "i write poetry"? is it from school? and, if so, then you're writing in patterns, yes? like other poets -- as we all must in some way? and why wouldn't you want to make your poems sharper and smarter? who is your audience for these? it's not hallmark, really, because i know actual hallmark writers. very clever people who try to be clever in their verse: that's why hallmark pays them.
 — mikebauer

I'm not sure how to explain.  I grew up with writers, my whole family writes, even the grandchildren write!  I think that if you grow up hearing poetry read to you, listen to a variety of music and song, it just gets into you and of course, you learn the form of your language.  I polish my poems before anyone sees them.  I don't post what I don't like, usually.  If I do, I read it here, in the small print and if I don't find it appealing, it goes away.
 — Isabelle5

come now isabelle that is awefully selfish don't you think? sometimes the best poetry is that which no one likes . (in reference to subject matter)
 — turtlepoet

Selfish how?  I write what I like to read.  I can't write what I don't like.  If I don't like my poem, I delete it.  Why would I inflict something I don't even like on unsuspecting poets?  You should be glad!
 — Isabelle5

I would love to know who writes those rotten whore comments.  Coward.
 — Isabelle5

Email me at berglundemily@yahoo.com and I will tell you who I am and why I say you are a whore and a lousy writer. I will give you my phone # and address as well, if you'd like.
 — unknown

I see what Mike is saying.  I am lucky because I know the sound I had in mind when I wrote it.  If you heard it the way I hear it, there is nothing forced at all, it clicks along at a good, steady beat with a little "hop" at the end of some lines.

Imagine a woman in a skirt turning to sit on a chair or couch.  She sits then does the normal little flip of the hem.  That's how to read this, fast and flippy.  Don't think it to death or it will lose the charm inherent, as the older woman laughs at herself in this unusual, though provocative, situation with a very young lover.
 — Isabelle5

You like younger men or young boys, don't you, Isabelle.
 — unknown

that's the difficulty with our poetry, i think, isabelle... it's how to get the hop to read to the reader. i think we do it through weird line-breaks and strange spellings... so that the reader slows or skips in the way we want them to.

my stuff is videotaped for poetry t.v., and there's a record of it, of how it's supposed to sound, so i don't get totally torked worrying when someone can't read me... most can, anyway. but, what if it's that occasion where you haven't that option? Bernard Shaw actually invented his own phonetic alphabet for forcing the reader to read his piece -- which is, really, only like what a music composer does in a score... Webern had very tight metro-marks and very specific directions written in the score... and what about Gerard Manley Hopkins? -- fine poet, who put diacritical marks on voiced syllables... this works fine for me "God's Grandeur" is a wonderful poem, and has to be read as he marked it to be read at all as a poem....
 — mikebauer

how refreshing.
 — varun

Dumb stuff.
 — unknown

Learn how to write.
 — unknown

Hahahaha!  The problem is that young men like ME!  I don't mind, I'm not getting married again or having more children so it doesn't matter about age anymore.  
 — Isabelle5

Age is just a number, Isabelle.
 — unknown

Mikebauer is a major asshole. Don't you agree, Isabelle?
 — unknown

Sorry, I can't agree about Mike, I only know that I don't understand most of what he posts but whether he is what you say?  No idea!  
 — Isabelle5

You are a sexy woman, don't you agree, Isabelle?
 — unknown

When I have all my illusions in place (and this lovely red thong), I can appear sexy.  It's in the eye of the beholder and if he thinks so, I play along.  hahaha  I'll NEVER post a picture here, that's for sure!
 — Isabelle5

I'd send you a hundred bucks if you would post a photo, Babe.
 — unknown

Reading this poem makes me a little horny.
 — MelissaK

You would $100 disappointed so thank you, no.  
 — Isabelle5

ya, I would definitely be using the blindfold and no lights on! I guess I am very prude and shy when it comes to anything like that. I guess that's good considering I'm so young. lol.

good poem.
 — nightengale

Post a photo and show us all how sexy you are.
 — unknown

Isabelle is very sexy. And irresistable.
 — unknown

Esoteric is an asshole, don't you agree, Isabelle?
 — unknown

I want to buy some of Isabelle's underwear.
 — unknown

The vulgar comments toward Isabell% better stop now.
 — pelican

this is nice. Honest and amusing.
 — icepineapple

Learn how to spell, pelican.
 — unknown

"was as sexy as an inner tube."

This line is horribly unrelated to the story.  Your desperate search for a rhyme was far too obvious.
 — steveroggenb

I guess you have to be a woman to understand that line.  It does fit and I did not struggle for a rhyme.  Thanks for reading!
 — Isabelle5

this sucks...unless your a hormonal 13 year old girl.
 — unknown

Sorry you feel that way.  I'm content with it and I am so far from being a hormonal 13 year old girl.

You might want to work on your critiquing skills.  Your comments helped no one.  
 — Isabelle5

lovely... how i want sex to be like when i'm middle aged xx
 — Bobby

Very cute, funny charming poem, Isabelle.
 — Nostalgia

Would you mind looking at my latest attempt? I value your opinion and suggestions...
 — Nostalgia

Funny. The last line is out of sequence terribly. For an example that would work better (but not that great):

Loosing the blindfold from his eyes,
I must confess he was still turned on,
looking real cute in his birthday suit,
we proceeded to our rendezvous.
 — unknown

i love this .
 — sir_I_clan

Love the punch line.
 — skinnyJon

oh my god i laughed my ass off at this...didn't take it very seriously, i must admit, but it was funny. never can pull that off myself, funny in a poem, i mean. i wrote a sonnet about a thong and smokin' weed years back and nobody "got" it. lol.
 — gem_grrrl

Gem, I hope to Heaven no one takes this seriously!  If you can't see that it is a spoof through and through, I need to hang up my pen and go home!
 — Isabelle5

kk good, but you never know. lol
 — gem_grrrl

To the 'unknown' above - take comfort in the fact that once upon a time, briefly at least,  your mother might well have loved you.
 — unknown

what a fun read!

thoroughly enjoyed, especially the blindfold. i have sooooo been there!
 — plb

Honest (presumably!) and very amusing.  It would make a GREAT Beryl Cook painting! Shame she's dead!
 — MarcusLane

l17 I must confess he was still turned on,

why must YOU confess to someone else's state? suerly it is the 'he' who would be confessing to anything 'he' was doing? i think this line should be changed.

nice poem
 — chuckle_s

I knew this was yours Isabelle!

Well done and right on the money.  Excellent close--started my morning off with a laugh which is the best way to start the day--especially a day off with pay!
 — sybarite

chuckels, I thought I changed that word years ago!  Thanks for the reminder.  
 — Isabelle5

well i heard the auditors are going to be here for a walk-through, so i'd hate to see anyone get in trouble for anything being amiss.
 — chuckle_s

As long as their blindfolds hold up, we're all safe!  grin
 — Isabelle5

LOL
 — BxPR

Cute poem that would make a great song.
 — Virgie

hahaha
 — infinity

Wonderfully Isabelle!  Down-to-earth and relatable with a wry touch of humor.  The best thing about your poetry is the very human humanity it always contains.  
 — sybarite

The blindfold really makes this for me . . . it's almost an O. Henry ending because he isn't allowed to see what he asked for.
 — vincent287

9-12 is freakin funny.

the next stanza screams 'ew'

amusing- and put together well.
thongs do irritate. but sometimes they are fun.
;)
 — mandolyn

mikebauer has a lot of constructive things to say about the art of poetry. put your ego's aside and learn from what is said to improve your craft. this isn't about ego's, its about helping each other in art, and the chief aim of poetry 'critical' workshop is to be 'work' through the poems and learn to improve. calling someone 'a major asshole' and dismissing everything he says is ludicrous. i really don't think mike is trying call someone an 'asshole' when he gives his thoughts as to why or why not a poem is working up to its potential. these young and fragile ego's who strike out blindly would do well to relax a little, not get so offended, and learn what we can. we all have something to teach and we all something to learn - only with a open mind and a quiet ego can ever hope to truly learn the craft of beauty.
 — unknown

Why are you saying something about Mike here, unless you're Mike?
 — Isabelle5

why, isabelle, are you playing the "unk's move" and thinking that you can kill me by inciting the mob against me? this wasn't my post, of course. but, it does say something here about critical consciousness, and maybe that's why you don't get it. being critically conscious means wanting the good, not just wanting friends in low places.
 — cadmium

As usual, I have no idea what you're talking about, Mike.  I was responding to the unknown about my comment, what are you responding to?  Certainly not my poem!

I'm not trying to kill you, never threatened to kill you or harm you in any way so it must be paranoia talking.  I did my best to help you here, you know it's true.
 — Isabelle5

"open mind and a quiet ego" and reference to bauer in the same paragraph??  LOL!
 — unknown

Simple, direct, sweet....what more could you say? Nice
 — Avery33

the one thing this poem has unreservedly proved is mike bauer is an asshole.
 — unknown

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