poetry critical

online poetry workshop



holding on to morning
midare

strangle sheet, moan
 1
sweat slip, go-
 2
crash bang down
 3
the banister, no
 4
marker in the
 5
frame of the door
 6
to measure how
 7
i've been watching
 8
you grow
 9
 
 
because there's no more
 10
taste in your
 11
touch, no
 12
time to remember
 13
where you and
 14
i had left our
 15
tired ropeswing-
 16
no 'please dream'
 17
'please don't.'
 18
 
 
please go, i'm
 19
the photograph, tide-
 20
black and white
 21
silhouette, so
 22
left-handed against
 23
the crayon
 24
on your walls
 25
 
 
like the cupboards
 26
in my dreams, reminded
 27
of how it once felt
 28
to be a twilit tree-
 29
similar, but now
 30
color free.
 31

6 Aug 05

Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
Inactive (26): 1, 1, 4, 6, 6, 6, 6, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(77 more poems by this author)

(9 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

pretty.  i like.  veeery much.
there is sooo much wonderful imagery here.  lovely piece, in my opinion.  (10)
good jorb!

keep on writing! (;

dt
 — ducktape

thanks, ducktape.
i'll keep that encouragement in mind.
 — midare

anyone else?
 — midare

i like: because there's no more taste in your touch.
You are the only person I have ever seen combine two senses to successfully create an image.
 — misswyoming

Midare, you have a flair for line breaks.  You line-breaker you....very nice ;)
 — kitkat

wow.

(1 word crit)

10.
 — noodleman

misswy:
haha. thankee kindly, but
i'm sure that it's been done
better before.

kitkat:
refer to the comment
below yours.
noodleman taught me
(through prodding)
all about line breaks.
..and his are still better than mine.

noodles:
welcome back?
(two word crit)

grin.
midare
 — midare

well, i'm sure it has been done before as well. but I have never seen it, therefore my comment rests.
 — misswyoming

If I wasn't already in love, I have no doubt I could be with a person who has tour talent with words.
 — Cinder

Yeah, and my spelling. They'd have to not be able to spell, so, I wouldn't feel bad when I made typos that could be fixed by reading over what I write.
 — Cinder

this sounds..familiar..midare?
 — unknown

"do you hear that sound? Another young lover just hit the ground …"
 — asklepios

Well written, interesting line breaks.
 — Kauf

interesting rhythm, reinforces disjointed quality of the memories - not sure if it entirely succeeds in its attempt to engage other senses like taste into the memories in lines 10/11, but a good piece.
 — opal

thanks, everyone. :)
 — midare

I don't really like how the beginning starts, but I've never been a big supporter of aural imagery in the terms of onomatopoeia. From line four downwards, however, this is a solid effort.

You manage to keep this slightly whimsical, yet grounded with the reality core. A good write overall, well done.
 — unknown

This poem is not amazing, but the style is. Use this style to create story. You could create some good short stories, I'm sure.
 — unknown

same unknown as previously in 'inhale'?
i'm curious about your comments.
send me an e-mail or something, if you
happen to read this.
i'd honestly appreciate a
further conversation.
 — midare

nice
 — Estrella

This is good, but the style of the layout and the style itself has been overplayed. The content is pretty original, but not the rest.
 — unknown

this is so good
 — tragicbubble

i'm glad you liked it, tragic.
because i wrote it after reading
'sheer simplicity' for a second time.
 — midare

simplicity****
 — midare

oh, wait. i had it right the first time. xD
 — midare

beautiful
 — sedena

You better not think this is good.
 — unknown

I think it would be more effective if you started the poem at line four instead, with the "there is no marker" part. The first few lines just don't seem as well matched and effective as the rest of the lines in the poem are. Other than that I really like it.
 — Jsmiles05

Apropos... "You better not think this is good."
– unknown

you are right...It's not just 'good' it's very good.
 — Caro

No. It's not very good. You're just trying to improve your self-esteem, you arrogant wanna-be.
 — unknown

Well, I don't think you're an arrogant wanna-be, and I think unknown might just be jealous.
  I like this. I like the flow, mostly. The writing is pretty coherent. The title and idea is good, too.
 — Hear

heheh.
thanks to everyone who posted under a username.
and until i see some poetry from those unknowns, i can just pretend like they don't exist.

smile.
midare
 — midare

Wow, I really like this:9

because there's no more
taste in your
touch, no
time to remember

Clever and beautifully written.
 — Kauf

Swift. I liked this. I actually read it ignoring most the punctuation, just as a long, but quick remark. I wish though there was some sort of "no" rhyming at the end. It isn't necessary, but I was expecting it and I guess it would've put me at ease to have found it.

Good poem. Nice job.

rxs
 — unknown

thanks rxs.  i guess you can pretend that 'now' rhymes with 'no'.

grin.
midare
 — midare

Sounds like a rap verse.
 — unknown

mm-mmm, fav'd this ages ago but didn't comment ... i love your poetry, your imagery and flair for invoking taste in touch in words in feelings etc etc.  i like.

grin right back at you.

and a smile for good measure.
 — asklepios

Great poem. Reads like what's her name sings..the chick that does "fast car".
Especially enjoy reading a poem where entire stanzas can stand alone. 19 thru 25 for example.
 — ogeretla

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