the warm sun is now setting
shooting stars dream big
wroopteku thiops aop loopng tiopmeku aopgoku.
8 Aug 05
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I like line 3 the best!
awww, that's neat.
I think you're trying to capture too much in this poem. Haikus, because of their length, work best as a snap shot. You don't see shooting stars at dusk no matter where you are in the world. And the first two lines describe dusk. Also, since the first two lines are describing the same thing and you only have three lines to work with, I suggest that you delete one of the lines and start from scratch. I also dislike the lack of punctuation. It's also quite choppy. This could use some work.
i agree with eyesParadox about the content issues, but i like the lack of punctuation, and think you should drop all capitals too.
i love line 3 as well, it's so wistfull
i'm so glad to see some more of you poems! i'll go read your other one now
Ha, lia used engulfing in one of her older/crappier poems…I was surpised she knew what it meant…lol. I love the last line, very imaginative.
L3 is wonderful
what's with the footnote? is that icelandic?
lol themolly you are so funny. (; it's not icelandic. what does icelandic sound like? the footnote is in code. many people figured it out, but not everyone. i once wrote a poem in that code. i like to write with it. it's kinda fun. (;
thanks for your comments, everyone. i think i like line 3 as well. (:
iop liopke thiops poopekum
did i do it right? it's hard!
other than that it was good. (;
and thank you (;
oh yeah, i forget to do the e. oh well, it was my fist go. you're very welcome, but only cos this poem is good. i can't get enough of line 3 :P
Good haiku with a stand out last line .Caught something of the reflective mood that can set in as night falls
shooting stars dream big, how perfect
Simple and pretty, haikuish even!
good haiku kel. :)
you gotta love haiku! especially this one! nice work.
A dreamily done, pretty haiku. Line 3 is absolutely perfect. Nice job.
This is lovely ducktape, I love haiku. The only thing I would change would be not to capitalise the start of each new line. I like the way you deliberately haven't used any punctuation in the first 2 lines as it could be read in more than one way i.e. "darkness engulfing the warm sun" or Darkness engulfing; the warm sun is now setting.
I would maybe change the "is now" in L2 to "slowly", just cos in haiku every word is meant to mean something.
Nice picture you painted with your words.
i like lines two and three, but i don't like the use of the word "engulfing."
Normaly I am not a big Haiku fan, but this one is welld one, with, as previously mentioned, a great last line. And for the record you certainly can see shooting stars at dusk, I have seen them first hand.
thank you! thanks everyone for their comments! i am so grateful! (;
solstice: thanks for proving people wrong with your ability to see shooting stars at dusk! rock on! (; thanks for your comment! (;
marieF, thanks. i kind of like "is now" but i'll take that idea into consideration as well. (; and i shall change the capitals. (;
listen: thanks for your comments! (; however, i think i will keep "engulfing." i like the way it goes with the rest of it. thanks, though! (;
thank you thank you thank you.
does it look better?
shooting stars usually appear after the sun has set. Nice haiku but it should still be based on the real world. So darkness engulfing doesn't really work with the sun setting when we think orange, rose and red.e.g. the edge of darkness...meets the setting sun, dark red.... and last line?
Also ina haiku which has so few words to express so much, the second line wastes them. Who needs is and the unless absolutely necessary.
thanks so very much for your comment, catherine. however, whoever said that a poem or a haiku should be based on the real world? as far as i'm aware there are no rules against this thing called imagination on paper. if you perhaps try to imagine it all without logic and huge reasoning, you might find beauty and a little grin on your face. soak it all in and enjoy it. i hope it means something to someone.
how about i open up a wider perspective for you: maybe there is more to it than realism. it can be an image, a memory, an emotion, or some deep and beautiful meaning within writing that a reader can experience. beauty is brain exercise. and these feelings are important and make art special. surrealists do exist in the writing world, too. don't forget! (;
thanks again for your comment, though! i really appreciated it. i am happy someone took the time for my words, and it's special to me. have a great evening, not to mention, weekend! take care.
wrote this a long time ago?
clever and the haiku is nice.
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titles a bit meh