poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Atmosphere:Beautiful
Me_eM

Just like the reflection of a weary sun in a cold creek, broken and frayed; we breathe frozen. "Sometimes," she said "I hold my breath long enough to pass out, just so I can feel what it's like to die."
 1
 
 
That night the stars made love with the skyline, and the city went silent. Gravity became myth and beauty was all we knew.
 2
 
 
"It only hurts for a second," and together we inhaled.
 3

12 Sep 05

Rated 8.7 (8) by 5 users.
Active (5):
Inactive (28): 1, 3, 3, 3, 4, 4, 5, 5, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(18 more poems by this author)

(42 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

This is just beautiful!
 — unknown

line one, "breathe" not "breath".  Comma instead of semi-colon in line 2.  and maybe some more line breaks perhaps:

Just like the reflection of a weary sun in a cold creek stream, broken and frayed; we breathe frozen.  
"Sometimes," she said "I hold my breath long enough to pass out; just so I can feel what it's like to die."
That night, the stars made love with the skyline, and the city went silent.
Gravity became myth and beauty was all we knew.  
    
"It only hurts for a second..."  
together we inhaled.

This is really beautiful though. (fav)
 — kitkat

fucking unbelievable! i'm in love with it...
thank you for this
 — dedication

i am addicted to playing dead. i like the way it frightens my fellow commuters.
 — bettalpha

Hehe, thank for the wonderful comments! I fixed the few gramatical errors and broke it up at one part.
 — unknown

oh, awesome
 — tragicbubble

  i love the format as well as the content,
the last line ends this so well./
 — xblacktearsx

that is almost the most beautiful thing ive heard.... omg...
 — unknown

Instant favorite.
This is wonderful. The format is great the content is great and its almost a innocent view on death, which is oddly refreshing. It reminds me of the ear piering thing, the "only will hurt for a minute". This is used for prety much anything that ever hurts in life, I like how you've incorperated it in death.

-Madderhatter
 — unknown

speechless.

.
 — gears

one word.....................awesome!!!!!
 — bloodstained

A.Mazing.

10 and favorite. I'm...astounded by how much this affected me.

[Teo]
 — teo_omega11

Hehe, thank you all. This turned out better than I thought it would!
 — unknown

Awwww, beautiful!
 — unknown

Just like...a weary sun...we breathe"??? a breathing sun is too far for me to go. and what only hurts a second? breathing? pretending you're dead? being dead?
 — Locanther

Epic

simply epic
 — unknown

This is a lovely poem.  Really wonderful.  A favourite..
 — CervusWright

Did you miss the 'borken and frayed' part??? Maybe it's me but it makes perfect sense! And if you actually read this poem, you would notice when the girl says "It only..." just reference the last quote in line 1.
 — unknown

Wow, this was just amazing.
 — the_recluse

simply beautiful
 — sodapop

i like your poem.
 — bettalpha

good job, baby!
 — endlessdream

"Sometimes," she said "I hold my breath long enough to pass out, just so I can feel what it's like to die."



"It only hurts for a second," and together we inhaled.


those two lines are incredible. The rest of the poem is well-done as wel..but these two lines...they can't help but stand out.beautifully.
 — notetoself

Sounds like the choking game to me so I can't say it's beautiful.  Well written, certainly, but with a cold chill hiding under the beauty.  Vampire beauty.  
 — Isabelle5

I think you have to take much used images a lot further and make them into something that sounds original rather than a cliche
 — larrylark

definitely beautiful.
 — yrrockstar

wowsa. this is brilliant. clear and concise in your presentation and wonderfully written. flows quite well. there is a feeling of irreverance in this poem which is quite nice. i can not say enough good things about it. brilliant.
 — SweetPain

Okay. Atmosphere:Cliche'.
 — unknown

^^^^^
someones got green eye syndrome
 — unknown

It's not geen-eye syndrome.

I believe it's the dreaded jackass disease.
 — unknown

I dont mind if someone dosen't like my work, that's all fine and dandy. They can leave comments as well. But if it's nothing but just smart ass remarks, well they just suck :)! And sooner or later they will realize "Hey! I am an asshole. No wonder I have no friends."

-Me_eM
 — unknown

very powerful. and disturbing.
 — iheartpink18

This is an amazing piece, the only thing i would change is "cold creek stream" to "cold creek" because having a creek and a stream are the same thing, so you've simply repeated yourself. Otherwise amazing piece.
 — dmartin

Can't say there is anything interesting about this particular piece.

The title is really bad.

-ramher
 — unknown

^

Actually, it wouldn't be so bad without the 'and together we inhaled.' It just seems so predictable.
 — unknown

This is amazing. Just what I needed. (10)
 — iamswanson

A favorite!
 — unknown

i always admired poems that quote movies
 — unknown

Lovely.
 — unknown

This is amazing (10). Possibly consider a space between the two parts in the last line:

"It only hurts for a second."


And together we inhaled.

possibly.
 — iamswanson

weighed down by gravity imo, tutherwise i love it
 — wantsaname

this is so spectacular! get it published!
 — OwlGirl

i love it!
 — unknown

Just amazing! I love it!
 — unknown

Wonderful
 — dia

so simple and beautiful and sick. like it.

va run, as in centreville?
 — leandrajacob

favourite, i feel this, it's beautiful :)
 — femme_arabe

Beginning a poem with a simile seems to me like such a newbie thing to do.  You might want to consider putting it at the end of v.1.   V.2 is bordering on cliché imho.  I loved the dialogue!  Fantastic!
 — unknown

I really enjoyed this poem. The second verse is beautiful.
 — unknown

Atmosphere:Beautiful >>  Beautiful!
 — bellavida

yes. beautiful.
 — unknown

0.359s