poetry critical

online poetry workshop

You fucked me... Hard

Sick, dirty, vehement, painful, an unwanted acclaimed love-making
And you were there
Shoving it inside me
I become sick when I contemplate
Being touched
By you
Coming home to a loving family
Who instilled within me
I elusively walked through the home in which I was priviliged to live
Selfishly hedonistic
Blinded of my deceitful demeanor
Because of you
You coaxed me to believe you were all I needed
I feel filthy when I reminisce
Walking into your pink, dirty apartment
The scent of weed and thrown-up alcohol
Rushing through the air which I innocently breathed
The sick friends that rang your doorbell
During our meaningful coexistance
Friends who keenly convinced you that a girl like me couldn't possibly exist
So you believed The rehab-seeking so-called companions
Only to deny the truth
Of the profound concern I maintained
For your goodness
For your success, health, happiness
You denied me
I feel solid tears strangled under my skin when I remember your strong force
I want to resist every touch
Anyone's touch
As I remember how vulnerable I had been with you
Unaware, yet convinced
That you were right
That this was right
I was 14
And you...
You dared to even TOUCH me
I hover under my layers of bedsheets
As I feel the sharpest pains
I inhaled your loving and seemingly genuine words like cigarettes
I became addicted
And suddenly
You left me
You left my body
If only you were a cigarette
I could have purchased nicotine patches and gum
To ease this pain
Instead I grew up too fast
Separated from my friends
Because of indecent exposure, an early experience
a painful maturation
I had to endure listening to love songs that I could have-once-related to
Through depressing love-loss songs
Every song
Every poem
Every couple
Every room
Places me into a world of deep contemplation and overanalysis
And I blame you for it
I hate you
I can't believe I let you touch me
I become mystified through sudden awareness
When I realize the LACK of awareness that I was possessed with
When I acknowledge how foolish I was to trust you
You deceived me
And you said you loved me
And I believed you
Because I needed you and your reassuring words
I felt gently touched...
Because instead...
You fucked me..HARD

5 Aug 05

Rated 4.7 (7.4) by 3 users.
Active (3): 1, 7
Inactive (44): 1, 1, 2, 2, 3, 3, 4, 4, 5, 5, 5, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(10 users consider this poem a favorite)

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wow this really got me
 — unknown

This is sad...Sad because it happened..sad because it has scarred...or is it just a poem?
 — peterbee

How well portrayed.. How well written.

 — Caro


You chose a companion...poorly.
 — unknown

Luckily most menare not bastards
 — larrylark

"I want to fuck you like an animal.
I want to feel you from the inside.
Oo, I want to fuck you like an animal.
My whole existence is flawed.
You get me closer to God."

Do do do la la. *whistles*
 — Rhein

line 25: scent

so raw. some of the lines can be tightened up, but it sounds so honest and devestated, that it might just be better, organic, like this.
 — SteelAngel

love this.. hope it's just a poem as well
 — unknown

I really like this poem alot...I hope you didn't have to go through this experience though...because I went through something similar to this and now I'm trying to fix myself...It's really hard to do....Anyways...I'm really touched by this....GREAT JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 — GoThIcSlUt69

ya it's hard to go through something like this... but i really went through this.. and i finally overcame my fears and insecurities. so i'm much stronger now. :)
 — nikkimint55

 — unknown

Just... Wow... I don't think that someone could have even ever explained it the way that you just did... its really amazing.
 — unknown

so well-written and captivating.. great job!
 — unknown

too angry.  I KNOW that sounds wrong...but show me the guts, not the fucks.
 — unknown

what do u mean by guts?
 — nikkimint55

I mean you must cut through all the meat and anger and get to the emotional bone of the circumstance.
 — unknown

wow, this is very raw and voilent.

i'm sorry it happened to you.

but don't let it get to you: he abused your body - don't let him enter your soul.

poetry is always helpful to get over things like this, isn't it?
 — Lia

Therapy perhaps. Don't like the poem. (6)
 — junky

yes i agree.... but still well written
 — unknown

This is one of the best pieces of poetry I have ever read. Raw, powerful, charged with emotion. I'm giving it a (well-deserved) 10...

 — kazfernandes

fucking amazing
 — unknown

holy shittttttttttt
 — unknown

 — unknown

This is a great poem. Your words just took me in. I love it. How sad. But soo good.
 — xdarkxeyesx

im sorry about that baby, but i wantcha back, gimme a call sometime, i'm a changed man!
 — unknown

This has a couple of things going for it, it is brutally honest, and it is quite raw in presentation. Other than that I don't like it much I don't think, I found the repetition of "you fucked me" to be a little silly.
 — wraze

i have to say, i liked the repetition... i thought it charged the poem
 — treerain

fuck yea
 — tomasROCK

you wanna use fuck in a sentence? THIS FUCKING BLOWS!
 — unknown

thanks, how sweet
 — nikkimint55

This is easily the worst poem I've ever read on this site.
 — ersaph

very realistically written from an emotional point of view
 — thematrix

Still can't stand this.  It's so raw and jagged, not something I'd like to read nor something I'd like to happen to anyone I know.  
 — unknown

this would certainly win a "used the f-word" the most contest, as poetry it is lacking. for god's sake, please drop at least some of the fucks, maybe all save the one in the title. i don't know about others, but when i see a poem littered with profanity, it automatically turns me off and causes me to take it less seriously. that's a shame, because there are several GREAT lines in this, like l26.
 — Catbox

i give this a well-deserved 8
 — unknown

sounds more like a story than a poem... but powerful message...

and ya...true story or poetry?
 — hearmyheart

true story
 — nikkimint55

 — unknown

i liked the last line originallly
but instead
you fucked me.......hard
man what happen to that line amn?
 — unknown

I like the hardcore version better
 — crepaway

 — nikkimint55

love it
 — Cassie6278

um... im sorry?
 — noodleman

for some reason i cant stop thinking about ann coulter.
 — gnormal

gnormal, i'm sorry you can't stop thinking about ann coulter. horrible.
 — noodleman

who is ann coulter?
 — nikkimint55

hahahahaha. html is fun.
 — noodleman

noodle google:
TheNameOfThisPoem + " anne coulter"
 — unknown

You need to do a lot less telling and a lot more showing. For the length of the poem there is nearly not enough material or substance to this. The story could be told in 1/8 of the length with twice the power easy. It sounds more like you're trying to start a pity-party than tap into our emotions.

And PLEASE don't use caps for words in poems. ;-)
 — soda482

L Friends you keenly convinced you that a girl like me couldn't possibly exist  26

that doesn't make sense and fucks with the flow. fix it.
  it sounds like it should be:

Friends that keenly convinced you that a girl like me couldn't possibly exist  26
 — unknown

You fucked me
I was sad
I was mad
I have no future

There's your poem
 — ersaph

ill go you one better ersaph:

you fucked me
now im fucked
 — noodleman

 — nikkimint55

im not a expert on this but wow..thats was very raw & for you and anyone to go through anything like that, im sorry....  but at least you can write about it ....
  have some closure!!!
 — unknown

sad and passionate, i feel so sorry
 — nishra

this is so angry, I'm getting third degree burns.

nevertheless: well done.
 — Grimmiae

I can relate to this, it was really touching. I (athough male) have been in the exact position that this girl has. It may seem sooky but I did cry as I was reminded of my inccident. By far my favourite poem. I dunno if you speak from the experience (i hope you haven't had to) but I'm really glad I read that. 100 out of 10!!!!
 — kingcrossy

amazing but is this true?
 — unknown

there seems to be quite a few comments on this poem.  i'm going to ignore them all, so I apologize if anything i've said has been previously stated.  Also, I'd like to mention that I didn't give this poem the amount of attention it probably deserves.  I simply don't think I have the expertise you'd require.  Nonetheless, this is my initial reactions to a first or second read-through.

It should also probably be noted that I'll interchange "you" as in you, the writer, and you, the narrator throughout.

Nonetheless, I liked the story this poem had.  I hated the way it was told.  In particular, the very end seemed so forced... well, I have no comparison as to how forced it seemed.  Also I don't like your use of the word 'which'.  It seemed added and not needed. I.e.., L13: "in which". L23: "which I innocently".  The word itself is not my problem, it's the phrasing that it creates.  L23, for instance, I don't need that you innocently breathed those horrible smells.  How did you innocently do it?  That is, how was your innocence not struck away when you habitually walked in there?  

Furthermore, your diction seemed forced as well.  L5: when you "contemplate" it?  Contemplate seems to have a brighter connotation associated to it.  But even disregarding that, why would you think about it until you got sick?  I just thought that maybe you meant more of each time the thought passed your mind; which would be a different word, I think.  L25: "meaningful coexistence".  Do you two not "coexist" anymore?  And how was it meaningful?  Again, to me, that seems like you're trying to present an unhappy ambiance, while simply not delivering.

Your flow, over all, wasn't what I wanted either.  The jumps from long lines to short ones doesn't bother me.  It's the rhythm that changes and the words that I stumble over.  I think I mentioned these earlier; they are the ones that seem like they are put there to sound smart or some such.  

Eh, there's more, but I'm sure I'm being picky or something.  Hope this helps.  Good luck.
 — aeturnus

 — nikkimint55

  line 4 what is it?
line 17 makes no sense. what are you saying?
line 27"So you believed The rehab-seeking so-called companions" why is the middle "the " a capital?
this is an essay not a poem
 — lodza

ok this deserves over 6.5
 — unknown

wow this is a really good poem it makes the reader feel your pain  good job i hope that the experance has not ruind your life
 — idiotbox

I don't like the formatting, the fact that there's no punctuation, the fact that this is more of an essay, the random capitalised words and how every line starts with a capital letter. But I must say, I feel sorry for you. Play around with this. Maybe you'll turn this into something better.
 — lonelygirl

no words just 10 **********
 — turtlepoet

i like.
 — kimado

fuck it
 — unknown

i like it hard

but that's just me
 — unknown

i think its time we consider castration as a viable means to deterrance
in every state on this pleantet

i love a falsetto on a blacony

you kow\\\


the way the head cracks open

like that

you know

acres of acorns
 — unknown

an hug.
 — lazyduck187

i like the poem very much and the factual base for it edges the poem with an akward feeling.. but that's the way it should be. i appreciate your guts to spill this experience onto a site filled with assholes who add uneeded sarcasim because they are probably the shits of the world that lack the morality to be sympathetic to any living person or object other than their dick, and petty people who request no caps or a comma here or there, it's not their poem and only your intentions matter. it's YOUR poem. anyways, it's lovely and i'm sorry this happened to you. as it appears, you've dealt with the situation and hopefully keep in as a reference of the sour things in life, but only to make the sweet better. cliche line? yea, but it helps.
 — unknown

 — unknown

wow, to think my love making inspires such poetry...your welcome babe, happy valentines to you to.
 — TheO1dCrow

crow...you're a suck a fucking cocksucking asswipe. you really to leave this site if all you're going to do is insult.
 — unknown

get over yourself

major assholle
 — unknown

wow, really.
 — unknown

dont be jealous just cuz you aint getting any
 — TheO1dCrow

You will be in my prayers.
 — unknown

It seems juvenile. Raw, but juvenile.

Perhaps mature the speech, let it breathe, let it flow. Change from the 'simple sentences only' mentality to a more read-easy style, and your message will veritably FLY from the screen into your reader's heart.

An excellent topic, however. For that, and the occasional great wording, you get a...7. I'll be checking back, this subject shows promise.

 — teo_omega11

 — unknown

This came up as a random.  It shook me.  Well done.  This is a story of courage and survival and of a person who needs to know that it was never their fault.  I really liked this.
 — CervusWright

i can so freaking relate to this...except me...i was 15
same situation
same betrayal
same crying because i knew...that was it, i couldnt have my innoceence back
and i hate him for that
i think about it, and i utterly HATE him for that

thank you for this.
it was touching.
 — notetoself

http:/ /ifuckedanncoulterintheasshard.blogspot.com/
 — unknown

if this is 'just a poem' ie fiction, i have to say i don't think much of it.
if it's a true human story, well done for surviving, for getting your voice back, for moving through it
you will return to this in a year or two or three, and write something even clearer, stronger...
 — unknown


Pretty powerful even if it's NOT true. There is a tiny bit of excess fat that could be chopped off, but nothing DOESN'T belong... it all works. It's not a sob story so much as it's like... holy shit.

83 lines, man, and I read it all. That's pretty dern amazing in itself.

Good job.

 — ramenherpes

wow, this is very deep, i like it.
 — livedeeply

I liked the poem but I was hoping to see some redemption from you here.  Perhaps the wound is still fresh?
 — neverthehero

finally some good comments on this one! i can't think of how to revise it though...
 — nikkimint55

hmm one of my poems is about this too. i think it's good that you can write about it this way. you can probably develop the execution more though, but the emotions are expressed well already.
 — ruyi

Just Whoaw!
good indeed
 — inc_reign

 — unknown

Apart from the age you could be one of my ex's talking. Enjoyable tirade though. Top marks.
 — gingerdave

i don't want to read about such disgusting things that happen to little girls, i went thru it to, but would hate to blither on about it and rant to people...you should make this a poem and not a meal, and the only reason this has so many comments is the stupid title...people are pigs.
 — unknown

Awesome....wicked writing technique, you made the same line and put it into alternate meanings "u fucked me hard"... basically indicated at the beginning to seem like the wet-dream of a guy hearing a girl take this raw sexual energy into play then to say how this sex was truly meant in context.Wicked.
It all developed into a ridiculously well said article of writing,
I mean to articulate your thoughts and feelings so clearly, no matter fictional or not... people in your position rarely gain voices for their misery, no one ever listens to the person who gets pity. It's amazing to read cause its like reading a person who has been so stripped of there power gain it back...  
You also had a greatly developed metaphor with the cigarettes... and showed such complex and intriquite writing skill, if ppl would only get over the shock appeal, you'd see its a an immaculate story-poem...
The interesting aspect of this is how u make it soo impossible to believe as fiction, if it is then Wow write novels...
for how your feelings alternate and how much depth is put into the character(you)  it's really good, and don't just take that for cover-appeal, your talented.
 — unknown

 — unknown

 — youareadecep

wow how unfortunate for you... i'm so sorry
 — unknown

So lame. Angst doesn't make good poetry.
 — unknown

this is hardly angst... it describing a complex relationship... it switches from regret to love.. to anger, spite, to empathy..... .... it's not one dimensional, very objective, just read into it.
 — unknown

shut up
 — unknown

lists to not make good poems.

unless, of course, it is a very good list.
 — unknown

this is a very heartfelt poem and i think the profanity adds to the anger you feel towards him and yourself for letting it happen. nice work.

 — unknown

 — unknown

how is that "aw?"
 — unknown

theres only one word to describe this piece of writing.

 — redbracelet

it's nice to see ramher back.
 — megabyte

my name is kathleen holland i no how u feel because my ex boyfriend did the same thing to me his name is jesse wood and he said he loved me but it was only to get into my pants then after that he left me he called me bad names and he made feel worse i told him no like maybe 30 times but he did it anyways sweet heart i feel for u your poem made me cry cause it brought back memories and i hope u no that i am a poet to i write poems well if u wanna get a hold of me my email adress is kathy_loves_dad6@hotmail.com and i am only 16 i can help and talk to u if u are willing to give me a chanc
 — unknown

This is stunning.  I hope it isn't a real reflection, but the pain seems so real that if it's not then... it is a very good act.  Astounding.
 — Slip

Another brilliant poem because it is brutally honest, and this person has obviously faced some painful truths about himself/herself.  Don't be so hard on yourself, though.  We all think our mistakes are the worst.  Try having an affair with your sister's husband.  Now, that's something to hate yourself for.  I got over it, but I almost destroyed myself until I finally realized that it does you no good if God and those that you've hurt can forgive you if you cannot forgive yourself.
 — unknown

it's real...
 — nikkimint55

 — unknown

 — nikkimint55

what is?
 — unknown

the rude comments some people leave
 — nikkimint55

oh man the perfect date for all Duke boys
 — unknown

 — unknown

This is very moving. I can totally relate to every word of it. Very well done.
 — icepineapple

I feel the same way about my ex-husband.  I took me a long time to get over that.
 — propoet50

OH MY GOD IS ALL I CAN SAY.... you really captured the pain, and i mean that in a good way.
 — katiedid

I'm not trying to be rude in anyway,,but the only reason that I found myself to like it is sympathy other than that I don't really care for this poem.I actually find myself to agree with ersap.ur poem is too long to have such a short meaning. I don't want to sound careless in anyway cause I am truly upset that something so tragic has happened to u and at the same eag as me. but i just don't like it. I also don't agree with the fact that u would show something so personal as this to people u don't know and want them to help u with how to write it,and ask what should u change about it. It's ur poem,ur feelings u shouldn't want people to help u change ur experience.again it's to personal,especially if it happened to u,the writer
 — Cherish

tragic. not bad:)
 — unknown

To "Cherish:" every poem here expresses feelings, otherwise they wouldn't be posted. But thanks.
 — nikkimint55

Do you mean that if he had been gentle, broken up right if it was right, and more careful though an addicted older male, you would be forgiving and understanding? (Don't f back- let God handle it if you can. There are likely incidences when you wrong others as we all mistakenly have or occasionally do unintendedly- you don't want all that coming back at you with hate and further broken morals. It does circle around karmically so don't think justice won't be done, and please try to have compassion for what he will have to experience especially if he can't find the way to true apology and attonement to his best and soon enough.) This is an honest statement poem that needs to be communicated. Too many of these minor but serious crimes go unemphasized in our society. People forget others are alive, as I heard one woman say. C
 — unknown

no, fuck you
 — unknown

 — unknown

get outta hereee
 — unknown

fucking powerful,
good for you

 — RHS6

Interesting poem, there is nothing I would change. A one sided distorted perspective, I doubt the other person was half the monster you paint, if it is based on truth.

I once had a 14 year old try to sleep with me when I was 18 and I wouldn't do it, found out a few days later she was PG, she was trying to sleep with me so she could claim it was my kid.
 — Fallen

I know how this is....wow...memories though seriously.
 — Hundawg

Tough stuff - but sure hits the spot.
 — dia

 — unknown

 — unknown

wow this one has a lot of comments.
 — unknown


chairman moo
 — unknown

pouring with emotion, yes.
 — unknown

when was this written?
 — youareadecep

a few years ago...
 — nikkimint55

this makes me want to cry.
 — r3dhead69

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