|Alive and Dying for the politics of poverty
This man hangs from one arm-
Clings to the ledge with desperate fingers
‘till they bleed, paint hands in red
and dry purple, turn to leaves
Clings with fingers-
to the edge of his survival,
Like little weeds fighting
through the sidewalk cracks
this man holds on to life
Each nail slowly turning blue steel
Each bony digit freezing there
to the stone wall.
No one lets him in.
But light shines on this man
too stubborn to scream-
bites his tongue, and tastes the bitterness
to transmute agony
Too human to die-
Lets the flies land on his eyes
And sees such gentle pretty life forms
Delicate legs and wings on lashes
He will not hurt them.
His mind focused, burrows through the wall
To see who leaves him there, to hang
He will not forget
This man grips-
determined not to fall
Sees himself rising
into open skies, of clear pale light
This man touches every grain
Within the stone
Every shape and color
has a name that is known to him
he learns and loves them all
until his identity becomes
perfect multiplicity, perfect transcendence.
This man hangs from his heart
And feels everything
Alive and dying
This poem I had previously posted under a diffferent user name which I was unable to access due to password problems. I hope to get more comments than the oe I received with the other username.
8 Sep 05
Rated 9 (9) by 1 users.
Inactive (0): 9
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I hope you have just one username now,
multiplicity, in that regard, is a set-back. :-)
This is some heavy hitting imagery.
I like the thickness of your description.
Thank you Kritika. I appreciate your comments.
Riverwriter, I like your user name, that is to begin with. I am surprised your poem does not have more comments, so I now plan to post mine to rectify this.
On first glance, would you mind if you have some line breaks, just visually it facilitates the reader in following the poem. Of course, if the format of the poem is in some way related to the content, then you keep it as it is.
I like the third person choice of voice and even the "this" in the first line. I would usually argue against it, but it points my gaze in a specific direction that serves the rest of the poem as well. A point about punctuation - you have very few periods of other punctuation signs and a lot of capital letters, though not all your lines are capitalized. Is that done for emphasis purpose or ... why? At times I find it distracting.
- Line 2- maybe no comma at the end
- line 3 - did you mean to write "paints"
- lines 5 and 6 - I have a couple of suggestions. "this man Clings to the endge of his survival" or "this man's fingers Cling to the edge of his survival" or better still "fingers Cling to the edge of his survival" - I just think it would read better that way
- I would do away with the hyphens in lines 10 and 11
- What if you had line 13 by itself or at least a stanza break somewhere in there?
- there is some awkwardness in lines 14 through 16, maybe I would just take the hyphen out from line 14 and add one at the end of line 15. Why "and" in line 16, makes it too clumsy.
- line 18 - very important I suppose to the meaning of the whole poem but somehow stand weaker on its own. Could you connect it somehow to what follows or what has just come so I do not have the impression it is aimlessly occupying this place in your poem? IF you have that line begin a new stanza and do away with the hyphen at the end of it, then this might take care of things.
- line 21 - well said, "wings on lashes" - good job, poet.
- line 27 - what do you mean to suggest with this line, is he going to fall or is he not? I understand you mean that he is too determined to allow himself to fall, but the way the grammar reads right now, determined almost can be substituted with eager.
- line 29 - no need for comma in there
- line 30 - what would happen if you take the "this man" out, we already know you are talking about him and while I realize you might want to emphasize, too much emphasis can border on uselessness and aimless repetition. Do you see what I mean. Make it tigher wherever you may, the poem is long as it is.
- otherwise, lines 30-32 - wonderful imagery
- who is them "all" in l.34? Oh, I see, the colors and the shapes. OK.
Can I suggest you take line 35 out altogether, line 36 (multiplicity) implies what you are trying to say in line 35 and you want to have a tighter ending.
Riverwater, while this comment might have seemed like a long critique, I would not have taken the time to write it if I did not like the poem and if I did not think you could make it much better with minor tweeks. Wonderful imagery, well done!
Thank you very, very much Maria/slanch. Alot of good advise here. As you can see I have applied most of it to editing my poem. I appreciate all of your well though out feed back. Great to here constructive tips! I'll be sure to read some of your stuff!
Good job, poet! The edits work but really, in the end they are your edits.
Thank you for taking them into consideration and keep on writing.