poetry critical

online poetry workshop



the dynamics of cleaning a floor
midare

i. and so it begins (with frustration)
 1
 
 
turn, turn, screeeeek
 2
thump thump
 3
BANG
 4
hissssssss
 5
 
 
ii. 'messiah' as a double entendre
 6
 
 
lackaday!
 7
and (now) i'm falling
 8
drip
 9
drip
 10
drip
 11
from the faucet
 12
into a bucket
 13
now the mere content
 14
of a household object -
 15
but no longer alone
 16
because here's the detergent
 17
(finally out from the closet)
 18
whose universal purpose
 19
is to clean messes
 20
for which it had no hand in;
 21
it's been sinking
 22
deeper into the depression(s)
 23
that overcome
 24
all but the sturdiest
 25
kitchen laminates,
 26
and
 27
 
 
i've been dreaming
 28
of a sunset
 29
with the tassled mop
 30
from the corner bin:
 31
  
 32
this is the unfortunate
 33
(but neccessary)
 34
tragedy of my sisters
 35
and brothers
 36
called into the rainclouds
 37
before their time.
 38
 
 
iii. desert blues
 39
 
 
now forgotten,
 40
i'm being poured once more
 41
into the drain.
 42
 
 
i should've lived in the
 43
sahara.
 44
 
 
___________
 45

i hate chores.

25 Jul 05

Rated 8 (7.5) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (3): 5, 7, 8, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(77 more poems by this author)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

no comments? :|
 — midare

Cute. Very cute. I'd massage the breaks, were I you. A lot are soft. Examples:

i've been dreaming
of a sunset
with the tassled mop
from the corner bin:
  
this is the unfortunate
(but neccessary)
tragedy of my sisters
and brothers
called into the rainclouds
before their time.


iii. desert blues

now forgotten,
i'm being poured once more
into the drain.

i should've lived
in the sahara.

Line breaks, when not done for double-entendre purposes, generally ought to follow rules of grammar and sentence parsing.

Good on ya sir/maam.
 — junky

thank you, junky. i'll look at the line breaks.
 — midare

Very cute.  Some problems with grammar but only slight.  l29 - lamentents?  Did you mean laments (as in sad) or laminates (as in plastic type counters)?

Also line 24, drop the word for and just leave it as which it had no hand in.

This is really clever.  
 — Isabelle5

ah! laminates!
thanks, isabelle. i knew it wasn't right.
grr.
 — midare

0.481s