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Goodbye my friend-Repost
lodza

Your sorrow will
 1
be deducted from
 2
my share of paradise.
 3

25 Jun 05

Rated 9 (8.5) by 1 users.
Active (1): 9
Inactive (5): 5, 6, 9, 10, 10

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Comments:

Line 1 - Goodbye is one word
Line 10 - is "thus" the best word? Can you think of anything better? Even "so" would suffice.
Line 24 - "voice, then" (space after the comma)

Good poem :)
 — Lia

Really good poem in a deceptively simple style
 — larrylark

Lia
line 1 : I fixed it
Line 10: No " so" wouldn't suffice
Line 24: your space after the comma thing is beginning to scare me.
 — lodza

I am SORRY.

I CAN'T HELP these things. I get OBSESSIVE. I don't know why. But I like things to be PERFECT. I can't understand why you HAVE NOT NOTICED BEFORE.
 — Lia

life is so chaotic, random, and messy. i like little things to be tidy, correct, to give some order to the world. the things i can control, i do so to the best of my ability.

but this is your poem, and not mine, and i have to accept that.
 — Lia

OK LIA I GET THE OBSSESSIVE COMPULSIVE THING - just relax with the capitals -ok?
 — lodza

You and me got a connection...18-23 are amazingly heartfelt.  All I can say is wow.
 — SaleenDriva

some one actually read this yes . The person i wrote this for hasn't read this yet . irnoy she probably won't get it. -tragedy
 — lodza

I love it! who did youo write it for? It seems as though someone you were friends with left, or died. I really love it. 10
 — ForeverAlone

I decided to radically change the poem .I felt the other one was too wordy , too dramatic,filled with emo drivel. I hope this one is less bogged down by psuedo feelings and more poignant.
 — lodza

Ah, what a lovely little haiku this would make. As it is, it is still quite marvellous. I would suggest changing the title; it's rather drab and sounds too emo, and could deter readers from the body itself. Well written; good work.
 — unknown

lia said if i reposted this people woukld note the changes . for her sake i hope she was right.
 — lodza

: (

i like ~those are the hardest break ups.....
 — unknown

it's all about expectations!! i really liike your poem.  
 — crepaway

thanx
 — lodza

and how bout my Escalade?

Warren Jeffs
 — unknown

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