poetry critical

online poetry workshop

There is an icicle forming over my third eye

I want to lean against history,
focus and gaze into what's to be
until I lose all sweaty hesitancy
I will hunt cool strength.
I won't need apprehension
and anxiety to heat my world.
I will be confident, different, cold,
now that I am old.

28 Jul 05

Rated 8 (8.5) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
Inactive (16): 2, 5, 7, 7, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(17 more poems by this author)

(5 users consider this poem a favorite)

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nice title.
 — unknown

I think this is about gaining wisdom, am I right? The only reason I question this is because this poem is a tad obscure, but this will definatly take me a little bit of time before I can fully appreciate it.
l3 it doesnt make sense with the rest of the stanza, it is just kind of there. It would make more sense if you put an and at the beginning of it.
L7 would read better as
indifferent, (indifferent makes more sense in this situation)
cold. "
L9 i like this line it sums up the poem nicely.
I really liked how youused the theme of hot and cold throughout.
I do like the title, it makes me wonder if this is from an alien's point of view in space somewhere?
This si a very tightly and well written poem. Good Job. i really enjoyed critiquing this!
 — SweetPain

Thank you.  You are quite close with your assumptions!  Watch for edits...
 — unknown

You go!  That's awesome.  I love you.
 — themolly

oh yeah!
 — tiedtoes

I like it the way it is.  Don't change a thing
 — unknown

Now that I am old.  And calm and sense what life is for.  All the things you thought you knew earlier on.
 — Isabelle5

thanks i think.
 — BoundFeet

This is my new favorite.  I like that you stuck different in there in line seven!  

This gives me hope for aging.  Thank you-
 — Estrella

I love this. From the top of the masterful title to the bottom of the last line.

Only thing I would do is remove  'my' from line 3 and 'the' from line 5.

This really says so much and is very well done. Memorable.  :-)
 — smugzy

Nice suggestion!  Thank you very much for the constructive critique.
 — BoundFeet

I can't get over this title.  You are so fucking good at titling.  I'm jealous-
 — unknown

the only rub here is that i'd either rhyme or not. the words are good, esp 4.
 — noodleman

Word, man.

What an awesome epitaph!!!

 — sacred573

Look at you!  Congrats  hooker!@
 — themolly

Change the title to:

"There is an icicle forming over my unibrow"
 — unknown

i think i'll be fat, lol.

nice writing, enjoyed.
 — Kauf

wow, this is good stuff
 — Lia

Thank You!
 — unknown

I'm so proud !
 — tiedtoes

Your voice is very open. It is appreciative.
 — Hear

Another imitation poem with no sense of direction, it apparently, does not know whether to hop, skip, or jump.

I would have much preferred seen diffident as an alternative to different.

How ever, the last two lines are so bad, nothing short of a rewrite could salvage the stanza.

I would rate this effort with a five.

Arminius Prodicus.
 — unknown

I really liked this, its wise, yet easy to read. It does a good job of giving over the meanings in a way that makes the reader have to think, but they can actaully work it out without too much effort. Good Work I enjoyed it
 — Twotrees

 — unknown

 — Kauf

Thanks kauf.  I'm glad you liked it.
 — BoundFeet

a 2?  come on-
 — unknown

I read this yesterday, and I wasn't sure how to respond, as it was impressive. Now I do:
  Your ideas are well represented. It make sense.
  It is a good piece.
 — Hear

OH thank you.  
 — BoundFeet

everyone seems to love this---

good for you!  you deserve a little praise.
 — tiedtoes

This makes a big assumption. A lot of people i know get more stupid as they get older.Its very well done though
 — larrylark

Is that a bad presumption?  It's more like a wish really.

I'm not actually "old"...at least not by my standards.  I just really think there HAS to be some sort of cool calmness that slowly builds as you age.  I can see it in the elderly.
 — BoundFeet

actually i think that's gas.
 — noodleman

gas is anything but calm for me...
 — unknown

mmm.  line 9 screws it up.
 — divinity

thanks a lot

 — BoundFeet

 — unknown

Wow.  Thank you SO much!
 — BoundFeet

everyone keeps ripping on the last two lines.

any suggestions?
 — BoundFeet

I'm not so sure that cold should be isolated in one line. Maybe you could change that?
  I like this, though. I still remember this, from reading it long ago. It deserves to be in my favorites.
 — Hear

 — BoundFeet

 — Hear

 — BoundFeet

 — BoundFeet

Very cool. I enjoyed it a lot.
 — Holdenried16

 — BoundFeet

I like this.  The title is fantastic.  
I think I'd put a pause of some sort at the end of L3.

nice writing.
 — jenakajoffer

is that better? I think ur right
 — BoundFeet

thanks for bringing me back to this,
i still really like it.
wow, it's an oldie eh?
 — jenakajoffer

yeah! wow. almost three years ago. Wild.

Thanks for reading
 — BoundFeet

i like the title.. and the poem itself is very comforting.. comforting because of its strength and assurance... and i think this poem just kicked me in the butt..
 — unknown

check out suzanne summers!!!!
 — unknown

 — BoundFeet