poetry critical

online poetry workshop



like a frog
onklcrispy

eating boxer shorts and wearing a bagel
 1
smoking the weather and watching cigarettes
 2
sleeping, not sleeping
 3
 
 
ineffectually struggle to keep my teeth from sliding back into my head to dine on my brain, or keep eyebrows from crawling off my head like bored caterpillars, and tongue from pulling my nose to the back of my head, or stop intense contracting of muscles as not to cause my epidermis to split like a damp napkin divulging oddly colored tissues for cat sniffage
 4
 
 
hands search feverishly for an activity, like two freshly birthed mammals searching for a tit, instead i just jettison myself back into myself and become a hazy shade of hazy shades
 5
 
 
nicotine tears creep out of their greasy ducts, march their parade of sorrow down a caffinated visage like condensation on an industrial strength dishwasher
 6
 
 
emotional hangovers, past, present and future, accumulate heavily in my gullet like a scorched out lincoln town car at the bottom of a ravine
 7
pickling innards, which if gravity permits, will soon be outtards
 8
 
 
like a frog with a rubber band tightly around its neck
 9
gulp and sputter and bulge and twitch
 10
contort and horf and grind and jerk
 11
spiral into neatly combed hair and batpole myself into acceptable attire
 12
attempting to convince myself that it’s the reflection, not the ripples
 13

this was written

6 May 03

Rated 9.3 (8) by 3 users.
Active (3): 9
Inactive (22): 1, 2, 5, 5, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(25 more poems by this author)

(10 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

I just got completely bored with this.
 — unknown

me too.
 — onklcrispy

You hit the nail on the head. Especially line 4. Nice job.
 — capnorange

how does one "horf"(line 10)?
 — capnorange

psychotic, but smothered with truth somehow. i love it
 — unknown

You have a fan, me. What incredible style, thought provoking concepts and clever symmetry.
 — RSpiers1

the first lines drew me in, the second stanza (line 4) seemed gross somehow to me and detracted from the rest of the poem, which i subsequently loved. yeah, i actually just didnt like line 4.

if it were gone, id love this poem
and thats all i gotta say
 — starryme

i struggled with line four when writing this myself, and tried to take it out. but it best describes how i felt, physically, at the time. thank you for your comment, i will continue to torture myself for the next two days, and will most likely revise and/or reword it somehow.
 — onklcrispy

onklcrispy, what hospital are you in? i want to visit you and i promise i won't stay for more than a year. i love you.
 — unknown

im not saying 4 was terribly written, but just not of my flavor.
it is very true and real, but is distracting for me. me PERSONALLY.
maybe it disturbs me because it should..
... its really a matter of choice.

one persons trash is anothers treasure -- type thing.
so. do what thou wilt.
 — starryme

ok ;)
 — onklcrispy

Raucous and unassuming!
 — unknown

but instead i just jettison myself back into myself and become a hazy shade of hazy shades

nice, actually.
i like the use of metaphors and the sheer oddness of this. [snafu.]
 — shakeit

this is agreat poem. very discriptive and vivid and beautiful.
 — unknown

This was beautiful. You need to publish your poems, dude.
 — unknown

Lovely. The last line got me. I find personally that line 4 doesn't fit wiht the rest of the poem, but it's your poem, and it still works pretty well with line 4 there.
 — thesilencing

i like this a lot.  there are a few images you use that are completely shocking, unexpected.  i approve.
 — done

Smashin good. Damn. Ten. Ten. ENCORE!
 — SDreamer

A lot more sedate than other poems of yours. I have to admit, it's just okay, not astounding. (Some constructive criticism.) Line 7 really jumped out at me as fantastic, though.

There's not much you can do to "improve" this, in my unprofessional opinion. I like it, but not as much as others. Simple matter of preference.

Fanatically your lobster forever,
arienette
 — arienette

don;t like the tit thing. active feminist. stopped reading after line six. sorry i just dont like it. 2
 — unknown

I'm not quite sure why/how you thought I was being sexist, or anti feminist. And if stopped reading after line 6, how would you know if you liked it or not? Obviously you didn't give it a fair chance. I would like to read what you have written, so I have a basis for comparison as to what you do/don't like to read/write, that way I can decide if anything you say is valid.
 — onklcrispy

Pay no attention Onk...everyone knows you are one of, if not the best writer on this site. Someone was just looking to bring you down.
 — unknown

I love you Mr./Mrs./Ms./Dr.Unknown. Thank you.
 — onklcrispy

I love you too, sweetheart.
 — unknown

i like it but you have plenty of comments so i wont go on, i'll go elswhere...
 — hank

I don't understand why i should give a fig about how you feel?

Still completely bored by this.
Charles Dickens after fifteen pints of Stella Artois and a good mugging.
 — unknown

i never asked you for a fig.
 — onklcrispy

dude, or chickie as the case may be..i can only say i wish i'd written this piece myself. but i stopped drinking and having hallucinations years ago. gotta have smoke in yer shoes to do this sort of stuff.  it's great! don't change a word. what's wrong with stanza 4? obviously some folks out there have limited experience. tell ém to go read some Lawrence Ferlinghetti.  meanwhile i don't know. try it one time without changing a word into some other format. the first 3 lines could be 6 lines easy.  etc.
 — unknown

My eyebrows used to try to crawl too. That was before I decided to pluck them. Now they just get so pissed at me, they stay right there, trying to make a forest between my eyes. Little fuckers.
 — thirdeyris

with nice descriptions it feels like it was written by someone with insomnia
 — mints

Nice form, idea and footnote to boot...bravo
 — JKukla

u guys r gay fags
 — unknown

you seem to have a way with the unusual, onklcrispy
 — mindful

Got some really interesting imagery here bordering on the grotesque which i like a lot. I think it could take a little editing as its a bit overpowering in places ,like being hit over the head with something really heavy,or maybe that was the effect you were trying to create. Overall a very creative and imaginative poem.
 — larrylark

Loved the twisted first three lines, got a little bored after that.  But of course, doing a whole poem in that reversed style would be overkill, so points for self-control. And maybe don't take the boredom seriously, my attention span is pretty much nil right now...so yeah, I just discounted everything I said. Great poem. Vair pretty words.
 — unknown

finally a sane person on this site.
 — unknown

read-it read-it
 — unknown

WIsh I can WrIte you as good as I.
 — unknown

This sounds so gnormal (abnormal!)  I don't get the frog connection but I love the creativity of some lines - the lincoln town car at the bottom of a ravine, the last 2 lines.  This WAS written, charmingly.
 — Isabelle5

L11- that's great
akchilly, th'entire
last group of words...

thanks- hope yer feelin' better
 — chuckles

I once wrote a poem when I was feeling like what I think this author was feeling like.  That poem went to the top of the Top Rated list.  This poem is better, Onkl.  It's just that you're over most readers' heads, and I am not.  That too is meant as a complement.
 — unknown

ugh! I hate frogs, but ah! I love this poem.
 — banditfemme

I miss you!
 — LauraLea2

oh well, very well, very good.
this was eaten from the anus up.
tasty shit. damn it!
: )
 — fractalcore

i disagree with sstarryme.  line four is my favorite.  amazingly visceral.
 — bergman1918

WOW I am in LOVE ...hahaha this is so fucking funne and yet it has
an honesty that is sublime but none-the-less full flow with your words!
great job- i enjoyed this down the last drop! 10 in my book!
 — unknown

Your adjectives and verbs are a bit gcse.
 — unknown

I love it when cigarettes are used in poetry.
 — Salamander

haunting flesh landscape
 — OKcomputer

cc20180720
coach outlet online
toms outlet
nike air max shoes
polo ralph lauren outlet
ugg boots
hermes bags
coach outlet
michael kors outlet online
uggs canada
yeezy boost
christian louboutin outlet
oakey sunglasses
pandora jewelry official site
coach factory outlet
kate spade outlet
columbia sportswear
nike shoes
adidas yeezy boost
canada goose sale
nike air max 1
coach
coach factory outlet online
cheap nfl jerseys
ralph lauren outlet
pandora charms sale
supreme new york
mont blanc pens
canada goose
nike air max 270
hermes handbags
fitflops
converse outlet store
pandora charms sale clearance
timberland boots outlet
micha el kors outlet clearance
air jordan shoes
pandora jewelry
birkenstock sandals
polo outlet store
polo ralph lauren outlet
abercrombie and fitch
coach outlet
pandora charms
canada goose outlet
air more uptempo
ugg outlet
coach outlet store online clearances
jimmy choo outlet
salvatore ferragamo shoes
louis vuitton outlet online
kate spade bags
nike air presto
nike free run
nike air max
nike shoes
fitflops sale clearance
rolex watches
new balance outlet
nike outlet
adidas yeezy boost
toms outlet
moncler jackets
christian louboutin
ugg outlet
cheap oakley sunglasses
adidas shoes
adidas yeezy
cheap jordans for sale
nike air max 95
oakley sunglasses
red bottom shoes
kate spade handbags
fitflops sale clearance
adidas outlet
christian louboutin outlet
jordan retro
ralph lauren outlet
air max 90
christian louboutin shoes
jimmy choo outlet
valentino shoes outlet
nike shoes
philipp plein outlet
michael kors handbags
coach outlet
nike air force 1
pandora outlet
discount oakley sunglasses
nba jerseys
birkenstock sandals
pandora jewelry outlet
yeezy boost
polo ralph lauren outlet online
uggs
adidas campus
fitflops cheap jordans
cheap ray ban sunglasses
coach outlet
michael kors outlet
polo outlet
prada outlet
timberland boots
nike outlet
pg 2
louboutin shoes
kate spade handbags
kate spade outlet
coach outlet store online
coach outlet
oakley sunglasses
cheap mlb jerseys
air max 2017
pandora jewelry
coach outlet
coach outlet
swarovski outlet
ferragamo shoes
nike shox
nike air max 87
moncler outlet
dr martens boots
nike outlet store
ray ban sunglasses
coach outlet
ray ban sunglasses
canada goose outlet
valentino shoes
adidas nmd
kate spade
tiffany outlet
coach factory outlet
moncler
coach outlet store
yeezy 350 boost
pandora
salvatore ferragamo shoes
rolex watches
reebok shoes
michael kors outlet
skechers shoes
timberland boots
nike air more money
michael kors outlet
cartier outlet
kate spade outlet store
pandora charms sale clearance
nike huarache
adidas nmd shoes
kobe bryant shoes
ferragamo outlet
michael kors outlet
adidas yeezy
mlb jerseys
moncler outlet
michael kors outlet online
fake rolex
adidas yeezy
timberland boots
nike free 4.0
nike outlet
birkenstock sandals
air jordans
nike epic react flyknit
cheap jordans
ralph lauren outlet
supra shoes
michael kors outlet
pandora charms
dr martens
ugg outlet
pandora charms
uggs outlet
underarmour shoes
kate spade outlet store
yeezy boost 350
ecco shoes
michael kors outlet
nike air max zero
michael kors
ugg boots on sale
canada goose outlet
polo ralph lauren outlet online
philipp plein shirt
puma shoes
louis vuitton outlet store
nike store
salvatore ferragamo
pandora charms
coach outlet
coach outlet
kate spade
pandora jewelry
adidas yeezy
kate spade
air max 2019
nike air foamposite
lacoste polo shirts
micha el kors outlet
longchamp handbags
fitflops sale
red bottoms
michael kors outlet clearance
valentino shoes
canada goose jackets
ysl outlet
louis vuitton
louboutin shoes
nike cortez
nike outlet online
pandora charms
ralph lauren outlet
adidas outlet
nike outlet online
mulberry uk
ecco shoes for men
jordan shoes
yeezy boost
ugg boots
coach factory outlet
kate spade handbag
polo ralph lauren
coach outlet store
ralph lauren uk
nike air max axis
pandora jewelry
nike huarache
canada goose sale
supreme clothing
ralph lauren outlet
ralph lauren uk
hermens bags
pandora jewelry
kyrie 4 shoes
pandora outlet
adidas shoes
cheap ray bans
uggs
fred perry
ugg outlet
cheap jordans
timberland outlet
mulberry outlet
michael kors outlet
nike shoes
pandora jewelry
ultra boost
coach factory outlet
asics outlet
polo outlet
salomon shoes
swarovski crystal
birkenstock sandals
mulberry bags
timberland boots
michael kors handbags
christian louboutin
coach factory outlet
air jordans
michael kors outlet
coach factory outlet
air jordan shoes
cheap oakley sunglasses
kate spade outlet
coach factory outlet
adidas shoes
kate spade handbag
canada goose
coach outlet
louis vuitton handbags
ralph lauren
oakley sunglasses
coach outlet
adidas superstar
canada goose jackets
coach outlet
adidas shoes
adidas
michael kors outlet
pandora jewelry outlet
kate spade bags
cheap jordan shoes
ray ban sunglasses discount
nike tessen
gucci outlet
coach factorty outlet
louis vuitton outlet
mulberry handbags
cheap mlb jerseys
adidas originals
coach canada
hermes birkin
coach outlet
nike air max outlet
coach factorty outlet
pandora store
ecco shoes
adidas stan smith
ray ban sunglasses
supreme clothing
ralph lauren outlet
coach factory outlet
birkenstock outlet
michael kors outlet clearance
michael kors outlet online
hermes handbags
ray ban sunglasses
kate spade bags
air max 2018
cheap nba jerseys
fitflops
dr martens outlet
kate spade outlet
ecco shoes
canadian goose
hermes handbags
converse shoes
ecco outlet
moncler jackets
ralph lauren sale clearance
fitflops
longchamp handbags
ray ban sunglasses
canada goose outlet
co ach factory outlet
oakley sunglasses outlet
replica watches
coach outlet store
jordans
moncler jackets
louis vuitton outlet online
cheap nike air max
coach outlet
pandora jewelry
coach factory outlet
coach outlet store
salvatore ferragamo shoes
polo ralph lauren outlet online
tory burch outlet
coach outlet
ralph lauren outlet
jordan shoes
coach outlet
nike air max
birkenstock shoes
nmd adidas
coach factory outlet
columbia shoes
dansko shoes
mont blanc
cheap nfl jerseys
birkenstocks
coach outlet store
pandora charms
pandora charms
salvatore ferragamo
toms shoes
adidas superstar
birkenstock
pandora outlet
pandora charms sale clearance
prada handbags
cheap oakley sunglasses
jordan shoes
air max 2018
supreme clothing
moncler outlet
kate spade handbags
longchamp outlet
moncler coats
birkenstock outlet
jordans
nike zoom
oakley sunglasses
nike dunks
coach factory outlet online
fitflops sale
ralph lauren outlet
christian louboutin outlet
michael kors outlet
coach outlet store
kevin durant shoes
vans shoes
michael kors outlet online
coach outlet online
louis vuitton outlet
kate spade handbags
nike outlet
michael kors outlet canada
jimmy choo
oakley sunglasses
adidas yeezy
adidas yeezy boost
ralph lauren sale clearance
kate spade outlet
birkenstock shoes
louboutin shoes
ugg outlet
asics shoes
harden vol 1
louis vuitton
adidas outlet
pandora jewelry official site
pandora outlet
air max 97
jordan shoes
jordan shoes
kate spade outlet store
nike react shoes
pandora jewelry
canada goose outlet
ray ban sunglasses discount
coach outlet
ugg boots
ugg outlet
tory burch outlet
timberland boots
canada goose outlet
uggs outlet
nike outlet
canada goose outlet
adidas nmd
coach outlet online
fendi handbags
ralph lauren
jordan retro 11
kate spade outlet
nike zoom
cheap jordans
coach outlet
adidas shoes
yeezy boost
mbt shoes
ralph lauren sale clearance
adidas nmd
coach factorty outlet
nike shoes
jordan shoes
nike air max
ysl handbags
oakley sunglasses
nike basketball shoes
converse all star
ugg boots
longchamp outlet
uggs
pandora jewelry
tiffany and co
supra shoes
cheap jordans free shipping
canada goose sale
tory burch outlet online
tory burch outlet
fitflops
air max 97
cheap jordans
coach factory outlet
michael kors outlet clearance
michael kors outlet
co ach outlet
nfl jerseys wholesale
polo ralph lauren outlet
nike shoes for men
burberry outlet
moncler jackets
timberland outlet
tiffany and co
nike cortez
oakley sunglasses
pandora charms
christian louboutin
fitflops sale clearance
vans store
fred perry polo
coach outlet
new balance shoes
red bottoms shoes
hermes outlet
christian louboutin outlet
kobe shoes
ralph lauren sale
cheap mlb jerseys china
lebron james shoes
adidas shoes
michael kors handbags
cristiano ronaldo jerseys
coach factory outlet
cc20180720
 — unknown

0.346s