poetry critical

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the buzz of snickering gnomes lulls me to sleep
as laser lights contort and pulse for me
to the music that I know from my life in utero
this is my private bedtime show
water warms, milk steams and froths
my dancing room ticks and tocks
as I fall with each inhalation
rising again in flip sensation

i made time for this each day~i just loved feeling this way

19 Jun 05

Rated 7.7 (7.4) by 3 users.
Active (3): 8, 9
Inactive (13): 1, 2, 5, 5, 5, 6, 6, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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what's with the title?
 — tiedtoes

this is sweet.  it reminds me of that scene with Michele Pfiefer in A Midsummer Night's Dream where she's trying to fall asleep.
 — themolly

It's a good start. I think it could use some editing, but it has some nice expression and a definite personal feel.


L3 I think I understand the phrasing of this, but the "to" at the beginning of the line seems a bit unnecessary. The previous line stated that the lights were for the speaker, I'm not sure it's necessary to then state that it's also in time with the music of this line. In other words, it confuses slightly because you're saying two similar but different things about it.

L4 Although I like the sentiment, the capitalization of "MY" is a bit much, I think. It overemphasizes something that should be showing through on its own. Just a thought.

Ll9-10 These lines state so much of the same thought that they're kind of redundant. Either would work well enough on its own, better even. I know you'd lose the rhyme there, but you don't seem to have kept strictly enough to it to be a great loss.

In any case, I liked this well enough. It could use some work but if the original is any signal, the author has skill enough to improve it. Thanks.
 — dandy

thanks.  i'll edit later
 — unknown

sorry, i have no advice to give you.  um, just keep on writing.  (;  this poem is quite unique and interesting, though!  (;
 — ducktape

Lovede the first line and the secret show feel of this well structured poem
 — larrylark

this gets a 1 from me, themollys friend.
 — unknown

this makes no sense whatsoever.
 — unknown

thank you.
are there any suggestions?
 — Estrella

Very Good!  Nice edit!
 — unknown

 — unknown

why is it awful?  couldn't you explain that?.?.?
 — Estrella

sweetie, this rules.  don't listen to bignose asshole over there.
 — themolly

This sounds so cool, but I think that the semi-rhyme in the first stanza followed by the complete ryme in the second sounds a bit odd.

And I think maybe dropping the last two lines, or having them as a footnote would be a good idea, since they sound too, well, ordinary to be up there with all those other wicked-sounding words.
 — Lia

l 7/8 be careful with "ation" rhymes. there are so many "ation" words, that unless the rhyme is clearly orchestrated and perfect in rhythm, etc, it sticks out like a sore thumb

also, i'd get rid of line 10, it should be either understood by the reader, or said in different words

other than that, i love this. really.
 — Ananke

thank you everyone
 — unknown

is the 'ation' rhyme better?
 — Estrella

a bit, yes,

l9 is worse though. "~"s scream emo livejournaler

how about just switching them around? take out the "i just", it's self explained

love feeling this way.
i make time for this each day.
 — Ananke

thank you very much everyone
 — Estrella

I just noticed that onklcrispy has me on his favorites, but he never commented on this.  that's strange.......
 — Estrella

Down-Bee is what I called my bottle when I was a baby.
 — Estrella

this is so great!  I think I know the feeling.  Being seduced by your bed. mmmm sleep zzzzzzzzzz
 — JessieVideo

i'm always getting seduced by inanimate objects.  is that weird?
 — Estrella

sounds like an acid trip eh
 — nullus

but a good one
 — nullus

ok.  I suppose that could be accurate, but that would be saying that my normal life is a trip.  ok.
 — Estrella

I really love this. It piques my imagination to think of a baby thinking this way.

Line 6 very beautiful

Line 9 love it

Well done on creating such a special poem.

 — unknown

Thank you.  That's a bit of what I was aiming for so I am pleased to hear someone got what I intended.

DownBee is what I called my bottle when I was small.
 — Estrella

 — themolly

shut your mouth.

 — Estrella

i like the way you wrote this. i was looking for something solid and this is solid. maybe not as many words as i would have liked them to have but that's just me, this is a good piece.
 — listen

thank you listen
 — Estrella

I wish you'd drop the "~"s and separate line 9 into two lines. originality and experimentation are good things, but really, the tilde has no place in a poem in English.

I also think this might have worked better if you dropped the rhymes. L1 and 2 are a stretch of a rhyme, while the rest are close rhymes, which makes the rythm feel disjointed. also, line 5-6 feel forced into a rhyme. water steaming and milk frothing are not bad images, but what purpose do they serve in this piece? as it stands, it feels like the froth images serves simply to rhyme with the subsequent line.

otherwise this was pretty good. I really liked L1 and I was hooked from the beginning. really, though, the tildes make this feel childish and I would take them out if you want it to be accepted as a real piece of poetry.

 — theair

stil suks
 — unknown

down-bee is what I called my bottle when I was a baby.

this is about bedtime as a child....does that help?
 — Estrella

I have a friend named Bee. If he got on me, I'd say more than Down Bee. I'd probably say get the ^#%$% ^%@ down Bee. No rating.
 — Henry

down-bee is what I called my bottle when I was a baby
 — Estrella

snickering gnomes...did you sleep in the garden with the moonrays?
nah, just kidding,
i thought this was great.
made me think of baby's gloworm.
 — jenakajoffer

thank you. That's sort of what I was going for. Much appreciated.
 — Estrella

: )
 — fractalcore

awww thanks
 — Estrella

Just because this is silly and whimsical doesn't mean it's good. It is however "not bad." 6/10
 — Poe

great. thanks
 — Estrella