getting over you
I know what to do
embrace this hurt
pain is bearable
if you don't resist
see the sun shining
through morning mist
even in loss
take heart in
enough to feel
that love is real
21 Jul 05
Rated 7.7 (8.8) by 3 users.
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To be read out loud
while there is a predictible rhyme scheme to be
followed throughout the course of this poem, it
does lend itself nicely to the vagrancies
of the tip of the tongue.
however, you probably should change
'borne' in l5. i don't think it gets the
point across well enough to be
completely effective. there're other words
that as simply say the same thing.
in line 10, should be 'hazy".
drop the e.
i think my favorite part
was the last stanza.
oh! and the title.
is there a pun
that i'm not getting?
probably be more suited
with a different name.
Thank you for your comments midare. I was a bit scared about this one.
I've corrected my hazey mistake.
Line 5 pain is bearable was my original thought. what do you think?
The oxymoron of the title was meant to suggest the relationship between beauty and pain. Maybe it fails.
oxymoron is to be one's own worst enemy of sorts, perhaps. I am not sure about your definition but I love:
take heart in
enough to feel
that love is real
Thank you Wix. I am taking heart from your comments at this moment....:-)
I intended to suggest that finding beauty in pain is oxymoronical.
This concept has been done often, but is so valid that it can be written about again and again. Just avoid using words/phrases that have already been used and used, e.g. “heart” “sun shining” or “love is real”.
The emotional pain of lost love, to me, is gritty, like sand in the eyes. So I’d like to see you use more grit in the beginning to contrast the optimism in the ending.
I like the short lines—adds a choppiness that can give the reader a nostalgic gut punch—most have felt what you’re talking about. To make the punch harder, more memorable, I think you should prune out some unnecessary words. Maybe make it read like an instruction manual or cookbook.
I don’t think you need to use “simple” twice.
Not sure you need line 3 at all.
Probably could cut the passive “be” in line 4.
Make the third strophe a description of what will come to be if the instructions in the second are followed?
I'll be back to check in. Won't rate until you tell me you're done.
even in loss...
i love these lines, they're so true.
Thank you for your comments housepoppy. You are a hard taskmaster!! But I so much appreciate the sense in what you say.
Just a thought though. Reading other people's comments people really seem to like the last 4 lines.
I want this to be better. And I think a total rewrite might be in order to satisfy my own desire not to be cliched and not to let my emotions run away with me.
But it begs the question, who do we write for? Of course, we write for ourselves but for others to appreciate our work too. If I edit/change this out of all recognition does it matter? Or should I write a new poem and keep this one? Or...I just wondered what your own take is on this? When you edit a poem, taking into account people's comments about what they like/dislike, do you think keeping in bits poeple like could affect your artistic integrity? I myself am not totally convinced that the last 4 lines aren't cheesy but they did come from the heart.
Anyway, maybe this would be better on the messageboard. Your thoughts would be welcome though.
Thanks for your comments majan. I will read your other poems too when I have a chance...:-)
I like the skipping rhythm! This is sing-songy in a fantastic way. AND THE TITLE IS PERFECT.
Likewise, I love the last stanza best.
I will be back soon with a longer crit,
must sleep now.
Great to see you around wendz. I was missing your old stuff because you removed it from the site. Your prerogative I know, but I did love some of it, the one about your dad and the kite in particular?
Just think - you write stuff, it moves people, they remember it, and then they miss it. Think about putting it back?
i like this poem. i don't know why. but i do.
Well I'm just pleased you like it........:-)
I think the last part is cheezy but that doesn't mean that people won't like it.
I think that the best thing you can go for here is sifting through those who read for sentiment (and there are plenty here) and those who are fussy about writing and editing and who think of poetry as a craft, (those people are here as well).
If you wan't my honest opinion
rework the ending or lose the last staza.
your poem will thank you.
I must admit I'm not a big fan of endline rhyme either.
Cheers (your straight shooting friend)
effective in the sense I forgot what the title was then after I was finished (sounds great out loud) i looked back up and the connection was perfect, like a timed land mine, underneath your pillow. I agree with housepoppy in regards to the sun and love being real references, but sometimes it is what it is and I still think it works. I'd def keep the two simples because that to me is what makes the oxymoron, loss and love are complicated and confusing reducing it to simple makes the connection.
overall well written, nice write.
O and the rhyme scheme works for me, I like the feeling of lines not having any rhyme only to be hit with buried words from above ie resist and mist.
Thanks TCooks. I really appreciate the time you've taken to consider this. I do find lines 7-10 a bit too cheesy myself, but not sure what to do with them. So I'll probably just accept that this was a little outpouring and not the best poem.
Simple. Heartfelt. Real.
"pain is bearable
if you don't resist "
-sounds fake to me.
And the ending is just way too cute.
7-11 are, perhaps, what redeems this...and I don't think this kind of simplicity is a virtue here, I think it makes you seem simple and dumb. Its all air.
I appreciate your comments about "the poem" DeformedLion. If you read my own thoughts, I tend to agree with you and don't particularly like this either. At the time, it was a genuine outpouring but if it sounds fake, I can take that on board.
However, I DON'T appreciate your comments that "it makes me seem simple and dumb. It's all air." You don't know me. You can't make this kind of assumption from a poem. And to be honest, you've revealed more about your own self (not even going to get in to insulting you, I DON'T know you) than you may realize. A little self-reflection may be called for and if that sounds patronizing, it's not intended to. But don't bother to comment if you can't remember basic manners.
of course, pain is beautiful.
and so is this piece.
I'm glad you like it, fractalcore. Thanks for reading.
Simple even in itself - verse 3 is nice
wow, so beautiful sarah.
i feel such strength in your spirit through this poem,
and i think it is wonderfully written and expressed.
i hope things are good with you way over there.
oh, and cool title.
also, the last bit is not cheezy at all.
Thank you for your lovely comments jen! I've sort of gone of this one, but your positivity makes me look at it with a fresh eye.
(Will email soon - stuff to tell you and ask you!)
how about 'hazes lifting' for |10?
Yes, thank you for the suggestion, I like that. I remember writing this, very aware that I wanted it to contain the emotion, rather than spill it out. I don't think I succeeded but that helps improve it a little.
Thank you unknown.
You call it oxymoron however you continue to play into cliches.
See "Love is real"
"pain is bearable"
Very juvenile, try to write your own cliches.
To know what love has put in love
my heart was beaten, bruised and shoved
to hate what life has put in life
his deadly poison made me wife.
Thanks Mandoly, I think!
To the unknown who wrote before you, I just can't even be bothered. Calling my poem "juvenile" is just sheer laziness. Simple, simplistic, cliched - I can take all that on board. But a value judgement such as juvenile just irritates. I wrote this a good while ago and I don't particularly like it or think much of it - but it's not juvenile to express something in a heartfelt way.
the mystery of misery is finding joy in the little things, those moments during the sears of tears which transmute into seeing beauty in everyday ways -- this 'painful-joy' is liberating as we've discovered that not only does loss not break our hearts but rather stretches them to what feels like bursting, but doesn't - and we are now big-hearted enough to enjoy the magic in the mundane again ... if that's an oxymoron then I'm a moron of the greatest magnitude ... write-on smugzy - keepin' it simple, keepin' it real
hmm, relevant and pretty good.
this is very good :)
Always surprised that this trifle seems to be liked. Thank you for your kind words.