|You Are Not My Cherry Tree
|Yeah, i'm not very creative. Especially with titles, it seems.|
you are not my cherry tree
nor my glass of wine
when you have turned from grapes-
all that i can find
we will not be together
not to walk the timid shores
and i will not glance aside
to see other maidens bore
you last the first round and turn
that supple milk to honey again
from the beginning burning
and seeing that soft smile whiten
sweeten me while i ripen the roots
and turn the dirt on itself
the way they say a poet might do
closing the door behind you
when all is sought and found
and the war is finally at its knees
i shalt begin again
you are not my cherry tree
7 Jul 05
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Not good. I just don't like it. Punctuate, and either rhyme or don't, but follow a continuous theme. A lot of the things that do rhyme are very forced- roots+you, wine+find. Edit.
sorry, i guess the style wasnt very explicit. the rhyming sequence was intentional. it was intended to be symbolic of the breaking up relationship. and while i'd like to pretend the forcing was the rhyme was intentional too, it wasn't. i just dont rhyme that well.
the lack of punctuation was also intentional. the way the break-ups go. unordered, usually not following some social script, however having the idea of what's going on basically evident.
nonetheless, i'll try to make it more explicit next time so that you might enjoy it. and i'm sorry you didnt like it. thank you for the comments.
Personally I like lines 1-8; but lines 9-12 I did not understand because they seemed to me to contrst the tone / and perspective of the poem and it does not rhyme like the previous two stanzas. lines 13-16 intrigue me but the metaphors are not attached to anything concrete enough to understand the implied meanings. Something about this poem I definately like, it is worth the editing that would make it more understood and constant.
In line 19, "shalt" is not a first person conjugation, it's second person--either "you shalt" or "thou shalt" but never "I shalt" or "they shalt" or "he/she shalt." Use "shall" instead.
For titles, you might consider something involving George Washington (and his cherry-tree exploits) "I am not George Washington" though that might add an element of humor that's discontinuous with your intended meaning. Your poetry is good enough that you shouldn't be hard-pressed to come up with a good title. Put your mind to it, and you'll have something amazing to complement the poem. Alternatively, consider using your current title, and eliminating the first line of the poem, in essence using the title as the first line instead of repeating yourself.
Riverwriter2, it's way too late in the evening for me to take a good grounding on your suggestions. But thank you, I'll definitely relook at this work and try to encompass your improvements.
phyridean, you're right about line 19 - thank you. And you're also right about titles, I don't really think too much about them. In fact, I probably wouldn't title too much if PC didn't have the option staring me in the face each time. Nonetheless, I do need to consider them more fully, thank you.