poetry critical

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A Boy and His Dog aka Don’t Call Me That!

I told him that I quit dating  
because all men are pigs.
He snorted and vowed that he was
the exception to every rule.
We agreed to have dinner,
and I have to say,
we were both dressed to kill
that first night.
Things were going well
until I sneezed over his truffles
and a button popped from
the front of my blouse.
He meant to say “Bless you”
but it came out “Oink.”
I bared my teeth,
took a chunk of his tender pink loin,
licking my lips over the droplets.
My tail was all elegant plume
as I turned to trot away.
I heard him squeal “Bitch!”
so I lifted my leg
and peed on his shoe  –
Hey, I know females squat
but I have 3 brothers.

18 Jul 05

Rated 8.5 (8.2) by 2 users.
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 — noodleman

Thanks.  I had a bad date this week-end, can you tell?
 — Isabelle5

It must have been REALLY bad! LOL
 — tiny

made me laugh a lot - reminds me of a haiku I wrote in the voice of Circe ages ago.
I think you were a bit posessed by her spirit and had popped something in his vino. A really witty and well-observed evocation of a certain situation.
 — opal

If Circe is a goddess, perhaps.  It turned out okay but as I was taking him out to celebrate his promotion and raise, it was not the best time to tell me about his getting a new woman's phone number and calling her, even if she did hang up on him!  Bad, bad timing!
 — Isabelle5

This is funny, but it doesn't read as 'poetry' to me (whatever that is). I see it more as flash fiction: a short little, to-the-point prose.
 — Rixes

I find this is more poetry to me than some of the rambling all over the place stuff, but I agree, it does lean toward the prosey side of things.
 — Isabelle5

 — MissMay

Honestly? I don't like it much. Let me tell you what I DO like.

The first stanza. Classic. Can be built on. I hate the hammering of the pig thing. The simple snort makes me smile... otherwise it's too much. Again, the bitch thing works, too. But... too much hammering.

's Cute though. I guess. ;)

 — ramher

Potentially great, but it seems, to me, as a one write poem. The title doesn't do much for me, either. Although it should be something that alludes to the situation.  You'll figure it out.

 — ramher

The name was going to be Who You Callin' Bitch?  Didn't seem quite as to the point as A Boy and His Dog.  

It is definitely a "one write" piece.  I tend to write simple and clear, no guessing.  Which also means, of course, could border on boredom if you aren't in the mood for simplicity.

Thanks for all the comments.

She dogg
 — Isabelle5

Ha! I really like the woman behind this piece! She has spirit and gusto! You paint the 2 daters with distinct and original voices. Great job! The ending is fantastic! Made me laugh!
 — BlueRock

oh isabelle, completely priceless hahahaha, my feelings exactly.
 — shadowskiss

I like the metaphors.
 — winter

lol.  This is excellent.  Wonderful use of the pig and dog metaphors.  The imagery in general is very nice.  I can't think of any improvements that could be made on this just yet, I'm too busy enjoying it.  Love L13 & 14 and 23 & 24.  Well written. =)

 — unknown

Was this tough to understand?  My sister, who is an English major, said she didn't get it.  I thought it was clear but I can help if anyone is stumped.
 — Isabelle5

Yes please!!!

Explanations and tips are always welcome, lol.
 — Wix

HAHAHAHAHA!!!  this is great!  so true, too.  well, most of the time, anyway :)

i was just wondering, what is there to not understand?  am i missing something completely?  i think i must be, otherwise, why would so many others be stumped?
i’ll be back later…got to go now but still curious…
 — woman_power

Well, I thought it was simple but it's in my head.  Here goes.

The woman does not want to date and get hurt again but the man convinces her that he's not a pig, he's good, take a risk.  So she does but they both dress up in costumes that will devastate and dazzle the other.  (dressed to kill).

She is allergic to what he orders (he takes charge and orders what he likes - pigs love truffles, a kind of mushroom, and are used in France to sniff them out in the forest).  She sneezes (a metaphor for not really being comfortable with him taking charge and not asking what she wants) and her button pops open, exposing some skin.   The guy tries to be mature and say bless you but he is a pig after all and the sight of some breast inspires Oink!  

The bitch in the woman comes to the top and she bites him, metaphorically, then in full Bitch attire (the plume is a full, beautiful doggie tail help upright to signify alpha dog) and of course, dogs trot.

The man makes the mistake of calling her Bitch; she responds by lifting her leg to pee in his shoe - a metaphor for Piss on you!  And although she is utterly feminine and womanly, she was raised around guys so if you push her, she can beat you at the game.

Better now?
 — Isabelle5


Thanks Isabelle, lol, felt so silly asking.  Yes that's what I thought EXCEPT I thought the woman turned into a horse and I wondered if she actually did wee on his hoot and then I wondered ..well why would she do such a thing and was then confused ...but yes I get it completely now. HAHA very good!
 — Wix

Maybe pee on his shoe could be dumped his beer in his lap if you're shy!  I'm very pleased that readers know it's tongue in cheek and meant to be fun, not great deep poetry.
 — Isabelle5

This is hilarious!! made me picture it, which made me laugh out loud all the more
 — kitkat

Playful, eccentric...


 — meaka

ah!  brilliant!  oh yeah, definitely a favorite now... :)

wow, thanks for that extensive explanation!  i was just wondering if i was completely not getting some huge part of it or something-you said your sister didn't get it and then i think some others had difficulty, but i thought i understood it pretty completely when i read it. and it turns out, i did get most of it.  there were a couple things that i didn't pick up on, however.  one was that i didn't get the sense that he ordered what he wanted without asking her.  i got the pig-and-truffle thing, but i guess i didn't realize that uh, hello!-that’s probably not exactly what a dog wants!  haha...  the other thing was that i didn't get -everything- the last 2 lines were saying.  but i love them now!
amazing-even your "one write pieces", as you called it, that you write "simply and clearly" stump us and are great!  i love this, i love reading all your poetry!
 — woman_power

I dig 23-24,
perfect way to end this funny poem.
 — Krttika

Never liked the word bitch applied to any woman regardless of whatever reasons there may be. But then men are often referred to by women as dogs too so perhaps that's how it came to be this way. I really like the end of this poem!
 — wamblicante

Hmmm. Chanced upon this as a random, and I find it intrepid and amusing in a wincing, grimacing way. Colourful, brash and all out descriptive joy.

Kudos to you, Isabelle X 5

 — borntodance

i didnt do it.
 — TheO1dCrow

your date just got like, poet served
 — TheO1dCrow

How does that work?  I didn't know poets pwned...
 — MandersXX

they can always try. besides, you got to throw these poets a bone(not to say your a dog isabelle) every once in a while. they dont have anything else going for them in life and if they screw this poetry stuff up then what good are they?
 — TheO1dCrow

That was a cool pun.
 — MandersXX

of course i do know of one way they could have something else going for them...

hey isabelle, what are you doing this weekend? why not hang out with me?(dont answer that) ill show you what a real mans all about.
 — TheO1dCrow

aw...i love this poem.
 — dannny

Depends where you live, my friend.  
 — Isabelle5

do that map thing and youll find out.
 — TheO1dCrow

I like your attitude girl!
You must be a Harlan Ellison fan!
 — violet

Very cute, my favorites were the two middle stanzas.
 — unknown

this is pretty hilarious. sorry your date sucked, but at least it gave birth to a great poem, eh?
 — missmurder

It wasn't a real date, just imagination.
 — Isabelle5

I must say this caught me quite by surprise. It made me laugh.

maybe just say "(I have 3 brothers)" for the last stanza (it sounds a tad self-conscious as is now.)
 — Virgil

 — psychofemale

Hey Isabelle, Ran into this on the front page, Great poem.  Many laughs and smiles.
 — Known

LOL!! nice!! larfed out loud. Eddy
 — unknown