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Neverland
Peter

You broke through—
 1
The incredible efforts
 2
Of my mind
 3
To paint the images
 4
Of a comfortable reality.
 5
 
 
Just a moment sooner
 6
It was fluid with
 7
Depth and meaning.
 8
 
 
Now, as I gaze through
 9
The hole exposed by
 10
A more solid truth;
 11
 
 
That reality hangs
 12
Like curtains around a window
 13
Revealing a world of
 14
Wonder,
 15
Imagination,
 16
True life.
 17
 
 
Its fragile nature now
 18
Naked & exposed
 19
With curled edges
 20
Like an old worn out photograph
 21
Yields to the truth below.
 22
 
 
Unfathomable.
 23
Untamable.
 24
A raging sea.
 25
 
 
This is where you are;
 26
In the depths of a reality
 27
Too wonderful and
 28
too terrible
 29
For my waking mind.
 30
 
 
Few have dreamed of this place
 31
Choosing the safety of
 32
Routine and normality.
 33
 
 
Fewer have seen it with
 34
Waking eyes
 35
(Though only briefly).
 36
 
 
Fewer still live there.
 37
They are the insane, I think,
 38
Trapped in a place beyond
 39
The capacity of mortal
 40
Mind and soul.
 41
 
 
Already, I see the threads
 42
Spreading across the breach.
 43
The arachnid efforts of my mind
 44
Frantically scamper
 45
To cover that which
 46
It can not hold.
 47
 
 
Yet, I sense that
 48
This is what I’ve known to be,
 49
What I’ve looked for all along.
 50
Hidden by the artful veil of my mind—
 51
Decorated and perfumed.
 52

27 Sep 05

Rated 10 (9.3) by 1 users.
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Comments:

I like the format very much, your grammar choices as well.  I thought your poem wordy at first but then I re-read it and found it OK. L37 - either do away with it or blend it with the rest.  L22 - maybe yileds instead of yileding.  The line breaks in the first four stanzas read somewhat strange to me but maybe this is just me. 7th stanza is great ... it got me to keep on reading the poem.  YOu remain attractivley enigmatic till the end, though sometimes too enigmatic.  Goog job and wonderfully painted pictures ...
Maria
 — slancho

Thanks, Maria!  Good suggestions.  I'll look at these areas.  I wonder where I get too enigmatic?  

Anyone else have thoughts or suggestions?
 — Peter

i can really relate to the Spider reference in the second to last stanza.  we all fall prey to our routines and cultural norms/standards.  thank you for this beautiful expression of a deeper truth to an otherwise mundane life.
 — unknown

Any more thoughts?
 — Peter

L37-41 - wonderful, very well done.   The poem reads much more unified though I am not sure unified poetry is always the way to go.  Don't critics tend to focus way too much on stupid formalities rather than on the content ... I wish not be partake in that.  YOur poems creates its own flow and there is little in terms of stanza lenght I would do differently, in fact, I like the way you skirt around placing borders around your own writing.  What I mean to say is that the line and the stanza breaks interest me in the way in which they relate back and forth to the poem as a whole.  I like the middle part of the poem the best.  Really, do not bother too much about changes, just go with your heart.  Well done!  And thanks for your comments in turn
Maria
 — slancho

I do not know why, but I liked Torn better as a title.  
Hmmm ... did I really?
maria
 — slancho

anyone else?
 — Peter

Very cool.
 — unknown

"the artful veil of my mind"... true.
 — unknown

hmm...
: )
 — fractalcore

wonderful poem
 — nisetru

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