poetry critical

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The Perfect Pose
themolly

I like to lie with my legs up the wall,
 1
like I'm sitting against life.
 2
The blood draining from my toes
 3
collects warming a thirst in my thighs.
 4
I stare, like a statue at feet
 5
that seem apart from my body.
 6
I pose, counting each breath slower
 7
and align myself flawlessly.
 8

25 Jul 05

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Comments:

Yoga is a gift.  Take advantage folks.  Take advantage.
 — themolly

Oh, I love this poem. At first I didn't get it, but now I like it. I like to sit like that too, just for the heck of it. lol. Nice.
 — pennylane

thank you.
 — unknown

OoO.  I love sitting like this.  

I think line two doesn't fit with the rest of the poem.  It's vague and not in the moment while the rest of the poem is physically in the moment.

In lines three and four, I suggest some sort of punctuation, perhaps after collects.  Right now, it reads awkwardly.

In line five, I suggest either removing the comma after stare or adding one in after statue.

The rest is beautiful.  
 — eyesParadox

what do you suggest for L2?
 — unknown

For line two, you could do a few things with it.  You could just change the word life to something more tangible that still holds the enormity of life.  You could also start from scratch and add in another physical description that enhances the moment.  It's your decision.  You could do nothing with it.  :-)  Play around until you find something that fits.
 — eyesParadox

Originally it was time, not life.  Life seemed more concrete.  I agree with you, though.  It reads rough.  I'll take a bath on that.  Watch for edits!
 — unknown

so simple. i love it.
 — SteelAngel

and thank you.
 — unknown

I like the simplicity of this poem. My thought is changing the word "sitting", to "propped", in line two, representing your body weight. I like the flow.
 — sleepless_mn

HMMMMM.  i'll consider it.
 — unknown

This reminds me of a yoga pose? What's it called.. I can't remember.  
I love L 3 "thirst thighs" that's great.  
I like how you desribe your feet going numb, without every saying it. (L6)
This very very cool.
Now, it's a fav.
 — JessieVideo

The pose is called LEGS UP THE WALL.  As for the Indian translation, I have no idea.  Thank you...
 — themolly

Well this certainly appears to be the week for nonsense poetry.

The yoga does not appear to be doing your brain much good.

As there appears to be no pretence to poetry.

Would it not be better to arrange your syntax in an acceptable order.

I like to lie with my legs up the wall,
like I'm sitting against life.
The blood draining from my toes
collects warming my thirsty thighs.
I stare, like a statue at feet
that seem apart from my body.
I pose, counting each breath
to align myself flawlessly.

If you like to lie with your legs up the wall, you would, even in a yoga class, have great difficulty sitting on anything let alone life.

“That seem apart from my body”(slight problems with your subject and verbs perhaps)

Arminius Prodicus.
 — unknown

You're the only reader who doesn't like this.
 — unknown

Ms. Church?? is that you?? My old english teacher who hs obsessed with syntax??  themolly, it's okay. She's harmelss.  Once an english teacher, always on english teacher.  :)
 — JessieVideo

Never tried yoga but had a similar experience to the one you describe when my science teacher hung me up by my ankles from what was left of the lab when i blew it up trying to find a formulae for changing the colour of gob stoppers. Tantric sex is OK but best of all are the teachings of Bagwan O'Booze who advocates a complete lack of abstinence in all things.Only trouble is you'll have to move to a house with a bigger front door after about six months so you can get in ,or alternatively take the front off the house and pretend its a doll's house. Only problem with that is unless you live somewhere completely warm ,its freezing in winter.Nice poem.
 — larrylark

it's great how you talk about yoga without mentioning yoga. clever. your flow is smooth and wording super.
 — BlueRock

thanks.  I'm still unsatisfied with l2
 — unknown

I like to lie with my legs up the wall,  1
sitting against life.  2
blood draining from my toes  3
warming a thirst in my thighs.  4
I stare, like a statue at feet  5
that seem apart from my body.  6
I pose, counting each breath slower  7
and align myself flawlessly.  8

Setting?
 — unknown

the perfect pose... the perfect prose... j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

  ;)
 — themolly

Great
 — Empty

i still love this
 — unknown

Aww thanks
 — themolly

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