poetry critical

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the difference between today and yesterday.
midare

two skirts walk in,
 1
falling out of clothes
 2
and hope.
 3
they've been singing
 4
about sin since their
 5
inception in a time of
 6
fabric and button fashion
 7
where metal rings and
 8
bare legs and things
 9
were considered to be
 10
a no-no, a don't see.
 11
 
 
breathe, stay with me
 12
underneath this pine tree
 13
for just a little longer,
 14
languishing in boxes and
 15
hangers and with feet
 16
and always taken
 17
with a smile and
 18
a glimmering strand
 19
of moon, shimmering--
 20
 
 
because gold is just a hue;
 21
a colour, a fragment of
 22
scarcity, a last melody
 23
between the spaces
 24
in the stars and the places
 25
where two skirts can
 26
vanish into nothingness
 27
without waning metallic
 28
and combusting.
 29

2 Sep 05

Rated 9.7 (7.9) by 3 users.
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Comments:

wow, I really liked this poem.  It flowed really well, and the rhyming--it was so cool.  no, rather, it was AWESOME.  I liked your natural-like placing of words.  Great jorb, and as always, KEEP ON WRITING!  (:  (;  (9)
 — ducktape

The first line almost made me click away because it sounded like the start of a bad joke, but then lines 2 and 3 hooked me in and forced me to read the rest. Very good!
 — leukothea

yeah, i know whatcha mean!  it starts off just like those classic jokes:  "Two guys walk into a bar" etc.  But it is a good poem nonetheless.  Again, midare, good jorb.  (;
 — ducktape

I think I'm your newest fan.

I love the shift in the second strophe--I usually indent or italicise for such a thing, but it's really not necessary here--and the return to the skirts in the third.

"breathe, stay with me" stands poignantly well all by itself like that--haunting.

I wouldn't have though of using the "and" the way you do in 16 and 17, but I'll do it now.  It really lends an air of sincerity to the piece, imo.

I also really like "fragment of scarcity" and "waning metallic".
 — housepoppy

vivid imagery. not quite sure i followed the extended metaphor, but perhaps it's better vague. lovely.
 — SteelAngel

thanks, everyone.  i'm glad you enjoyed this.
i wasn't too sure how this was going to be recieved.
i was concerned that it was a little too far off
on the 'weird-end-of-things'.

smile.
midare
 — midare

anyone else? :0
 — midare

The only thing I don't like about this is the word "melody". It just doesn't quite seem to fit into this somehow. All the other images are so abstractly well strung together, "melody" seems a little bit off. It might just be me though, don't change it unless you get what I mean. ^_^

Lines twelve to sixteen are quite lovely. I like how the whole piece tells a little story, but there are so many interjections and random images that it seems as if it's all disconnected and discontinuous, until the images of the skirts pulls it all back into focus. Nicely done.
-wendz
 — unknown

I absoultely love everything about this
--madderhatter
 — unknown

"they've been singing about sin since their inception"

"breathe, stay with me underneath this pine tree for just a little longer"

"because gold is just a hue, a fragment of scarcity"

I really enjoyed this. Those were the highlights for me. The flow of a poem is important to me, and I think you nailed it with this one. Eye candy.

"Melody" in line 23 could be "anthem". Author's choice though, nothing big. :) Good work.

-Rhein
 — Rhein

aw, thanks guys.
and gals.

and you don't have to hide anymore, incognito.

grin.
midare
 — midare

I agree with leukothea. The first line did sound like the starting of a corny joke, and i'm hoping that I will never have to see 2 skirts walking into a bar! :P Nice poem though, after I got through the first line.
 — mistyseas

do you really need 'the' in 20?

should you use a semi-colon at the end of 21 rather than a comma,
a hue after all is just a colour I believe?

excellent finish.

if i were to suggest an alternative to line 1 it would be cut "to a bar" to be left with "two skirts walk in" it's always redundant to specify location if it isn't key to the rest of the poem and it isn't here.

and it does sound less like a corny joke opener then. winks.

very good poem. otherwise.
 — kaleidazcope

thanks kal. i made all of the suggestions that you.. suggested.

grin.
midare
 — midare

the voice is awesome for this
 — listen

i love "a don't see"
 — tragicbubble

Has a good feeling to it, easy to read and it flowed really well. Great Job!
 — smiddy

well done
 — bloodytearsx

I always want to comment on your poetry but I never know what to say. It's hard to seem intelligent when praising other people's work.  I really like line twenty one, and the general flow and mood of the poem as well.
I think that you'd be better off with one statement in line 11 instead of two ( i would choose "a don't see") . Although, if youre following a syllable pattern, then my suggestion is useless.
 — misswyoming

It's so intuitive it's hard to know if I'm still with you by the end but moments of bright lucidity  Oh and nice fireworks at the end .
            ;          &nbs p;          &nb sp;          &n bsp;          & nbsp;                     Thanks for this one
 — sexfear

this is nice.
 — listen

the title is my favourite part.
 — shakeit

this was lovely. i have a hard time finishing a lot of pieces, they just don't hold my attention but this was very nice i love the tone and the pace. nice work, especially the last stanza and lines 12-14
 — januarygirl

wow.
 — unknown

brilliant - fair enough you didnt get to my heart but you got to my eyes - this poem reminds me of the first time i saw glitter.
 — philoanon

thank you, everyone.
i'm surprised this got brought back. :0

midare
 — midare

i dont like it.
 — crazykiller

well what don't you like about it?
 — midare

Man, This should have been a fantastic poem. Your first stanza promised so much, so much
 — SolCarloman

thanks, everyone.  i'm glad you enjoyed this.
i wasn't too sure how this was going to be recieved.
i was concerned that it was a little too far off
on the 'weird-end-of-things'.
dj tiesto
 — dj-tiesto

strange person posting on my poems. :0
 — midare

let me guess, today you woke up, without your glasses, in a strange city and only a small suitcase of women's clothes for company.
 — Kauf

yesterday, you didn't.
 — Kauf

with
 — Meep

I like this a lot. I like the journey.
 — joyjam

if ducktape likes it, it probably sucks.
 — OKcomputer

okay! That was not okay. That was very very wude!
 — unknown

Ducktape tured down Okay's advances and Okay was not Okay about it. Okay!!!
 — unknown

Actually, it was pretty good. good job. i read it out of guilt. maybe that tainted my reading voice.
 — OKcomputer

Interesting.

I'd say- "Out of clothes and hope" (killing the 2nd of)

and nix "Nothingness" why not just 'nothing' it also seems to flow better with combusting.

Otherwise, good job.

-ramher
 — ramenherpes

thank you, everyone.
i like the first change, ramher, but i left nothingness because i meant it to go with 'spaces' and 'places' rather than with 'combusting'.  thank you for your suggestion, though.

smile.
midare
 — midare

i lost two sphincters reading this
 — unknown

please don't post inane things.
 — midare

inspirational
 — b00

Excellent, you remind me of a poet I know, your style and flow are great,
 — marieF

thank you very much boo and marie.
 — midare

what is this about? it's written beautifully but i have no idea what is going on.
 — luvscost

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