| Down-Bee
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Estrella
| the buzz of snickering gnomes lulls me to sleep | 1 |
as laser lights contort and pulse for me | 2 |
to the music that I know from my life in utero | 3 |
this is my private bedtime show | 4 |
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water warms, milk steams and froths | 5 |
my dancing room ticks and tocks | 6 |
as I fall with each inhalation | 7 |
rising again in flip sensation | 8 |
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i made time for this each day~i just loved feeling this way |
19 Jun 05 |
Rated 8.2 (7.4) by 12 users.
Active (12): 5, 5, 8, 9, 9, 10
Inactive (4): 1, 2, 5, 6, 6, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(19 more poems by this author)
(3 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
what's with the title?
— tiedtoes
this is sweet. it reminds me of that scene with Michele Pfiefer in A Midsummer Night's Dream where she's trying to fall asleep.
— themolly
It's a good start. I think it could use some editing, but it has some nice expression and a definite personal feel.
Suggestions:
L3 I think I understand the phrasing of this, but the "to" at the beginning of the line seems a bit unnecessary. The previous line stated that the lights were for the speaker, I'm not sure it's necessary to then state that it's also in time with the music of this line. In other words, it confuses slightly because you're saying two similar but different things about it.
L4 Although I like the sentiment, the capitalization of "MY" is a bit much, I think. It overemphasizes something that should be showing through on its own. Just a thought.
Ll9-10 These lines state so much of the same thought that they're kind of redundant. Either would work well enough on its own, better even. I know you'd lose the rhyme there, but you don't seem to have kept strictly enough to it to be a great loss.
In any case, I liked this well enough. It could use some work but if the original is any signal, the author has skill enough to improve it. Thanks.
— dandy
thanks. i'll edit later
— unknown
sorry, i have no advice to give you. um, just keep on writing. (; this poem is quite unique and interesting, though! (;
— ducktape
Lovede the first line and the secret show feel of this well structured poem
— larrylark
this gets a 1 from me, themollys friend.
— unknown
this makes no sense whatsoever.
— unknown
thank you.
are there any suggestions?
— Estrella
Very Good! Nice edit!
— unknown
awful.
— unknown
why is it awful? couldn't you explain that?.?.?
— Estrella
sweetie, this rules. don't listen to bignose asshole over there.
— themolly
This sounds so cool, but I think that the semi-rhyme in the first stanza followed by the complete ryme in the second sounds a bit odd.
And I think maybe dropping the last two lines, or having them as a footnote would be a good idea, since they sound too, well, ordinary to be up there with all those other wicked-sounding words.
— Lia
l 7/8 be careful with "ation" rhymes. there are so many "ation" words, that unless the rhyme is clearly orchestrated and perfect in rhythm, etc, it sticks out like a sore thumb
also, i'd get rid of line 10, it should be either understood by the reader, or said in different words
other than that, i love this. really.
— Ananke
thank you everyone
— unknown
is the 'ation' rhyme better?
— Estrella
a bit, yes,
l9 is worse though. "~"s scream emo livejournaler
how about just switching them around? take out the "i just", it's self explained
love feeling this way.
i make time for this each day.
— Ananke
thank you very much everyone
— Estrella
I just noticed that onklcrispy has me on his favorites, but he never commented on this. that's strange.......
— Estrella
Down-Bee is what I called my bottle when I was a baby.
— Estrella
this is so great! I think I know the feeling. Being seduced by your bed. mmmm sleep zzzzzzzzzz
— JessieVideo
i'm always getting seduced by inanimate objects. is that weird?
— Estrella
sounds like an acid trip eh
— nullus
but a good one
— nullus
ok. I suppose that could be accurate, but that would be saying that my normal life is a trip. ok.
— Estrella
I really love this. It piques my imagination to think of a baby thinking this way.
Line 6 very beautiful
Line 9 love it
Well done on creating such a special poem.
smugzy
— unknown
Thank you. That's a bit of what I was aiming for so I am pleased to hear someone got what I intended.
DownBee is what I called my bottle when I was small.
— Estrella
awwwwww
— themolly
shut your mouth.
:)
— Estrella
i like the way you wrote this. i was looking for something solid and this is solid. maybe not as many words as i would have liked them to have but that's just me, this is a good piece.
— listen
thank you listen
— Estrella
I wish you'd drop the "~"s and separate line 9 into two lines. originality and experimentation are good things, but really, the tilde has no place in a poem in English.
I also think this might have worked better if you dropped the rhymes. L1 and 2 are a stretch of a rhyme, while the rest are close rhymes, which makes the rythm feel disjointed. also, line 5-6 feel forced into a rhyme. water steaming and milk frothing are not bad images, but what purpose do they serve in this piece? as it stands, it feels like the froth images serves simply to rhyme with the subsequent line.
otherwise this was pretty good. I really liked L1 and I was hooked from the beginning. really, though, the tildes make this feel childish and I would take them out if you want it to be accepted as a real piece of poetry.
air
— theair
stil suks
— unknown
down-bee is what I called my bottle when I was a baby.
this is about bedtime as a child....does that help?
— Estrella
I have a friend named Bee. If he got on me, I'd say more than Down Bee. I'd probably say get the ^#%$% ^%@ down Bee. No rating.
— Henry
down-bee is what I called my bottle when I was a baby
— Estrella
snickering gnomes...did you sleep in the garden with the moonrays?
nah, just kidding,
i thought this was great.
made me think of baby's gloworm.
=-)
— jenakajoffer
thank you. That's sort of what I was going for. Much appreciated.
— Estrella
lovely.
: )
— fractalcore
awww thanks
— Estrella
Just because this is silly and whimsical doesn't mean it's good. It is however "not bad." 6/10
— Poe
great. thanks
— Estrella
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