poetry critical

online poetry workshop



before class
aeturnus

crazy.
 1
she called me crazy.
 2
two looks and a lick
 3
from dimple to dimple, grinning-
 4
what was her name?
 5
plotting and moving towards me.
 6
mathematics.  it's all a game
 7
of poker, chance.
 8
more statistics and luck than skill.
 9
"I'm so glad you
 10
remembered my name"
 11
and something about
 12
how other jerks
 13
dont care to recall
 14
anything but her bra size:
 15
and i cant stop focusing
 16
on those lips, or
 17
that skin tight
 18
tank top, yellow, and chest
 19
designed to make me
 20
remember that name.
 21
Oh God, what was it?
 22

2 Sep 05

Rated 9 (8.7) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (7): 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

Italicize Line 11. Do you need caps or not in 22, that is a a question. Good poem.
 — unknown

thanks.  the italics was supposed to go on to line 11.  silly HTML :)
 — aeturnus

haha. wonderfully built up to the last line.
 — SteelAngel

very nice
 — tragicbubble

:)  thanks :)
 — aeturnus

Oh this is so great.
 — yrrockstar

fabulous last line <3 adiscodancer
 — unknown

thanks guys :)  i'm glad you guys liked it :)
 — aeturnus

rily gud. i lik it. 9
 — noodleman

existentalism at its most intense
 — unknown

existentialism at it's most intense. lol. hmm.

ok poem.
but why did she thank you for remembering her name when you couldn't remember it? see line 5.10-11&22
 — kaleidazcope

sorry its :]
 — unknown

i think it's pretty apparent what aet was intending.  thus the whole part about "poker, chance."  he guesses the right name, but gets caught up in her breasts again and forgets it.  it's the point of the poem.
 — unknown

the point is clear. if i add one and one half. but  the way it was handled, could add up to three.  i read the situation as live. "before class".

intention versus achievement. yup.
 — kaleidazcope

kaleidazcope,  thank you for comments.  i'll look into your criticisms.
 — aeturnus

Swore I commented on this.  I love the feel of lines three and four.  I feel like "mathematics" should be its own line?  "It's all a game of...." --expand on this?  You missed an apostrophe in line 14 (don't)...not that that's a large issue, and yet, others would disagree.  Expand a little more between lines twelve and twenty one.  Then the ending will have more power.  Hah.
 — mouse

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