|mirage on bridge street
just as one lush heartbeat falters --
suspended, glistening, of all times forgetting
to continue beating --
i've been thinking that all good things must
come to an end
our dreams were like schools of fish,
teeming with life
to be false
so, i have no reason to complain
now they're fleeting.
like another fairytale,
my soul dissolves into
a disjointed stream of thought
that is greater
than its parts.)
sometimes, your story winds through my mind,
"nothing gold can stay."
even though you never tried
to avoid the consequences
or believe in
the outcomes, where
you and i
probably lived happily ever after --
together in a torrential downpour
of lavender rain that
stained everything but our
comfortable attempt at
life, so wonderfully unfamiliar.
15 Jun 05
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This is really just me playing with structure and form. It's an expression of what I've been feeling, lately.
i like it. a lil different.
i like the structure and form
makes it nice
Thanks, guys. ^^
First stanza, line twenty three, last stanza could be stronger. Try writing this in the same format, theme without the word "love"--it draws too much away from it, and makes it more sappy, less...fresh. I love stanza two, three, four, five and half of six, seven and eight. Just the parts I mentioned are quite weak--too much descripstions, not eough imagery like the part about thoughts being a school of fish.
My goodness, I love the second stanza. The title is great, too.
This made me less seick of this site and all its rubbish; thank you for that. Please, please tighten this up, and make it stronger. It has great potential.
Thanks, wendz. I'll think carefully about what you've commented on. Personally, the first stanza is one of my favorites -- but it is my poem, after all. A little bit of an objective view helps. Regardless:
Thanks for making a comment that finally made me smile. : )
Edited, as per the request of wendz. I left the first stanza alone -- I agree, it could use some work, but I'm not quite sure what to do with it right now. The biggest impact would be that I completely revamped the last stanza, and changed the message in l23.
I like the edits made. Maybe just something from the first version's alst stanza to round it off? If memory serves me correctly, there was something about "wonderfully unusual" as a line in it? I can't remember, but I remember thinking "Wow.".
I'm glad you write, your stuff refreshes my love for poetry.
Oh, and I'm glad you left the first stanza--it suits the poem fine now. I like the change of line twenty three, too. I've always loved that poem by Frost. Well done, and scored.
Minor changes made. Again, thanks wendz. : )
So dawn goes down to day.
This charms me if only because I just finished a poem concerning Frost and rain. Would oust the comma after 'together' at the end, seems to slow it down a bit. Approval.
thanks, joeci. i can't believe i missed that comment for so long.
I enjoyed the latout and the lyrical quality of this poem
; Excellent poem. The disjointed stream of thought that is greater then its parts and the part where you say: somtimes, your story winds through my mind,/whispering/ "nothing gold can stay" and " the outsomes, where / you and i/ probably lived happily ever after--/togtether in a torrential downpour/ of lavender rain that/ stained everything but our comfortable attempt at life, so/ wonderfully/ unfamiliar" Ouch how real and deeply wise. I am inspired! and I have to cry too, becasue that is life..painful and with seeming eventualities that go on without us while we have these temporal moments that we are so fickle about. Wow! the first I've read of yours but I will keep reading!
love the way this sounds, awesome tone and descending of the words, adds to the lyrical quality of it. the one line ... nothing gold can stay ... Frost, right? good use of it. like parenthetical use. this piece is rare, i think. maybe seen the format before but it's hard to pull it off.